A love poem about the everyday kind of love…and saying yes

{I am finding it very healing as I recover from this traumatic brain injury to actually read my old poetry…and to paint. Just a little. Here is a poem that Brian is posting for me today that I wrote several years ago for a friend who was getting married.}

Saying Yes.
Again and Again.

I loved you
long before I ever met you.

Long before I ever knew
the contours
of your face,

before I ever wrapped my arms
around your waist;

before I ever knew
what made you
laugh or cry,
scared or feel alone.

I loved you long before I said

YES.

Yes
to your kisses
and comforting embrace

Yes
to snuggling with you
and making love with you

Yes
to spending the rest of my life
with you.

But what I am discovering lately
is this:

The funny thing about love
is that you have to
keep saying

YES.

Yes
to trash night and
cleaning the bathroom

Yes
to sharing a bank account
and a mortgage

Yes
to long labors
and sleepless nights

Yes
to unexpected losses
and missed opportunities

Yes
to being vulnerable
and choosing to join each other
when we’d rather jump ship.

We have to say yes –
to all of it –
the happy and ecstatic moments
as well as the sad and mournful moments.

We have to keep saying yes
year after year –
and sometimes
minute
by
minute!

We have to choose to say yes,
this moment,
this breath.

So on the day I stand
in front of our family and friends,
I’ll say yes to you –
in that moment,
with that breath,

and all the breaths
I am to have.

Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2010

This is what love feels like

This is What Love Feels Like

Laying down
for a nap
with my daughter

curled up with
my belly
to her back
my arms
around her
little almost
three year old
body

little feet
resting on
my thighs

rhythmic
breathing
deeply
together

we sleep

sacred
holy
complete

this
is
what
love
feels
like.

Lisa A. McCrohan, 2013

The Divine’s desire for us

We are THAT desired.  We are that beautiful.  We are that loved.  We are that cherished.

Whatever your creed, however you image the Divine — as Creator, man or woman, The Great Mother, the Beloved, Consciousness…this benevolent presence calls to us!  Calls us back home…to BE nourished, to laugh, to quell all our anxieties.  The Divine is EAGER for each and every one of us!  See your beauty, the way only YOUR eyes speak your soul, the sweet sounds you make when you are happy, the way your body rests when you fold into the embrace of the Divine.  You are a gift, a blessing.  With a purpose that no one else can fill.  With a way of being that brings LIGHT to this world.  Be nourished, dear one.  Be nourished.  And then let your soul shine.

Deep blessings to each of you for a delightful 2013.

Love,

Lisa

a repost: Mindful Moment: My Skin Remembers

{Last night, as I was laying with our little two year old, Little C, in her “big girl bed” (oh yes, she wanted a twin bed like her big brother so we finally made the switch), as Little C nuzzled up next to me and asked me to stay, and I thought, “Ohhhhh the work I have to do,” I was reminded of this post.  I was reminded that I have a choice — to soak up this moment with my daughter or go and do work.  I was reminded of what is most important in that moment — breathing in the sweet smell of my daughter, feeling the warmth of her breath against my cheek, delighting as her little hands explored the contours of my face.  I breathed this poem/post again and was grateful I made a good choice.}

These moments last for such a short while

In the dark stillness of the early morning, before the first glimmers of dawn appear through our bedroom window, Brian brings C. to me for an early morning feeding.

She is half awake half asleep now nuzzled next to me. Her little feet rest on the space between my bare belly and hip as she wraps one arm over my chest and tucks the other under my breast to nurse. I am laying on my side, my left arm stretched out on the bed and the heat from the top of her head warms the inside of my elbow. My right arm wraps around her tiny, plump, six month old body. Our bellies touching rise and fall together in a soft rhythm.

Though my body begs for more sleep, I don’t mind being up so early before the sunlight slowly dances its way into our room. I know now with my second child that this will not last forever. There will come a day when I will long to hold my babies again just like this and my skin will ache with nostalgia.

But this morning, I also know that when that day comes, a smile will rise up from within me as my skin remembers breathing in this very moment.

(see original post from 2010 here.)

 

100th Post: Love Heals

This is my 100th post. Some may reach that marker in a month. It took me over two years. And that’s just perfect.

I’ve been writing since I was in third grade. Books of tall tales, mysteriously missing christmas presents, flying love bugs from outerspace, and friends who make you smile. I started a “blog” on my old website long before I knew what a blog was. My soul softly smiles when I write a poem for a dear one. It’s in my bones that I’ll write a book someday. And if I don’t, my kiddos might (with all the journals I’ve left them!).

Here’s the thing: I used to put undue stress on myself with “shoulds” and deadlines about my life’s work. There was this urgency in me. The kind that originates from fear. Fears that hide themselves quite well within you and disguise themselves as allies of your “becoming.” I wanted to write books and books and books. I felt CALLED to, divinely inspired to.

But fear ALWAYS comes from ego. Not from the soul.

I am still called to write. I am still inspired to share the truths that rise up from within me, breathed by the Divine-in-residence of my soul. I am still called to lead – movements and meditations that connect us to our Selves, each other and the Divine. Every time I turn around, it’s as though God breathes this knowing in me.

BUT. HOW I go about what I do has shifted. The urgency – well, I sat with it. Loved it. Gave it room to be held. Craddled it.

And underneath that laid my fears. Fear of (and I’m being quite honest here) not “being” anyone. Of not “doing anything special” before I died. Fear of “not being remembered” long after I was in the grave. So I held those, too. Loved them. Craddled them.

I didn’t do this alone. My “tribe” of dear ones, my beloved Brian, my children — my greatest teachers — their love for me has wrapped itself around every raw bone in my body until my bones remembered the Truth we all know long before we are born: we are beautiful, safe, protected, adored, and so so loved.

And over time, not in one fell swoop, not in a magical wave of the wand, I sensed a peace taking up residence within me. Where there used to be fields of anxiety, now seeds of contentment blossomed. No rush. It’s all perfect. Just. As. It. Is.

And that seems to be the voice I hear now when the old storyline of fear creeps up. I am exactly where I am to be in this moment. Holding my little ones, being with Brian, leading a meditation at work, or writing a poem. I am reminded of Hafiz’s words,

“The place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.”

Now when I sense an urgency in me, it’s the fire of LOVE rather than the chains of fear. And my exhale reminds me:

“in the end, what matters most is:

how well did you love,

how fully did you live,

how deeply did you learn to let go?”

- Buddha

Let go. Of all plans. Ego. And, yes, even dreams.

Because, really, what any blog post, article or book I’ve ever written or will write comes down to is this:

Love heals.

And if I can breathe that Truth into the moments I am with my children, my husband, my dear ones, my colleagues, I have done enough…whether I never write a book or I write a hundred.

And I hope my final words with my last breath are: “thank you.” Because love has truly transformed me and healed me. I am forever grateful. And I am grateful for the movement within me to offer that love as the poetry of my heart to the world.

fully present and delighting

Mindful Moment: a thousand hearts in my heart

After I picked up A. from preschool this afternoon, my little honey says, “Mom, ya know what?”

Me: “What love?”

A.: “I’ve got a thousand hearts in my heart.”

Me: “That’s lovely, A.”

A.:  “Yeah.  That means I love everyone.  Do you know that? {Pause.} Do you have a ‘thousand hundred’ hearts in yours?”

Me: “Oh my love, some days, some moments, yes, I do. ” {wishing there were more times when I’d get out of my own way, get out of my prideful way, and open my heart – wide open.}

A.: “That’s a nice way to feel, isn’t it, mom?”

Me: {with my heart bursting} “Yes, it is.  When we have those feelings of loving everyone and everyone is in our heart.  It is a lovely feeling.”

It was one of those moments that we all have when kiddos speak such wisdom that it “rights” our hearts, shifts the ground we walk on, and roots us again in what is important, true, and holy. I drove home with a lighter heart.

He reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago.  It’s about what can happen when I/we just breathe and allow and open and soften.  (Thanks, Hafiz and Thich Nhat Hanh for inspiring me):

Little Did I Know

Little did I know
when I was breathing in and said,
“I am breathing in”
and when I was breathing out
I said, “I am breathing out”
that
my
heart
would
s
o
f
t
e
n

so much so that
each person
became

my beloved.

Lisa A. McCrohan, ©2009

Sacred Softening

Sacred Softening

My body knows
has always known
my way back to God.

I dance
moving in slow sensual swirls
under the vastness of a moon-lit night

swaying until stillness fills every cell
and there are no hard edges
striving, panting, thinking

only breath
and heart.

Empty now,
I open into spaciousness

becoming the brilliant Night Jewel
boldly, gently shimmering her soft light.

And I discover that
I have always been
resting

shining

in God’s lap.

© 2011 Lisa A. McCrohan

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness # 6: The Way

dawn emerging. on retreat.

The Way

It is in spaciousness

that we breathe

find stillness to rest in

allowing what is

to be

letting go of expectations

and embracing gentleness

as the way to truly heal.

Opening and softening,

we become.

This
is how
we unlearn
our way
back to
God.

© 2011 Lisa A. McCrohan

God seems to be reminding me again and again to “go back to the basics.” To breathe in a sense of spaciousness whenever I am experiencing an intense emotion. To create a bit of space between me and whatever feeling has a grip on me in the moment. To let compassionate spaciousness hold it. Much like pouring a spoonful of water into the ocean. Seeing it dissolve. Becoming part of something bigger than itself.

When this happens, I can breathe better. Think clearer. My heart opens. I connect – to my heart, my beloveds, my “enemy.”

What just had a tight grip on me five breaths ago now feels like No. Big. Deal.

Gentleness. Softening. I am tired of tightening up, hardening my heart, trying harder. It just doesn’t work. Doesn’t bring healing. Or rest. Or stillness. Or closeness – with myself, my God, or anyone.

Countless strategies and programs. Unlearn it all – all that our culture says is true strength, beauty, power, and the way to feel better.

Open instead of close off. Include instead of shut out. Soften instead of harden. Let it be instead of trying.

Ahhh yet how quickly we can forget in the moment and let our world become so myopic.

Just go back to the basics. There is no other way.

Everyday Resurrection

Everyday Resurrection

There comes a moment
when you know

that you can no longer keep digging in the past
searching for the magical golden “why”
that you think will finally heal
that one
tender
wound.

There comes a defining moment
when you are standing in the rain
outside your front door
with grocery bags in your hands
hungry, tired, soaking wet

and you see how all these years
you’ve just been running
even if it’s to therapy
you have been running

and you know
that no amount of analyzing it
is going to get you any closer

to being happy

and folding into the arms
that want to hold you
when you open that door.

The small, still voice
within you
just knows
has known
has been whispering to you
late at night for so long:

“There is another way, Love.”

But it is finally today
that you hear her
clear and certain
as the voice
of your true God.

And you know now
there is no going back.
No talking, judging,
trying to fix it, wishing it away.

You are done
wrapping your whole self-concept
around that wound

done believing that
there even is a wound to heal.

You stand there
soaking wet

softening
breathing

softening
breathing

opening up to
the spacious grace of emptiness
now swimming in your chest
with no desire to run and quickly fill it.

You know now what you have to do
when you open that door.

And you softly smile.
Lisa A. McCrohan, copyright. 2011

“…done believing there even is a wound to heal.” Maybe we really are dreaming, like Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book, “The Four Agreements.”  Maybe we really are just asleep like Buddha said.  Maybe we are all imprisoned by these carefully constructed beliefs learned over time that we cling to as truth.  Maybe our way of seeing things, judging things, putting things into boxes are all just illusions.  Maybe there really aren’t any wounds to heal.  And maybe it’s all just a story we keep telling ourselves.

Maybe resurrection isn’t about some big moment that happens after we die in this lifetime.  Maybe it’s an everyday thing.  Yes, everyday resurrection.  Everyday waking up.  Everyday enlightenment.  Maybe it’s about dropping the story we’ve been telling ourselves for years, maybe even decades.  Maybe it’s about allowing those tightly held beliefs, perceptions, emotions to die.  Giving them no more attention or energy and just watching them “poof!” – disintegrate.  And maybe it’s about being in that “spacious grace of emptiness” – the space between something dying and something new emerging.  And just being in that quiet, empty, holy space, paradoxically, filled with, well, Sacred Nothingness.  Not looking back with sorrow-filled eyes at what has died and not eagerly reaching for what may be birthed.  Just being.

How about you? What was your last moment of resurrection, enlightenment, “waking up” in your everyday life?

Soulful Quotes for Inspiration #4

Here are two beautiful quotes that I hope resonate within your own hearts. At the beginning of this new year, I find myself moving more and more into the gentleness and passion and vulnerability and luminous wisdom of the heart. I hope you join in!

How can you ever hope to know the Beloved without becoming in every cell the Lover?
- Rumi

***************************

Awake awhile.
It does not have to be forever.
Right now. One step upon the Sky’s soft skirt would be enough.
Awake awhile.
Just one True moment of Love will last for days.
Rest all your elaborate plans and tactics for knowing Him,
For they are all just frozen spring buds
Far, so far from Summer’s Divine Gold.
Awake, my dear.
Be kind to your sleeping heart.
Take it out into the vast fields of Light
And let it breathe.
Say, “Love, give me back my wings.
Lift me, lift me nearer.”
Say to the sun and moon, say to our dear Friend,
I will take you up now, Beloved,
On that wonderful Dance You promised!”

- Hafiz