My word for 2013

For the past three years, I’ve chosen a word, or a few words, for the year.  Each year, these words have taken up residence in my heart, words, interactions, and daily living.  They have stretched me and shifted things within me and my life.  They are still with me — present some times as whispered prayers, other times as humbling reminders.  I still carry each word with me today.

For 2011, my three words were: soften, strengthen, and forgive.

For 2012, my three words were: silly, sensual, and connections.

For 2013, I’ve chosen one word: light.

I want to look up at the sky and notice the light – at dawn, midday, on rainy and snowy days, at dusk.  Candlelight.  Moonlight.  Sunny day light.

I want to look for and notice the light within my own self and others — to practice “noticing the good” rather than defaulting to noticing what isn’t, or what’s missing and wrong.

I want to lighten up — to be silly, to soften, to physically lighten up and lose a few lbs, to go with the flow, to remember what is most important.

Light.  In all its forms and shadows.  Noticing even when the light seems dim — in my heart, in the early  mornings when I commute to work, in the eyes of others….and to stay.  To stay there and be with that dimness, to light a candle – actually and metaphorically – and create a sacred, safe place for those shadows to appear.  Noticing even when the light is too bright — when I can no longer ignore the truth rising up within me to take action.  Noticing when I am full of light and how that feels, how that changes the tenor of our home, how that relaxes my muscles, how that changes my interactions with others.

Light.  We’ll see how the light takes up residence in me this year!

What’s your word for the year????

my three words for 2012

I loved having a “word” for the year. For 2011, I had three! Soften, strengthen, and forgive changed me. They took up residence in me, stretched me, and shifted things within me and in my life.  Here’s what happened:

Soften.   I softened my judgment, my inner critic, my talk, my eyes, my way of being, and my “pushing the boulder up the hill” mentality.  I softened my expectations of others (ok, sort of, still in progress!).  I noticed how, in the moment of stress, instead of becoming rigid and harsh, I could more quickly soften.

strength and softness

Strengthen.  I strengthened my body, how I carry myself, and my inner glow.  Pregnancy and c-sections take their toll on me, leaving me feeling quite weak.  This year I got my strength back.  I feel it in every muscle – still workin’ on those abs!  I walked with more confidence – as a parent and a professional.  And my inner glow – well, by softening I feel like I’m strengthening my soul’s light to shine through more.

me and brian after finishing the warrior dash

Forgive.  I found myself needing to let go of old stuff I’ve carried too long and also needing to let go of “everyday stuff” that could ruin a day  – just letting it go, asking for forgiveness, and moving on.   In softening my judgment, I found that forgiving would spontaneously happen.  I exhale and then breathe in the opportunity of softening and connecting in the next moment.  It works.

It’s amazing to carry a few words within you for a year and to see how they change your heart, how they come out in your smile and hands, and how they shift your everyday life, perceptions and relationships.

In thinking about my word for 2012, I said to myself, “This year I’ll have just ONE word.” And well, nope, that’s not how it’ll go down yet another year. Again, I have three:

1. silly
2. sensual
3. connections

Silly. My son is hilarious. A jokester. His presence reminds me that a good laugh goes a long way in connecting with others. I need to laugh more. All four of us do. This puts me out of my comfort zone.  I’m not silly.  Fun, yes, but silly?  Not so much.  So here’s to lightening up and being silly.

being silly

Sensually feminine.I am being drawn into all that “flows,” and is feminine, water-like, and powerfully “woman.”  From what I wear to keeping my hair long.  From communicating with a feminine strength, compassion, and fierce regard for life to embracing “non-linear healing” and ways of being in this world.  Not being about conquering, analyzing, dissecting, or thinking my way into the next phase of my soul’s journey.  I’m ready for some deep listening to my soul’s song (or poetry, in my case!), energizing movement, honoring the unknown, and living with a fierce but gentle strength.

the ocean

Connections.  I’m pretty good about staying in touch with friends from the different places I’ve been.  But I’d like to just put more attention into nurturing and tending to the lovely connections I/we have with amazingly wise, hilarious, genuinely kind friends and family, near and far.  “Connections” also continues to mean “being in cahoots” with Brian and with my kiddos — lightening up, deeply listening to what I “intuit” about my kiddos and nurturing their connection to their soul’s path.

sweet friends

my two little superheroes

So those are my words for 2012!  We’ll see how it all unfolds.

What are your word or words for 2012?

Blessings to each of you in this new year.

Broken Warrior Strength

The Warrior Dash

Many of you know that Brian and I did the Warrior Dash a few weeks ago – a 5k schlepping through mud, climbing up a 20 foot cargo net, crawling under barbed wire, running through creeks, and jumping over fire (oh yes). I texted friends and family. I emailed out the one picture that a stranger so graciously said she’d take and send to us. I posted about our success on facebook. On Monday morning, I beamed with pride as I shared with our secretary at work. I blurted out “My husband and I did the Warrior Dash!” to a random person in line at the grocery store.

“Shhhh!” Part of me says. “what’s the big deal? Six years ago you could’ve done this in your sleep!” Play it small, says that voice.

But the reality is that this “baby-of-a-warrior-dash-no-big-deal-5k” was a huge deal. And well, as many of us women are learning in our late thirties and forties, playing small just keeps the rage festering and does nothin’ for nobody.

Five years ago on Mother’s Day we found out we were pregnant. We were overjoyed. Then throw-up happened (again and again) along with a whole host of other aches, pains, scares, a 32 hour labor, a failed epidural, and a surprise c-section. Then the shock came of recouping and being a new parent in this isolating culture. I never thought that this soccer-playin’, yoga teachin’, extrovert-able-to-instantly-form-community woman would ever feel so…broken. Alone, ill-equipped, and fragile.

After spending so much energy on trying to “correct” A.’s birth experience and grieve over what “should have” happened (I had a midwife, dammit. I meditate. I teach yoga!) one day a friend said, “Actually Lisa, this is a success story. You both are here and healthy.” The thought came to me: “Ya know, Lis, a long time ago, one or both of us might’ve died. Who knows – maybe in past lifetimes this happened. And if it did, you two would’ve called this a total and complete success.” And from that moment on, whether I believed in past lives or not, I realized that it was only my limited paradigm that kept me believing there was something wrong, something to correct, that we failed.

So I dropped the story of “how a child is supposed to come into this world.” I realized I didn’t have to correct anything. It all was perfect. A success story. That took years.

But though my thinking was healed, my body still needed a long time to mend from tough pregnancies, long labors, long recoveries, and, like many of us new mothers in this culture, being so sleep deprived and mostly alone during the day.  My body felt broken.

Thank God for visits from grandparents, nourishing food (meals from friends and the Whole Foods hotbar), Boston friends who came to clean bathrooms and cook meals, my beloved husband always offering kindness and opportunities to take it easy, new playdates, the YMCA, a great job, and…rest. Rest, rest, rest. In these past five years, I have learned how to rest – even when there are dishes in the sink, laundry to be washed, paperwork to do, and dinner to be made. One day when A. was about 18 months old I said to Brian, “Ya know, I am better rested now than I have ever been in my whole life.” I was so well-rested that we decided to have another babe!

Now well rested and after carrying, birthing, and nursing two babes; I needed to reclaim my strength. I wanted to do something vigorous – not strenuous and arduous – but invigorating. I needed to do something to claim the next phase of our life after birthin’ babes.

One morning right before work, Brian asked me about doing the Warrior Dash. “What is it?” I asked.

“It’s a 5k. You run through different obstacles, trudge through mud, and jump over barbed wire. That kind of stuff.” Brian said.

“Sign me up!” In an instant I felt my whole body jump forward with desire to do it.

Brian, “Um, ok. Let’s do it together!”

And so we did. We stayed right by each other’s side, even though Brian could’ve run circles around me. There was something to being able to see and physically move through obstacles together – to watch out for each other, hold hands, encourage each other, to get into a rhythm, and just be beside each other.

Even in the struggle of some of the obstacles, I was enjoying myself. Brian and I enjoyed each other’s company. I was glad to be there. There were moments when I said, “Brian, I’ve got to stop.” And we’d just walk – even when the temptation was there to keep going as people passed us. There were moments of “ok, put your left foot here…” reminding me of being in labor – “Ok, Lis, here’s the next contraction; just breathe.” There were moments of looking around for each other, finding each other, and regrouping. And throughout it all, I never second guessed our decision to do this mud run. I was grateful to be doing it with Brian. My heart was smiling and my body was sweaty, muddy, and…strong.

That’s my life – our life. Times of getting through obstacles, times of elation, times of connecting, times of losing each other, times of finding each other and reconnecting. Looking back, it is precisely because of some of the difficulties over the last five years that Brian and I are growing stronger as a couple. A strength has emerged out of vulnerability, fragility, and brokenness. And we – together and as individuals – are reclaiming and embodying that strength.

And so, this Warrior Dash was more than just a mud run. It was us reclaiming our life – with all its brokenness, obstacles, and imperfections –and the strength that has emerged out of being in it together. That’s a big deal.

Having a “metta moment”

 

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately.

 

By the end of today, you probably have hugged someone you love, looked lovingly at your kiddo, supported a friend who was on the verge of losing it, smiled at a neighbor, and maybe even lent a hand to a complete stranger. But have you looked kindly at yourself, said something uplifting and supportive to yourself, or given yourself a break?

There was a moment last week when I was about to lose it. Just the normal stuff staying home with two little ones. But I was done. Have you been there?!

I called my friend Rachel to tell her that I seriously doubted we’d be over for our playdate. Rachel had this gentle, understanding way of taking in what I said. She herself had just been there this morning. She didn’t try to fix what I was saying or top it with her story, and she didn’t get all caught up in my emotions. She “woke me up” (a mini enlightenment!) and in that moment I realized that I had gone down that path we go down when we are tired, hurt, or frustrated – we feel as though we are the only ones feeling what we are feeling. We harden – our bodies, points of view, and our hearts.

I paused. I paused and took a “metta moment.” Metta means kindness. I softened into my breath and into my heart. And that was enough. It was enough to create some spaciousness, to lighten up, to go easy on myself, and to begin again. I didn’t attack my day with more vigor and determination. I softened.

A classic version of the Buddhist Metta Meditation goes like this:
“May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.”

Sometimes, that comes later – after a simple moment of taking a few breaths and softening. And as we send ourselves such kindness, we can send those well-wishes to others.

But how about you? Do you easily soften, give yourself a break, and lighten up? Don’t give yourself a hard time if you haven’t!!! Just realize this…and soften.

More and more these days I’m seeing that the answers to being happy aren’t complicated. Soften our harsh judgments, high standards, impossible expectations, and cruel self-talk. Soften our furrowed brows, tight jaws, and clenched fists. Soften, soften, soften.

Much of my work as a body-centered and mindfulness psychotherapist involves showing clients how to bring in a little dose of self-compassion to their everyday lives – this moment, this breath, this thought, this feeling. Much of my daily “work” as a mom to two little ones involves getting some breathing space and offering myself that dose of self-compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin and one of the country’s leading researchers on self-compassion, defines self-compassion as “bearing witness to one’s own pain and responding with kindness and understanding.” Instead of going down “that path” of beating ourselves up and getting lost in our emotions, we just pause, lighten up, honor our humanness, and bring in a bit of gentleness. And we soften.

You all know that “softening” is one of my words for this year. In our culture, being soft is seen as a negative thing. Gentleness is often viewed as wimpy. But I am coming to understand that there is great power and strength in gentleness and softness. I am coming to understand the truth of Lao-tsu’s words:

“Softness triumphs over hardness…what is more malleable is always superior over that which is immovable.”

I recently wrote a post about how my husband’s gentle nature has impacted me – my heart, nerves, and spirit. Gentleness creates a sense of expansiveness. It lets in light. It softens taunt nerves and quells anxiety.

Recall the last time someone treated you with gentleness – it probably felt like sweet water for a parched soul. Recall the last time someone responded to you with soft and kind words – it probably felt refreshing and warm.

Gentleness generates warmth – within you and between you and another person. Gentleness and softness infuse any moment with lightness and ground us. They renew a sense of “I am ok, this is ok, all is ok.” Strength, hope, and possibility grow out of that. Now that is power!

I am beginning to see the wisdom of the Dalai Lama’s words: “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” Every day Brian and I make sure we have good food for ourselves and our kiddos, we take baths, drink plenty of water, and brush our teeth. Every day we do these “basic necessities.” But every day we all need doses of love and compassion – for ourselves and our dear ones. Not as some luxuries or indulgences but as necessities to survive and thrive.

As we give ourselves a break and treat ourselves with kindness, that flows into all we do and all those we encounter. I do believe that whatever we want for this world, we first have to cultivate it within ourselves. I dream of a compassionate world for my children…and my children’s children. One simple act of self-compassion plants the seed to such a world.

And the other day when I lightened up and watered that one little seed of self-compassion?

We all had a better afternoon! I was able to lighten up with my four year old, give up on my one year old napping, and laugh about it (sort of) with Brian when he got home. I also was able to more clearly identify what I needed – a break at my writing desk while Brian took the kiddos outside. I went in to seeing clients that evening with a lighter heart and more acceptance for what it is like to be human and get through a day.

 

 

My three words for 2011: Soften, Strengthen, Forgive

Living with my husband over the years, I have come to see that the ultimate of power and strength comes from gentleness.

It sounds like an oxymoron.  In this culture, we often get messages that tell that “getting ahead” or “being successful” are a result of brute strength, ironclad resolve, major sweat, calculated and manipulative strategizing, and stepping on whoever you need to in order to be on top.  Just check out most reality shows – from the Bachelor to…what’s the one called when Donald Trump, with a crumpled up face, scowls, points his finger, and says “You are fired?”  The kind of power that results from such “work” is motivated by fear, running off the fumes of taunt, stressed out nerves.  Underneath the bravado (fame, fortune)…is still fear.  And anxiety.

Over the years of really getting to know my husband, watching how he works and loves, I have come to see the power of steadfast kindness and gentleness.  Being treated with tender gentleness is like sweet water for parched nerves.  It softens the nerves instead of frying them.  It calms the anxious mind.  Instead of hardening the heart, it breathes a sense of expansiveness it.  Being talked to, looked at, and held with sweet kindness is like having a soft blanket wrapped around you.  A warmth makes its way into your skin, toes, and heart.  It renews hope, fuels passion, and infuses the spirit with an airy lightness yet also a grounded, unshakable strength.  Now what else can do such things?!  THAT is true power!

This is how Brian loves…and lives.  This is what Brian’s love does to me.  In 2011, I’m letting myself soften more and more by the power of gentleness. I’m letting go of some of my Capricorn-got-to-be-in-charge-and-push-the-boulder-up-the-hill way of running our family and creating more room for Brian’s gentle way of loving and living to be the pervasive modus-aperendi of our fam.

My second “word for the year”…strengthen. Strengthen my body. Pregnancy takes a toll on me.  And it takes me pretty much the whole first year of having babe on this earth to really feel like we are in a sweet flowing groove.  So I’m looking forward to getting to the Y and doing some vigorous “moving my body!”  There are other types of “strengthening” that are calling me – something related to having laser-like focus related to what I put my energy into, my confidence in my writing and my work and my parenting…but I am tired tonight!  More to come.

Third word – forgive. I am feeling a movement within me to go through some focused forgiveness meditations.  Maybe this is a result of my meditation on death that I recently did.  I tend to think that I am a person who lets go and is about wanting to dissolve any “issue” that may be between me and another person.  But when I see how often I get triggered, I realize that I still hold on to past crap!  So, in 2011, I’m venturing into the dark corners of my heart and opening up the windows to bring in the light of forgiveness.

Soften, strengthen, and forgive.  And whatever gets set in motion even from just having these words on my heart for 2011 is enough.  Rather than “goals” these are new currents calling me to jump in.