I can’t

Moms.  We are a powerful bunch.  Blood, vomit, skinned knees and elbows, broken bones, broken hearts, lost lovies, middle of the night hugs and holding.  Can’t find your favorite blanket?  No problem.  Want to play basketball this winter?  We’ll get you there.  Gotta do a fundraiser?  Let’s do it.  We make it happen.  We handle it.

But in a world of perfect pinterest pictures and crafts and recipes; in a world where ultimately the buck stops with us; in a world where many of us don’t have the luxury of generations of women with us throughout the day…

…we can feel responsible…for EVERYthing.  How our children act and feel, how the house looks, the finances, menus for meals, making sure our kiddos get enough rest and love and warm clothes and friends and piano practice and exposure to the arts, birthday parties, homemade cupcakes, the right presents…etc etc.

We are the family’s pediatrician, chef, party planner, CPA, soccer coach, chauffeur, social planner, interior designer, hair dresser, breadwinner, school board rep, historian and picture taker…

We get up. We make it happen.  Kiddos are bathed and dressed and sometimes we are, too.

But over the years, though I have felt this ever increasing surge of “at the end of the day, I’m responsible for it all,” I have also found myself saying, “I can’t do it.”

And more and more on a regular basis.

This morning was one of those “I can’t” days.

I can’t stay up till midnight editing family pictures in time for today’s party and get up early and not be exhausted.  I can’t be present to my kiddos when they seem to really just need ME this morning and do the final touches on my presents for family.  I can’t make homemade butternut squash soup, vacuum (at least the main floor!), straighten up, clean the main bathroom, get dressed, get the kiddos fed and happy and off each other, get Christmas cards in the mail, get to mass, get ready for the party at our house WHILE BRIAN IS AT WORK.

I can’t do it alone.

“I can’t do it,” I found myself silently saying to myself as I threw the unbaked butternut squash back into the frig and responded harshly to the kiddos asking for a snack and looked at the disaster of a kitchen.  I called Brian, “I can’t do it.”

A tightness gripped my stomach and spread up to my throat.  I had to admit I couldn’t do it today.

I am not super mom. And though I don’t try to be, I admit, there are times I feel “responsible” as though I were super mom.

Today, this morning, I am tired and cranky and alone mom.  I am  frazzled mom.  I am in-need-of-a-nap-and-some-help mom.  I am in-need-of-breakfast mom.

I couldn’t and I didn’t.

Unknowingly, my dear friend and neighbor happened to call in the middle of it all.  “I’m going to the Common Market, do you need anything?”

God bless you!  “Yes, I need twine!”

“Twine?”

“Yes, twine.  To wrap the cards I made for the girls in my family.”

“I’ve got some.  It’s in tangled in a ball — the kiddos got to it and….”

She didn’t even have to explain.  I got it.  And she got me!

My five year old, who is always spot on and honest and an extrovert who shares, “Mom, you’re kind of like Aunt Petunia this morning (the awful aunt in Harry Potter).  What gives?” And he gave me a hug.

So Brian came.  I slept.  He made the soup, put Clara down for a nap, and straightened up enough.  And from upstairs, I heard…nothing.  And it was beautiful.

I received their kindness today.

We’ve all heard, “Tis better to give than to receive.”

Nope.  It’s harder to receive.  When you give, you are in control.  You are “on top.”  Often someone feels indebted to you.  You get a warm, fuzzy feeling and often a warm and verbose “THANK YOU!”

When you receive…you are brought to the vulnerable raw, helpless, needy parts of yourself.  You are humbled by your own weakness and often times…brokenness.

It’s hard to be in that place.  God forbid we admit being needy and vulnerable and unable to “make it happen.”

Over the years of having kiddos I have been brought to my knees many times — in prayer, sleep deprived and exhausted rocking and nursing, to the toilet vomiting (mine or my kiddos), the floor wiping up god knows what spilled, and into the arms of my Brian saying, “I can’t do it.”

It’s hard to admit that.  But I can’t.  I can’t be present to my kiddos and get a million things done.  I can’t be on the PTA, our CPA, FB, or…some other acronym…and cook homemade meals, blog every day, work, write, do yoga, meditate…..blah blah blah.

So I don’t.

But I can do a few things. And do them with love and attention and kindness.  And that’s what my life is about — being mindful of slowing down, of noticing what really matters, of being ok with not having it all together.  That’s what parenting is teaching me.

I…we all..can do one thing in a moment instead of mulit-tasking and busying our lives and doing a crappy job at it.

We can sllllllllow down.

Leave the dishes.  Forget nicely wrapped presents.  Slow down and receive the moment.

Receive…

This breath.

This hug from your little one,

this Grace,

this help,

this kindness from others.

And so, this morning, my “act of kindness” was to myself (and ultimately, my family!).  I took a nap so I’d wake up as Lisa. Not Aunt Petunia.  Lisa whose eyes smile tenderly at my little ones. Lisa whose can greet family and make folks feel welcomed and loved.  Lisa who can handle a new marble game all over the floor.  Lisa who can hold Little C all afternoon.   Lisa who can read another chapter and another and another of “The MAgic Tree House” to my son.  Lisa who can say, “Thank you” to Brian at the end of a beautiful, humbling day.

There’s enough light for all of us to shine

My kiddos are at such a great age: two and five.  They believe whole-heartedly in themselves.  They believe they ARE superheroes.  They can leap any couch or fence or building in New York City.  They believe they are stronger than a tiger or bear or villain.  They can wrestle grandpa to the ground in two super moves.  They believe they can be anything they want to be, including Batman, Wonder Woman, “Super Hurricane”, doctor, police officer, princess, knight, paleontologist, or guitarist.  They believe in themselves — their powers, brawn, and smarts — and the superhero powers of the people who love them.

We all were once like this.

Then “(&*^*$&^#&^$)” happens.

Joey runs a whole heck of a lot faster than we do.  Sally gets every word right on her spelling test – every time.  Zach’s science experiment wins first place – again.  And we start comparing ourselves to others, which is usually accompanied with saying some crappy things to ourselves and internalizing what others say about us.  And slowly over time, we stop believing in ourselves.

So maybe you are a slow runner.  Maybe you still don’t spell well (spell check rocks!).  Maybe you just don’t get physics or biology or even simple science.

So what?!

So what if there is a “better” or “more talented” artist, singer, song-writer, author, athlete, mom, dad, runner,….blah blah blah…you name it?!  Who defines “better” or “more talented?”

I remember being at a writing workshop with a well-known author.  Someone asked, “But there are a bagillion books out there on (whatever the subject was)!”  And she responded, “But not in your voice.  There is no book about …… with YOUR voice, from YOUR point of view.”

She’s right.

Somewhere along the line we stop believing we are gorgeous, talented, loveable, and strong.  Well enough.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile now, you’ll know that I’m all about saying “enough!” to anything that holds us back from believing in our goodness, from aligning ourselves with each other, from doing what delights our hearts.

I’m not living in some fairytale.  I’m in the thick of “reality”…right here with two little ones, a mortgage, a job, struggles and challenges, joys and periods/moments of calm.

And I BELIEVE that we create our realities.

We CAN live a life filled mostly of delight.

I BELIEVE we all our gorgeous and good and beautiful.

And I believe that it is our birthright to own our gorgeous, good, and beautiful selves.

So my forties are going to be about reclaiming the rockstar queen in me.  How that rockstar queen looks may be QUITE different than YOUR rockstar queen.  And that rocks!  There’s enough light for us all to shine – however bright we want to shine!

Mom to mom: 10 ways to empower a fellow mama

you are beautiful, girlfriend!

There are a lot of forces in our world that seek to divide women, to pin mom against mom.  As women, as moms, let’s seek to align ourselves.  Here are 10 ways to empower a fellow mama:

1.  Build her up instead of tearing her down — even when she’s not around.  Any woman, every woman.  Seek to say nothing negative about any other woman.  If it’s not kind, don’t say it.

2.  Build up her kiddos.  Same as above.

3.  Ask her about her passions.  Is it going back to school? Running a small business?  Running a marathon?  Tell her you believe in her.  Ask her often about what gives her life and energizes her.

4.  Give her space to talk — and just listen.  Tell her she doesn’t have to hurry or apologize for “taking up your time.”

5.  Tell her you get anxious too. Tell her you get lonely too.

6. What do you think is fabulous about her? Is it the way she talks kindly to her children? Is it how her hair curls so cutely around her face? Tell her! Tell her she is beautiful – inside and out.

7. Hug her. Look her in the eyes and say, “I’m so glad I know you!”

8. Tell her kind things about her kiddos.

9. Believe in abundance rather than scarcity. Just because she has a gorgeous life…(body, partner, garden, ETTTTCCCC!) doesn’t mean you can’t or aren’t already gorgeous. There’s enough gorgeousness to go around.

10. Give her space to shine – like in a conversation with others, let her story be central and the only focus once in awhile.

Empower her. Let her shine. Be kind to her. Remind her of her beauty. Every woman. Any woman.

Repost: Mindful Moment: My mom’s every day love…in a grapefruit

{I wrote this a year ago.  I was reminded of it because, lately, I find that I am being called to a deeper sense of “selflessness.”  I see and notice and am grateful for how my mom and my husband both live lives of “serving the other.”  I am being called to be “less about me” – in every thing. More on this as the adventure unfolds}.

Grapefruit.  I could’ve sobbed over my grapefruit the other morning.  Carefully cutting the outside circle of my grapefruit, I stopped.  The memory of my mother so lovingly and thoroughly cutting my grapefruit for me as a girl flooded my mind and heart.  Back then, I probably didn’t say, “thank you.”  Back then, I took it for granted that she put such extraordinary care into something so ordinary.  Back then, I’m embarrassed to admit, I never thought that it was any “big deal.”

Now, as a mom to two little ones, I get it.  The time, attention, care, focus, energy, and “groundedness in what is important” it took for my mom to cut my grapefruit and never even say anything about it – I know all too well now what a big deal that is!  To take the time, to put off showering or brushing teeth or fixing her own breakfast, to put attention into one thing instead of being a multi-tasking queen, to muster up the energy from a night of little sleep from a tending to a sick little one, to find balance in divvying up time with more than one child, to recognize in the moment “THIS. This is what matters” — THAT is extraordinary.

mom and me

And I am humbled.  Grateful.  I want to go back in time and savor every little cut out triangle of grapefruit and hug my mom and kiss her and tell her she rocks and thank her for all the little every day ways she showed me extraordinary love.  Cutting my grapefruit.  Making my lunch (yes, even through high school).  Telling me to “take a mental health day.”  Braiding my hair.  Driving me (and team mates!) to and from soccer practice.  The list goes on.   Flashes of these memories flood my heart.  And I pick up my phone to call her.  She’s asleep.  My heart can’t wait to tell her “thank you.”

Ordinary things done with extraordinary love.

Before having my two little ones, I wanted to do extraordinary things in this world.  I had specific ideas about what that meant.  None of them involved cutting grapefruit.  But the other morning, I thought about how now it’s my turn to embody this legacy of loving with great tenderness and attention in the ordinary.  And I am quietly grateful as I go about my afternoon.  I cut an apple for my two little ones, peeling the skin carefully so my little C. can easily chomp away.

beholding my little one

grandma…still lovingly regarding her honeys

B-bye Guilt, Hello Goddess

Reblogged from Gems of Delight:

Guilt.  Mama guilt.  Wife guilt.  Whatever kind of guilt you got -- let's let it go!  Let's encourage each other to drop the guilt.  We can be awfully, awfully hard on ourselves.  Our "Oh I did a bad thing" or "I should be doing such and such" or "A good...... (mom, friend, wife) does such and such" can quiiiiickly turn in to "I'm bad."  Then we've got shame. 

Read more… 256 more words

Reposting for all you goddesses out there!

Three ways to mother ourselves

hold a dear one

We all have them. Parts of ourselves that we try to avoid looking at. Parts we deny are there. Parts we get furious with for being “weak” and “wanting attention.”

The angry, guilty, ashamed, resentful, judgmental, rage-full, needy parts.  How about the “no way in the world will I tell anyone about this” part?

We tend to try and push these parts to the side or get ride of them.  Other times, we get consumed by them.  Most often, we judge them – and ourselves.

We could all use a dose of gentleness and kindness.  The energy of trying to keep at bay those parts of ourselves is like trying to hold down a beach ball under water.

It’s exhausting and takes a lot of focus and energy. What inevitably happens? Yep – we lose touch on the ball and it shoots right up.

There’s another way.

Three Tips to Mother Yourself

1. Allow those painful parts to be seen. Without reacting to them, pushing them away, getting lost in their “story.” Just let them be.  Say to them, “I see you,” with kindness and regard.

2. Breathe. Take a sacred time-out, and just feel yourself being breathed.  For just a moment or two.  This creates a sense of spaciousness as you continue to say “I see you” to that part and give it kindness.

3. As our beloved Thich Nhat Hanh says, treat them as a ‘dear one,’ as a mother holding and tending to and embracing her little one.   Yes, that’s right.  The parts you have been trying to push down for years, maybe decades, you embrace them and hold them like a mother holding her child.  And notice how you soften. Notice how these “dreaded” and feared parts of yourself lose some of their power as you hold them with kindness and in spaciousness.

And you don’t have to DO anything, mama!, to make those ashamed or painful parts go away or stop. You just hold them as if you were holding a little one in those beautiful arms of yours. This is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. And a sense of lightness arises.

“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance…When we practice Radical Acceptance, we begin with the fears and wounds of our own life and discover that our heart of compassion widens endlessly. In holding ourselves with compassion we become free to love this living world. This is the blessing of Radical Acceptance; As we free ourselves from the suffering of ‘something is wrong with me,’ we trust and express the fullness of who we are.” – Tara Brach

Blessings of Delight,
Lisa

** If this post resonated with you, check out the Barefoot Barn’s website. Join the growing Barefoot Barn community of soulful folks on Facebook.

Time Magazine Divides Moms – why do that?!

I’m not writing here to debate (or encourage the debate and sharing opinions) about attachment parenting or breastfeeding (infants and beyond). I am here to talk about the devisive way Time Magazine presented attachment parenting and breastfeeding.

Right before Mother’s Day, Time Magazine comes up with a way to divide mothers.

Just the title alone creates division:” are you mom enough?” It stirs up feelings of inadequacy. As if moms and women need another reason to question themselves.

And then the picture on the front cover. Whether you agree with breastfeeding beyond infancy and the toddler years or not, this particular image is meant to sensationalize and shock — rather than foster understanding.

These are the exact things that diminish our ability to delight in “the other” – even if what they are about may be different than us. These are the exact things that create “mommy wars” rather than fostering compassion and community. These are the exact things that create a sense of separateness between moms rather than bringing moms together.

What does foster delight, compassion, and connection between moms?

Listening to another mom before judging her. Really listening.

Recognizing our common bond as mothers. We all want our children to be happy, healthy, and kind.

Recognizing that there is no ONE way of parenting.

Recognizing that you might have something to learn from another mom’s way of parenting. This is where listening comes in instead of judging. This is where openness comes in instead of quickly closing ourselves off.

Encouraging a mom to explore, discern, and discover her own truths and instincts within her.

Finding points of connection rather than points of contention.

And, instead of judgment and harshness, treating other women — in person or virtually on all the “mommy blogs” — with warmth, compassion, and gentleness.

Believing in our beauty

spontaneous snapshots from Brian

The other evening, I was walking out of a lovely meditation in the softness of candlelight, when I noticed a woman’s reflection in the mirror. In an instant I was moved by her and I said to myself, “Oh my goodness. That woman is beautiful!”

I looked again.

That woman was me.

In those millaseconds, before my ego and all my stories and conditioning came into play, I was moved by who I saw in the mirror. And when all the veils of illusion were lifted for a brief moment, I thought she was beautiful. So beautiful that I thought she was striking and filled with light, softness, and feminine loveliness.

When I realized the woman was me, I teared up for a moment. My oh my, how we have learned to not SEE ourselves for who we really are. Shining, glowing, lovely, and beautiful.

I’d like to spend the next forty years believing in my beauty.

You, too, are beautiful. A soul shining. A lovely woman. To be regarded, adored, and honored.

Anything else is a lie we have been believing for too long. Enough.

It’s time now that we believe in our innate beauty. And shine.

No Theological Explanation for Women Not Being Ordained into Catholic Priesthood

This is a letter to Catholic Archbishop O’Brien from Fr. John Shea, O.S.A., Ph.D., M.S.W. calling for the Archbishop to show us any theological explanation for why women are not being ordained into the priesthood in the Catholic Church. He is a former Professor of the Practice of Pastoral Care and Counseling; Dual Degree Director (MA/MA and MA/MSW), School of Theology and Ministry, Boston College.

I just received this letter today and completely agree with him. This needs to be shared.

The Beginning of Lent, 2012

Dear Archbishop O’Brien,
I am writing to you and to all the ordinaries of the dioceses in the United States to ask you and your fellow bishops in your role as teachers to provide a clear and credible theological explanation of why women are not being ordained to the priesthood in the Catholic Church. I write not to challenge the teaching of the church as set forth in the
1994 Apostolic Letter of Pope John Paul II, Ordinatio Sacerdotalis, concerning priestly ordination. My concern is the theological explanation of this teaching. Theology I take to be essentially what Anselm said it is, “faith seeking understanding.”

I teach in the School of Theology and Ministry at Boston College. As you might expect, in the school we have a number of students—women and men—who are preparing for ministry of one kind or another. As serious students of theology and ministry, the issue of women’s ordination is extremely important for many of them—how this issue is now understood and has been in the past, what the requirements for ordination are, and especially what a clear and adequate theological explanation of this teaching might be. For some of our students, this issue is the most important one they wrestle with. For
some of them, what resolution they come to determines whether or not they stay in the Catholic Church.

Yet, in the Catholic Church there is a rule of silence. We are told that women’s ordination cannot be discussed. The issue that cries for theological explanation is not to be discussed in schools that have theological explanation as one of their prime reasons for being. In other settings, however, rather abstruse arguments are put forward, usually around “bride of Christ” symbolism or with a suggestion such as ordination is “God’s gift to men.” Several years ago, as you know, Pope Benedict XVI declared that the ordination of women was a “grave crime” akin to pedophilia. My sense is that these comments are found to be more puzzling, or bizarre, or embarrassing than seriously theological. They beg the issue, raising more questions than they answer.

In case you are wondering who this person is who is writing to you, I am an Augustinian priest, solemnly professed for 50 years, teaching at the School of Theology and Ministry of Boston College. Before coming to Boston College in 2003, I taught for many years in the Graduate School of Religion and Religious Education at Fordham University. My areas of expertise are in pastoral care and counseling (Fellow, American Association of Pastoral Counselors) and the psychology of religious development (Ph.D., Psychology of
Religion, University of Ottawa), areas that today would be considered practical theology. I also have graduate degrees in theology, philosophy, pastoral counseling, and social work.

I mention this background because in all of my study, in all of my training, in all of my counseling experience, and in all of my thirty years of teaching I have not come across a single credible thinker who holds that women are not fully able to provide pastoral care. Likewise, I have not come across a single credible thinker who holds that women are deficient in religious development or maturity. From the perspective of practical theology—a theology of the living church—I find there is absolutely nothing that does
not support the ordination of women to the priesthood.

Therefore, I too am looking to you and your fellow bishops for a serious theological
explanation of the church’s teaching on women’s ordination. Not being an historical or a sacramental theologian, I have attempted to keep abreast of some of the contemporary research. Perhaps in the mainstream of that research is Gary Macy’s The Hidden History of Women’s Ordination: Female Clergy in the Medieval West. Macy, a serious scholar by any account, begins the Preface of the book by saying: “The fact that women were ordained for the first twelve hundred years of Christianity will surprise many people. It surprised me when I first discovered it.” Chapter 4, “Defining Women Out of Ordination,” is as disturbing ecclesially as it is fascinating historically. Without doubt, patriarchy was alive and well in the medieval church.

All the historical reasons offered against the ordination of women ultimately boil down to the one theological explanation the Vatican actually did offer a number of years ago: women cannot be ordained because they are “not fully in the likeness of Jesus.” It seems to me, however, that to hold that women are not fully in the likeness of Jesus is to engage in heresy. It is to say that women are not fully redeemed by Jesus. It is to say that women
are not made whole by the saving favor of our God. The statement of the Vatican on the ordination of women substitutes gender biology for Christian theology, privileging Jesus’ maleness instead of his full humanness.

Archbishop O’Brien, can you actually support this theological explanation offered by the Vatican? Is the theological reason why women cannot be ordained because they are “not fully in the likeness of Jesus”? As you know, for centuries the question in the church was whether or not women had souls, and if they did, were they equal to those of men. Now, with an understanding of the person more as body than soul, the question is whether or not women have bodies equal to those of men. Is not Cardinal José da Cruz Policarpo, the Patriarch of Lisbon, right when speaking on this issue he clearly affirms the “fundamental equality of all members of the Church”?

Since 1986, I have been calling every four years for open discussion of women’s ordination at the chapters of my province, the Province of St. Thomas of Villanova. In September of 2010, I wrote to Father Robert Prevost, O.S.A. in Rome, the Prior General of the Augustinian Order, asking “that I be officially recognized as stepping aside from the public exercise of priesthood until women are ordained as priests in our church.” Eventually, I heard back from the Vicar General saying there was “no category” for what I am asking. In February of 2011, I wrote to you, the Cardinal Archbishop of Boston; to my Provincial, Reverend Anthony Genovese, O.S.A.; to Reverend Mark Massa, S.J., Dean of the School of Theology and Ministry at Boston College; and to Dr. Thomas Groome, my chair at the school, informing them that I was stepping aside from active ministry as a priest until women are ordained.

As a way of giving some context in my letter to Father Prevost, I told the following story. In 1991, I was invited to India to give a paper at a conference in Madras (now Chennai) honoring the life and work of Father D. S. Amalorpavadass. After the conference, I offered a workshop on “Listening Skills in Pastoral Counselling.” As I was describing these skills, a priest from a neighboring country said: “Can I ask you a practical question?” I said: “Of course.” And then he proceed to tell me that the most pressing pastoral problem he was facing was that mothers were killing their own baby girls. The families were too poor to provide a dowry for them and it would be too difficult to keep them. Later, as I was reflecting on the horror of mothers being made to kill their own daughters, I asked myself: “How can the church respond to this?” And then it came to
me: “How can the church talk about the dignity of women when it also sees women as inferior to men, as in a ‘state of subjection,’ as not fully in the likeness of Jesus?” I write to you to ask you in your role as a bishop in the church to craft a serious theological explanation of why women are not able to be ordained.

I also ask that you speak with your fellow bishops so that you can lift the rule of silence on this issue. If you agree with the church’s statements on women’s ordination, please have the courage to teach about this issue in a way that mature, intelligent adults can appreciate, taking into account Jesus’ relating to women and the actual history of
ordination. If you have serious theological problems with the church’s statements on women’s ordination, please have the courage to teach about this issue with pastoral care so that the hemorrhaging in our church can begin to stop. Whatever your position ultimately may be, our church—including the students of theology and ministry at Boston College and elsewhere across the country—is in desperate need of your honesty, openness, informed clarity, and leadership.

A friend of mine is fond of saying that in the church today authority trumps theology every time. If this is true, it is clearly not a strategy for the long term. Is there a better way? Can authority and theology actually strengthen each other for the good of all the people of God?

It is the beginning of Lent, a time of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving, a time of for all of us in the church to be mindful of how we are in our caring and in our justice. Archbishop O’Brien, is providing a serious theological explanation of why women are not being ordained in the church something you can do as part of your teaching responsibility as a bishop, as part of your caring and your justice?

Sincerely,
John J. Shea, O.S.A., Ph.D., M.S.W.
Professor of the Practice of Pastoral Care and
Counseling; Dual Degree Director (MA/MA
and MA/MSW)
School of Theology and Ministry
Boston College

Don’t fake the joy.

I read something the other day that made my stomach turn.  A blog chastising moms to “love it all” and “enjoy every minute of it.”

There are plenty of moments in parenting that just plain bite.

There are plenty of moments when I am not joy-filled as I clean up squashed and crunchy food on the floor, separate my two kiddos as they bug each other…for the upteenth time…that hour, look down and realize that I have strawberry stains from little hands on my ONE (ONE!) NEW cute, stain-free t-shirt, and think about how in the world am I going to get to the Y today?!

It’s in those moments when jumping in to being “joyful” would be to deny what is present right here, right now.

Yes, I get the whole “self-talk” thing and “positive thinking” thing and the “you have a choice in every moment” thing.  While there is a place for “embracing the positive” and “choosing joy”….

…there is also a crucial first step that we CAN NOT skip.  Whenever we deny what is present — anger, rage, sadness, loneliness (you name it) — we cannot embrace true joy.  I’m not talking about getting all mired in the emotion (that doesn’t help either!  Then we are hijacked).  I’m talking about not chasing after joy, clinging to it, and believing that it’s a permanent feeling.  We set ourselves up to feel awfully guilty if we believe we should be joyful every moment and we deny what is currently present within us.

So what do we do?

Before running after joy, “shoulding” ourselves in to it; before getting mired in our emotions…… we pause.

We notice whatever is present. 

We say “Ahhh, I see you, dear one” with tenderness.

We put our hand on our heart.

We allow whatever arises space to be.

We accept.

We allow.

We breathe.

Without clinging or pushing away — anything.

And what happens?  We soften!  We relax.  We create spaciousness.  Insight arises.  We embrace the next right thing to do…which may be mom taking a “mama time-out” or hugging and saying sorry…and going outside to play and buy something from the ice cream truck that comes down our street riiiiight around dinner time.

Ironically, as we accept WHAT IS — without denying anything or forcing ourselves to ‘be joyful’ – joy naturally arises.  A deeper joy that sustains us.

So don’t fake the joy.  Create the space for it to rise on its own.