Tips for Parenting with Compassion #9: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Rewards

Ok folks.  This seems to be coming up a lot.  Maybe I’m attuned to it, but I seem to be hearing this a lot lately.  I see it a lot with that Elf on a Shelf.  If you have one, get rid of it.  Yes, I feel that strongly about it.  It utilizes manipulation in order to get our kiddos to do something we want.  It is ALL about extrinsicly motivating kiddos.  It’s creepy and it’s fear based.

And I get it:  we parents are tired and under resourced.  Under stress, we default to what parenting strategies our parents used with us.  We want something easy and quick.  I get that.

But I am telling you, if you start focusing on INVESTING your time and energy into practicing some “Compassionate connection” strategies, you will soon see how SIMPLE it is.  No, not always EASY.  But the more and more you practice these, the more you build up that neuro pathway in your brain and CONNECTING with your child will become your default. You’ll see what a HUGE difference this makes in your relationship with your child.  AND you’ll notice a difference in your child.  Want a child to have faith in himself?  Want a teen to go within and sense for him or herself what is the right decision?  Want to nurture a child to become an adult who knows their passions and gifts, feels confident, and owns their life?  LIMIT YOUR EXTRINSIC REWARDS.

What’s the big deal with utilizing extrinsic rewards?

Using rewards actually BACKFIRES.  Research shows that kiddos do LESS of the behavior when they have been extrinsically rewarded!

Check out this article from Aha Parenting http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Bribery_versus_Incentives_and_Win_WIn_solutions/

Here is a great easy-t0read, short article.  http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/rewards.html.

I thought these two studies were interesting.  http://www.oncourseworkshop.com/motivation004.htm.

Here is a GREAT website to have on your bookmarks.  http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

Ok, so what do you do instead?

Well, let me start with an example.  Years ago, we were at the pediatrician’s office.  It was one of those appointments where my son was going to get a few shots.  The nurse came in and was like, “Oh, today’s appointment is a hard one!  But it’ll be over soon and maybe mommy will take you to McDonald’s because you were so brave!”

What do YOU think the problem with this was??  And don’t even get me started on using FOOD as a motivator!

INSTEAD of taking our son to McDonald’s, or giving him a toy or REWARDING him with any THING (or even a COMMENT from me such as: “Yes, you ARE so brave!”  Which, research shows, too, has a negative impact on a child’s sense of self-worth and negatively impacts behavior!), I FOCUSED ON CONNECTING WITH HIM.  I focused on being PRESENT with him, letting him know I was here with him and for him.  I DID NOT let the nurse hold him down (think: “trauma producing”).  I told the nurse how we’d do it.  YES, you heard that right — I told the nurse how we’d do it based on how I knew my child and what would work best for him.  That meant:  slowing down the appointment, not doing all the “scheduled” shots but the number I felt comfortable with, giving him a sense of empowerment by asking him what he needed, giving him information about the process (this was done WAAAY beforehand by reading to him about going to the doctor and letting him “practice” giving me shots), and letting him jump up when he was finished and move around and “let loose”, if you will.

Don’t get caught in our specifics.  These were things we did based on knowing our son.  The bottom line is instead of using extrinsic rewards, here are some  ideas:

1.  FOCUS ON CONNECTING WITH YOUR CHILD.

“I see you are hurting.  I’m here with you.”  Or for less dramatic times than shots, like dealing with a messy room, TALK TO THEM.  LISTEN to them.  Share how you feel.  Illicit their help in problem solving based on what everyone’s needs are.  (Get real with yourself.  What’s the REAL reason you want your child’s room to be clean?)

2.  Model the behavior you want. 

I was in the car the other day and the kiddos were not getting along.  I had it.  I was done.  I turned around and started yelling at them, “Aidan, I’m sick of you not being kind to your sister!  This has been going on all day!  Enough!  Start being kind to her NOW!”  What do you think happened?!  Clara started crying and said, “Mommy is angry.”  I looked in the rear-view mirror and Aidan was sinking down into his carseat — he felt horrible…about HIMSELF.  Yes, what irony:  I was wanting Aidan to be kinder and here I was yelling and threatening.  Don’t do that!   Instead… GET A GRIP.  This was all really about my OWN stuff (that’s another post) and I was tired (read: “not resourced”).  Instead, what would’ve been more helpful would have been to turn on some good music, start acting silly, illicit Aidan’s help in starting a game we could play.  I recognized this in the moment of yelling.  What did I do?  See #5 below.  And then I said to the kiddos: “Let’s have a redo.  I was mad.  I am tired.  I’m sorry.  Clara, I see you are upset.  Aidan, I see you scrunched down.  I don’t want that.  Can we regroup?  It’s been a long car ride.  Let’s put on some good xmas music and sing along.  How would that be?”  And it went MUCH smoother.

3.  Ask yourself, WHY DOES MY CHILD NEED BRIBERY or a REWARD for this behavior?? 

Really spend some time here.  Is it because I’m too exhausted (or stuck in a “shame cycle”) to be present with them?

4.  Dialogue with your child about the intrinsic rewards. 

Ask, “How do you feel when you share your book with your sister?”  Get them into their own bodies and hearts to notice what their internal experience is…and learn to trust it.  TALK to them about what’s HARD about doing their homework right after school.  TELL THEM about how you feel when you put your keys and purse and coat away right when you get home and the “reward” you get: ie, you can find your stuff again and you don’t have to worry about losing them.

5.  Ask yourself, “What is it I want?”  And: “What’s really going on here?”

Underneath the desire you have for your child to behave or certain way, there may be some hidden unmet need of YOURS going on.  When we use punishment or manipulation or cruelty, some part of us feels threatened, like we don’t have control, and fearful.  GET TO THE ROOT OF THAT!

My example from the car:  I was TIRED.  I had a long day and I needed a break.  Underneath the exhaustion was this thought: “Oh god, I’m a crappy parent.  I must be doing something wrong.  Otherwise he wouldn’t be acting like that.”  AND: “Oh my gosh, he’s going to do this for the rest of his life. “  AND: “He must feel like crap about himself and I must have failed him as a parent.”  That’s all MYYYYYYYY stuff.  Not my son’s.  THAT is what was really all motivating my REACTION (vs. response).

(*People often want to know what I do in that situation — when I recognize what’s really going on under the surface.  I try to pause.  I sloooooooow everything down.  I offer myself presence.  I offer myself compassion.  And that ALWAYS – yes always – results in opening up the space to then have compassion for others).

Ok, those are a few thoughts for this evening.  Put the elf thing away.   You don’t need it.  Your children don’t need it.  They just need you.  They need you resourced.  They need your kind eyes and safe presence.

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #7: Connect with your child with one word

Mom and dad, Soon enough I will be walking and talking. Soon enough I’ll be riding the bus to school. Soon enough I will be a teenager. Please remember me just as I am in this moment - new, soft, vulnerable, and in need of your kind, loving presence. Please always use kind words with me that lift me up and regard me as whole and good and made in God’s image.

I recently found this video by Dr. Dan Siegel talking to a group of people about the power of just one word. If you are a parent, you should know him. His work in neuroscience and parenting will change the way you look at parenting…and your child.  Here’s his website.

Try this (by yourself or with a friend. Not your child.):
Say the word, “NO!” several times in a harsh tone.
…like this, “NO! NO! NO! NO!”
Notice how your body reacts.

Say the word, “YES.” several times in a soft, loving tone.
…like this, “Yes. Yes. Yes.”
Notice how your body reacts.

(I’d be curious to hear your reactions).

Whenever I do this with a group, the reaction is strong and clear.

We can connect with our children using just one word. Yes, I know, there is a time and place for both “no” and “yes.” It’s about balance. BUUUUT, our “yeses” can be kind and our “no’s” can be kind as well. A “no” can still carry a sense of REGARD and love for our children. Not anger — which, underneath, is really fear. OUR fear.

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #6: Gotta go wild

By dontexplode, flicker

I’ve noticed this: many of us are uncomfortable with our kiddos “going wild.” For some time I’ve been noticing myself. Noticing how I get “uncomfortable” when the energy gets a bit high and I start getting on the kiddos to “bring it down.” Sure, it’s appropriate to help our kiddos learn how to self-regulate – how to go from sad or mad to “Okay” again, and from way hyper and over-stimulated to calm. But I’ve noticed how I tend to jump in too quickly to “bring it down.”

Why is that? Why are some of us uncomfortable with our kiddos “going wild”? What is it in our culture, our times?

I have distinct memories of me and friends “going wild” – jumping on a couch, hanging off a tree, playing any kind of running and jumping and wrestling game you could come up with. And the parents (aunts, uncles, neighbors, my parents) let us go wild. By doing so, I got out anything that was pent up and then naturally, organically, brought myself back into calm. I learned how to self-regulate.

Ok, sure, parents stepped in at times to “help” us do that. But I don’t think they parented in a culture that was really uncomfortable with “wild.” I mostly remember being given the freedom within limits to just “bust loose.” I don’t have any memory of my parents hovering over me, telling me to “be careful” or “bring the energy down.” I don’t remember feeling “squelched” or “contained.” Maybe that’s why I didn’t freak out when I got to college. I didn’t need to “bust loose” and go to an extreme.

I guess it’s “welcome to helicopter parenting” today! Many of you have heard me say this: I am taking micro step to micro-manage my kids less. I’m being mindful of that uncomfortable feeling rising up in me and just noticing: “Is this about me or my kiddos?”

I check in: “are they having fun? Are they hurting anyone? Is the energy still positive?”
And if the answer is: “everyone is ok and having fun,” I’m dealing with MY own stuff…and breathing. A lot of breathing and letting go.

What are we so worried about? How we look/appear to others? If our kids will be these untamed, wild animals who have no chance to do well in kindergarten, let alone focus enough to get into Harvard?

My son’s pre-k teacher tells me how A sits for circle time, he can focus, he’s starting to read and can concentrate for long periods of time, and he is kind to his classmates. Lisa, don’t worry!

Maybe it’s because we parents need to “go a bit wild.” No – a lot wild! Maybe we need to jump and dance around – at home, at church, and with our friends. Shoot, even with our spouses! Maybe we are scared of the “wild parts” within us.

I’m noticing that as I go a bit wild, I ease up on and allow my kiddos to go wild. Let A. climb the fence. Let little C. jump on A. and wrestle like little tiger cubs. Let them chase each other with pillows. I’ve noticed that when I do this, yes, there are times I do need to step in. But often they end up coming down on their own.

Case in point: the other day we were driving home from somewhere. A. and C. started singing. Soon enough, they were belting songs – each a different one because C. can’t talk yet – at the top of their lungs. I noticed the discomfort within me. I wanted to say, “Hey guys, bring it down. Let’s chill out now.” But I looked back and I saw their faces just beaming. They were estatic. Not over-stimulated or too hyper. Just having a fabulous time.

I let it be. I thought, “Here’s my break! There’s no fighting, no hungry kiddos asking for snacks, no tears.” I put down my window to feel the cool breeze. A few minutes later, it was calm…and quiet. “Mommy,” I hear from the backseat, “Look.” I look back and A. and C. are holding hands. All on their own.

So let’s let our kiddos go a bit wild without hovering over them. Let’s go wild ourselves!

 

wrestling

being goofy

more wrestling, beginning to settle

settled, connected

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #5: What Motivates our Children? Part 2

Update from the other day’s blog, What Motivates our Children: Part One: the popsicle didn’t work.

Maybe because I didn’t use my bait consistently.  Maybe because popsicles just aren’t a big enough prize for pooping in the potty!  I don’t know. But I felt weird about using food as bait for my kiddo to do something.

So I dropped it.

Then one day last week we were playing in the back yard. I was rocking C. in the hammock and A. shouted, “Mama, I gotta go poop!”  He threw down his work tools (yes, he always has a screwdriver in his hand) and ran inside.

Still holding C., I sat there for a moment, “Do I get up or just stay here?”  Then I had an image of poop all over the floor and A. I got up.

As I got inside, A. was jumping off the big potty saying, “Mama, I did it! I pooped on the potty!  AND I wiped my own bum!”  Low and behold, he did it.  Without a popsicle.

This whole poop thing has reminded me AGAIN that what motivates our kiddos is connection.

Brian and A. attempting to connect in Spanish! (Bri is adoringly fully present after a very long, hot day...for a few moments before bath .

They want to feel connected to mom and dad, other kiddos, and important adults in their lives.

They want to join us in whatever we are doing.

They want to feel special, important, valued, and included.

They want to connect to their own Self – the part of them that knows they are whole and is confident.

Here are two tips for building connection:

1.  I love, love, love Jane Nelsen’s idea of “connect before correct.” Check out my post, “Time out doesn’t work.” All those suggestions help to discipline in ways that maintain a connection.

Quick examples:

Dr. Nelsen suggest that when your kiddo is upset and acting out, first offer a hug. This doesn’t condone the behavior – it connects you two again.

When your kiddo is whining, use humor (not teasing).  Be playful. Lay down on the floor and roll around and say in a funny voice, “Man o man is it hot outside!”

2.  Meet your child where they are at – no judgment, no trying to push them along.

Yes, it’s hard to listen to other parents about how “advanced” their children are.  Yes, it’s embarrassing when your kiddo has a tantrum in public.  Yes, you’ve got a vision for your child and you wanted them to be doing a certain something by a certain age.  Get over it.

You pushing won’t motivate them to “hurry it along.”  You caring more about their grades or sports performance than they do won’t encourage them to do better.

What WILL encourage them is this:

Allowing them to experience the natural, age-appropriate consequences of their choices without saving them.

Allowing them to be exactly where they are at emotionally and developmentally, offering support as needed. 

Accepting them for who they are right now.

How would this look?  An example:

Tantruming child.

Get your own self together first.

Then go to child.

Say, “We are going to go outside and take a break.  I’ll stay with you until you are feeling better.” Then just go outside (or to the lobby or wherever).

Let them cry and cry.  Say very little.  Actually, try to not say anything.

Your presence conveys the message, “I am here.  I can handle your strong emotions.  I’ll stay with you.”

When they are done crying, ask, “Do you feel better?  Want to go back and play?”  Give them a hug and then carry on.

How about a teenager who is getting bad grades?

You talk WITH them.

You go to them with an attitude of trying to understand what’s going on without assuming they are lazy or obstinate.

You LISTEN more than you talk.

You offer to help them with their math or science giving very precise times when you’ll be available.  If they show, great. If not, you let them experience the consequences of not having their homework done or not studying for the test.

If you have specific questions, email me!

Basically, we all could use some:

sllllllowing down,

hanging out with our kiddos,

LISTENING to them,

and seeking to connect to them before we correct them.

They really do just want US – from the tots to the teens.

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #4: What motivates our children? Part 1

A. helping his dad getting mulch.

Part One

I’ve been thinking about what motivates our children to use the potty, get dressed and ready for school, do their homework, and apply to college.

Is it m&m’s for toddlers, video games for elementary schoolers, and getting to stay out later for our teenagers?

Some of those external motivators may work some of the time.  They may “get” our kids to do something.  It might make our long day a little quieter with fewer power struggles.  And we might get a minute to ourselves – to pee, eat, drive in peace, or make dinner.

Awhile back, I promised myself I’d never use external motivators with my children.  I should’ve known better than to say “never!”

Yesterday I just tried to bribe our three year old to finally go poop in the potty…with…

wait for it…

food!

That broke one of my biggest “mama rules” about motivating children!  And guess what?  It worked, Ok, well he tried.  And we gave him a popcicle for trying.

And I felt like crap (no pun intended!).

I know – as a therapist, as a mama in tune with her kiddos – the dangers of offering food, money, or a toy to motivate children.  Eventually, they look for praise and feeling good about themselves from some external source.

I know that we want to nurture our kiddos in such a way that they want to do these things – like poop in the potty, do their homework, apply to college – because they feel good about themselves and so they are internally motivated to do these things.

I’ve seen how that requires patience on a parent’s part.  Patience to “go with their flow.”  Patience to allow them to experience the natural consequences of their choices – with nurturance and guidance from us.

That requires time.  It requires feeling and being resourced as a parent.  It requires that we give up someone else’s timetable.

But that is hard, isn’t it?

And so as of yesterday, I’m coming down off my soapbox on this issue!

I am reminded of keeping things in balance.  A little external motivator may be just fine – some of the time.  I can lighten up and offer a popsicle sometimes.

But all while I seek to address the “bigger” issue.  And this is where mindfulness comes in.

Here are some good questions to ask when we find ourselves trying to “get” our children to do something:

Why am I pushing this?

Is this really a big deal?

I do believe that when we ask those kinds of mindfulness questions, we often realize that this is no big deal and us pushing our kiddos really isn’t about this issue – it’s about some fear or need of ours.

And we can balance those times of using external motivators with following our children’s timetable and nurturing their sense of self in such a way that they want to poop in the potty, help clean the house, do well in school…because the good feeling they get inside from doing these things is reward enough.

What I think truly motivates our children is the same thing that motivates us…connection.

Connection to their own healthy sense of self.

Connection to their caregivers.

Connection to their peers and other important adults.

So today…

Just seek to connect with your child.  Connecting with them in a truly authentic and kind way will go a long way in shaping your child’s behavior.

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #3: What’s in a name? A lot!

A. getting in to mischief

A few weeks ago my mom (kindly!) suggested that I be mindful of how I say our son’s name.  At first I thought, “What?! I say his name just fine!” But after setting aside my ego and denial, I decided to follow my mom’s advice.

Brian and I practice positive discipline and mindful parenting with our children.  We try to be loving, encouraging, and consistent while focusing on “connection before correction” and being both firm and kind.  So, much to my surprise and honestly, to my embarrassment, this is what I discovered:

I found that I used terms of endearment – like honey, sweetheart, baby, and love – when I felt connected to our son but often didn’t use his name.  And when I was upset, I found that some times I would say his name in a tone that wasn’t too nice.

When I stopped to hear myself say his name in stressful times, I was like “How would I feel if someone said my name like that?!  I’d feel sad and small.”  Whoa.  What a wake up call!

After getting over my paranoia that I had completely botched Erikson’s toddler stage of development, autonomy vs. shame with A., I started to really watch how I said his name – to be mindful of what my inflection and tone might be communicating to our three year old.  More and more I am trying to consciously choose to say his name in such a way that communicates love and promotes connection.

Try this with your own children. Become aware of how you say their name. What does your tone communicate? Bring more kindness to how you say their name. Let your tone, inflection, and eye contact communicate regard.

What I’ve also noticed in this mindfulness practice is this:  most often I’m not upset with our son.  I’m tired and feel frustrated with not being able to control everything.

I’m anxious over trying to be and keep things perfect (a clean house, a well-behaved three-year old, etc.  I know – GIVE IT UP!).

And really, I’m angry about how we parent in this country.  We usually are living in our own homes, figuring things out alone or from some online chat group or parenting book by some “expert” rather than surrounded by extended family and other parents.

So really, many times, even if A. is whining, not listening or is demanding something, it’s not really that behavior that’s got me all miffed.  It’s this other stuff. Eckhardt Tolle is right on, “We are never angry for the reason we think we are.”

So I’m grateful to my mom for pointing this out, even if I am embarrassed!  I am grateful to be noticing how I say someone’s name and trying to choose to say it in a way that communicates, “I value you.”

So whether or not you have children, I invite you to be mindful for even just once how you say someone’s name – your child’s, spouse’s, friend’s, staff’s, etc.  I’ll be curious to hear what you discover!

Thanks, mom!  A lot can be communicated in one single word – a name.

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #2:Time-out Doesn’t Work

Using time-out with your child who is behaving in a way you don’t like doesn’t work.  Some parents may think it works in that it might stop the behavior in the immediate short-term.  I’ve tried it – because it is easy, reinforced by our culture, takes little effort on my part to think of a win-win solution for myself and my child, and it doesn’t require me to get a handle on my own emotions.

But using isolation, fear, and punishment don’t work for nurturing our children to be compassionate, empathetic and confident kiddos…and most often they don’t even stop the behavior!

Think about it – the same society (ours) that uses time-out for children also believes that the punitive punishment of criminals (ex. isolation holes) results in reformed adults – hence our “correctional system.”  Punishment, fear, and isolation don’t reform adults and they do nothing to curb our children’s behavior in a positive way, much less teach them about cooperation and compassion.  (Side note – of all the studies that have been done about reducing recidivism, the conclusion is the same: the number one way of reforming criminals – higher education).

It takes effort to be a conscious, mindful parent.  Mostly because, sadly, it is counter cultural, and because we have to be aware of and take responsibility for our own reactions and emotions (how hard is it to get a grip on our anger in the moment of being ignited by a screaming child?!).  It’s easier to jump into controller mode and try to dominate the situation by becoming more rigid, using anger and threats.

Other solutions?  The world of Positive Discipline offers some great suggestions (for more info., check out Jane Nelsen’s blog):

Offer a Hug

Yes, that’s right.  When your child acts out just ask, “Oh, do you want a hug?”  This does not condone their behavior.  It seeks first to connect to your child when emotions are running high.  Touch also regrounds a child who is all over the place and out of control.  When things cool down, then you can talk about what is appropriate and what isn’t.

Show Them What You Want

If you want them to stop hitting (or whining, throwing, etc.), tell them what you DO want and SHOW them how to do it.  Ex. Taylor hits the cat.  Get down on Taylor’s level, look him in the eyes, and say, “We use gentle hands.”  Then show him immediately what gentle hands are.

Mirror/Validate Your Child’s Feelings

“I see you are upset.”  “I see you really want that cookie.”  “I see that you really need to run around and it’s hard for you to sit.”

Walk Away

If you and your child are having a difficult time at home, YOU walk away.  Don’t send your child away.  You say, “I’m really upset right now and I need to cool down.”  Go into the other room. Go to the bathroom.  Guess what this teaches?  Taking responsibility for self-regulation and appropriate self-care.  Funny addition – just lay down on the ground right where you are and start making funny grunting sounds or breathing deeply.  This is a true release for you and it’ll crack up your child while defusing the situation.

Lots of Time-in

Throughout the day, PLAY with your child.  Be silly.  Children learn best through play.  Give them your full, undivided attention in short bits throughout the day.

Choices

Give two choices.  Children respond better to choices than to commands.  They instinctively know when they are trying to be controlled.  “Would you like to eat a pear or an apple?”  “Do you want mom to help you or do you want to do it yourself?”  “You can take a bath being happy or sad.”

Say YES

“YES, you can go outside after you finish your dinner.”  “Of course you can call your friend when you finish your homework.”

Curious Questions

Instead of telling your child what to do, ask things like “Where would you like to put your coat and shoes so you can find them when you want to go outside?”  “What would be a polite way of asking me?”

Ask Once Then Act

Use less words and more actions.  Ask for their cooperation, give choices, and then just act.  Ex. Ella won’t pick up her toys at the end of the day.  You tried to give choices, you asked curious questions (“Where do you think would be a good idea to put your dolls so you can find them tomorrow?”), and you asked her instead of telling her to do it.  She still refuses.  Go over to her and say, “This is how we clean up.”  And start doing it with her.  Be playful and silly (use a funny voice or facial expression).

Give Warnings

“In three minutes, it will be time to leave.”  “Ok, let’s do it two more times (hit the ball, play with the toy, go down the slide) and then it’s time to go.”

Natural Consequences

Allow children to experience the consequences of their behaviors.  Child makes a mess, help them to use their own hands to clean it up. Child breaks a toy, he throws it away or helps repair it.  You can even ask, “What do you think will happen if we don’t…” (not as a threat but as a way of thinking about cause and effect).

Intentional Ignoring

“I can listen to you when you talk nicely to me.”  Then walk away.  Don’t say anything else. Or just ignoring when they are trying to get a rise out of you or using unacceptable behavior. (Obviously, don’t ignore a behavior that is hurting someone or the child).

Positive Reinforcement

Catch them in the act of doing something great. “That was really kind of you to share your snack with Jennifer.”  Name the specific behavior rather than saying, “Great job!” or “You are so great!”

Teaching Empathy

Ask, “How do you think Joseph felt when you helped him?”  “How do you think Connor felt when you yelled at him?”  Then ask a curious question, “What would be a way to help him feel better?”

Instilling Self-pride

“How do you feel about yourself after sharing your snack with grandpa?”

Identifying Feelings

Help children label and identify feelings, “It sounds like you are…sad, mad, happy, excited.  What do you think?”  Children are instinctively in tune with their bodies.  “How does your heart feel as you help out your younger sister?” Or “Where does it hurt on your body when you are angry (yelling, fighting, crying)?”

Time Away

Experts use different terms for this, but no matter what you call it, here’s the idea.  Thomas is whining or throwing things at someone’s house.  You take his hand and you walk him to another space away from the action.  You say, “We’ll wait here until you’ve finished whining.”  Then you non-emotionally just wait with him even while he throws a tantrum.  You don’t leave him, scold him, or lecture him.  When he seems finished, you say, “Are you finished?  Do you feel better?  Are you ready to go back and play?” And then go back – no lecturing.  Let it go. Some parent experts also suggest having a “comfort corner” or special place where children can go to let off steam, be by themselves, and regroup.

I could go on and on.  But I thought I’d throw out some practical tips that we’ve learned and tried to use as parents and those that I have seen to be effectively used by my clients.  Though I wrote these with younger children in mind, they can easily be adjusted for older children, even teenagers!

This IS hard work!  And I, too, often resort to what is easier or requires less of me because I am tired (hey, I’m 39 weeks prego!), I’m nervous around another parent, or because of some feeling I’m experiencing that is unrelated to the moment.  But I have noticed that when I become mindful of these practices and do them, everyone is happier!

Here’s to really hoping that we use less punitive ways of correcting behaviors and instead see the value in mainstreaming these positive discipline techniques that further attachment, enhance self-esteem, and teach compassion – for one’s self and others!  Let’s encourage each other.  And then maybe we can have an impact on how our schools discipline our children!

Here are a few other posts that relate to this topic:

Wild Thing, I Think I Love You

What Motivates Our Children Part 1

What Motivates Our Children Part 2

What’s in a Name

Feed the Meter

Tips for Parenting with Compassion #1: Feed the Meter

I love Dr. Harvey Karp’s book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block.  He offers very concrete ways of connecting to your toddler.  One suggestion he offers that I share with clients of toddlers (and teens!) over and over is the concept called “feed the meter.”

When you park your car at a meter, you have to go back and put coins in every so often to keep the meter going.  Likewise, children need several doses of our focused attention and presence throughout the day – in just 30 second to 10 minute doses.

However much time you spend with your child in a day, give them a few doses of the following:

-         eye contact (get down on their level and really look at them)

-         smiles

-         “I love you’s”

-         hugs

-         doing an activity together where they direct it

-         laugh together

-         your full presence

Just like you don’t put $20 in a meter all at once, you don’t need to put in two hours of undivided attention all the time – that just isn’t practical.  I’m talking about little doses throughout the time you spend with them – from a shared, very present moment to ten minutes.

Ex. When our three year old and I have to go somewhere, after I get him into his carseat, I often pause, really look at him, make eye contact and say, “I love you, A.”  I linger there for a moment, and we smile at each other.

Ex. My friend Lynne is great about hugging her kiddos throughout the day, just offering a warm embrace for 10 seconds or sitting on your lap for a few minutes.

Ex.  My husband is great about getting down on the floor and really playing with our son – A. gets to direct the play and Brian is just present.  Some times this lasts 5 minutes and some times it’s for longer.

Ex. Ask your child to curl up on your lap for a story.

Ex. When you are at the grocery store and your kiddo is the in cart, nuzzle them with your nose, look at them and smile, engage them in funny made up play as you pick out items.

Ex. Laugh together.  Make mundane daily activities fun – make a funny face or talk in a silly voice.

Several helpings of your attention like this make a huge difference – in your relationship with your children and in their behavior!  It wards off temper tantrums, I swear.  When you have to do something later in the day, your child is more likely to let you do it because they’ve already had some healthy helpings of your attention.  And, as Dr. Karp says, it “creates a growing relationship of cooperation and caring with your toddler.”