Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart…

see the goodness that you are

 
“My beloved child, break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come.
Your time.
To celebrate.
And to see the goodness that you are.
You, my child, are divine.
You are pure.
You are sublimely free.
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
If one comes, even in the name of ‘Truth’, forgive it for its unknowing.
Do not fight.
Let go.
You are God in disguise and you are always perfectly safe.
Do not fight the dark. Just turn on the light.
Let go and breathe into the goodness that you are.”

Swami Kripalvanandaji (Bapuji)
as copied from
“Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha”
by Tara Brach

How to heal by doing very little? Just N.A.P.!

I had a hard day.  You all know how it goes – something doesn’t go as planned, people don’t respond the way you’d like, you were just “off” and didn’t come across as confident or maybe even competent, your child threw up or is having a rough day, someone was critical of you even though you were really really trying to help. We’ve all been there. The specifics don’t matter. (No really, they don’t matter. Keep reading!)

Today, I could feel the sting in my heart, the tightness in my throat, the defeat in my slumped shoulders…all before noon.

I started down the path of aversion and separateness: “Well, I’ll never help them again!”  And judgment: “Who do they think they are?!”

I got into the car.  I sat there.  Tears were welling up.  Not the tears of hysteria and wild emotion, but the quiet tears of defeat.

I knew I needed to hear my own voice. I turned on my iphone (god, I love this thing!), went to the voice recorder and clicked “record.”

I sat there, pausing, breathing.  I know that explaining, complaining, and analyzing don’t do jack to heal us.  They aren’t the healing balm to suffering.

And I wanted HEALING BALM. Not some bandaid B.S.  I am over the “treating the symptoms” kind of approach.  I go for true healing.

So I decided to “go back to the basics” of my mindfulness practice:

I just started naming whatever was in my present moment awareness.

Any thought, emotion, memory, sensation…whatever came into my awareness, I named it.
“Anger.”
“Tightness.”
“Heat.”
“Now this layer of defeat.”
“Now breathing.  Now I am exhaling.”
“Crying….; wet…hot…”
“Now tightness in my throat.”
“Thinking.”
“Now thinking of memories from childhood.”
“Now this layer.  Thought.  Trying, trying sooooo hard.  And being misunderstood.  Feeling like crap.”
“Now breathing.”
“Now tightness.”
“Now ‘old belief’ – ‘I try and no one notices.”
“Aloneness.”
“Quiet.”
“Now regret.”
“Compassion.”
“Softening.”

It went on like this for 20 minutes.  Just naming whatever came into my present moment awareness.  No judgment.  No “going into the story.”  No analyzing the sensation, thought, memory, or emotion.  Only right here.  In the now.  Space.  And Breath.

Gradually, I noticed this:

life returning
a sense of resiliency
an okayness within me
no desire to change what was
letting go of blame, hurt
opening
expansiveness
a sense of connection

Gradually, there was less gripping.  My heart felt restored.  My body — calm.  My emotions — soft, even.

I thought of Lao Tzu’s words: “Can you wait until the mud settles and the waters become clear?”

The water was becoming clear.  Settled and clear.

NAME.
ALLOW.
PRESENCE.

That’s all I did.  I took a “N.A.P.”

This is what heals. This naming “what is.” This spacious allowing. This kind presence. Too often we get caught up in the weeds of our emotions and thoughts, when, really, all we have to do to become untangled from them is to look up and breathe in the expansiveness of the sky.  We get caught up in the waves of our thoughts and emotions instead of allowing them to just rise and and fall on their own…instead of remembering WE ARE THE OCEAN.

REMEMBER WE ARE THE OCEAN, as Tara Brach says.

Bitterness.  Confusion.  Gone.

In their place:  a gentle, compassionate, spaciousness for holding the deeper hurt within me – holding and regarding what longed to be seen within me.

But had I not just “allowed” and softened and breathed and named whatever it was that came into my awareness and held it all with gentle, gentle presence…but instead got caught up in the “weeds” of judgment, blaming, separating, I’d still be feeling like crap.  Maybe I would’ve called a friend and they would’ve been like, “Oh that bites, Lisa.  Wow.  They don’t know what a good thing they got!  You are an incredible………….” And I would’ve felt “better.”  For a moment.

But what was needing my attention most WEREN’T the particulars (the waves, the weeds) of what happened.  It wasn’t OTHER people’s reactions or behaviors that needed my attention.  IT WAS ME. The parts of me in need of some healing balm.

So I found myself THANKING these experiences of today – and all the people.  They woke me up to tend to ME.  I found myself BOWING to life and the SIMPLICITY and the ease to which we can suffer less.  Just a bit of spaciousness, naming, allowing, and gentleness.

Doing very little.  And yet healing a lot.

I didn’t change my experiences (or the people around me!). I changed how I related to them. And THAT cultivates peace. THAT is what, as the Tibetans say, brings on the lion’s roar: the capacity of heart to be with whatever arises.

I did call a friend. Well, she happened to call me. And I sat there telling her NOT about the particulars of the day but rather this process and the clearing and the CALM within me now. She gets it. We said very little. Still tender, I went home, lighter, softer, whole.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #12: The Sacred Pause

taking a sacred pause in Spring.

“Rest in the pause between breaths.
Pause in the rest between thoughts.
Bask in the space between words.
Stop in the stillness of a calm lake
and listen.”
- Julie Rappaport

In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach talks about the Sacred Pause. Pausing for a moment in our day, perhaps several times in a day, to “arrive” right here. In your day. In your body. In your life.

As a mom to two little ones, I know how busy life can be. I get up at the crack of dawn (ok, even before dawn!) and I feel like I am going all day until I, often, fall asleep in my son’s bed after singing him to sleep.

It is challenging to get away for a girls’ night, a weekend retreat…let alone a week-long retreat. I find that I need “everyday” retreats. Mini retreats throughout the day so I can arrive at my heart again, center myself, and feel MY pulse as well as the pulse of Life. I need these mini retreats in order to be able to respond to my children (and husband and co-workers) instead of react.

Every. Single. Client. or workshop I facilitate, I offer the wisdom of finding “everyday ways” to take mini retreats. To center ourselves. To re-arrive in this moment. One such way or tool is the Sacred Pause.

The Sacred Pause is a gift. It gives us a chance to come back to our hearts. To relax. To recharge. To begin again our daily tasks of caring for others.

Here’s how a Sacred Pause might look:

Take a moment to pause.
Maybe you’d like to sit down.
Feel the feet on the floor.
Let the legs relax.
Soften the belly.
Feel the heart slightly lifting up to the sky.
Feel the crown of the head lifting up to the sky.
Soften your face – eyes, jaw, lips.
Feel the shoulders relax.
Become still.
Sense your attention deepening and feel your body.
Take a few full breaths – slowly exhaling.
Breathe in…
Breathe out…
Sense yourself softening – your eyes, shoulders, judgment
Sense yourself softly smiling.
Feel the heart – from the back of the heart – lifting.
Feel the sensations of your body – maybe tingling in your shoulders, or warmth in your hands.
Feel the body from the inside out.
Allow yourself to rest – just breathing in and out, feel the rise and fall of your breath.
Stay here, still and breathing, for as long as you need.
When you are ready, open your eyes gently and slowly.
Notice how you feel.

There you go. That’s what I try to remember to do and what I offer to others. In a few minutes – at the park, at work, before walking in to the house, when I’m brushing my teeth. A mindful practice that can often bring me back to my heart and help me to arrive here again and remind me of my connection to my own Self and the pulse of Life.

The path of a liberated heart

To be mindful of what is happening within you
in this very moment;
to deny nothing;
to accept “what is;”
to welcome each part of yourself, saying
“Ahhh, there you are, dear one.
I see you.  I see your light,”
with breath, tenderness, and compassion…
this is the path of a liberated heart.

The path of a liberated heart. It sounds so simple.  And it is.  But it is not easy.  That’s because we have a lot of old baggage we are carrying — old beliefs and stories about ourselves and this world — that come into play in situations where we are triggered.  But this is how we liberate ourselves from these illusions.

To be tender with ourselves.
To be gentle with ourselves.
To accept whatever we are experiencing, whatever is happening…with breath and compassion.

What happens?

We lighten up.  We embrace ourselves.  We smile.  We open to others.  We offer ourselves to others – our compassion flows out of us in a powerful way….a way that maintains our integrity and honor AND is kind to others.

This is the path, friends.  This is the path that calls me back when I get mired in the lie that I am not worth calling myself a “dear one” and treating myself with compassion, when I get angry and am seeped in fear, and when my ego says to be harsh and disconnect.

And when I get back on that path….ahhh, my whole body rises — from the back of my heart, I breathe and open.

But we need community!  It is often hard to do this “inner work” along. We need the presence of soulful friends to remind us of our goodness and wholeness, so that we can SEE ourselves and go “within” to then come back out in the world smiling with the face of our True Self and the hands of our True Self offered to the world.

So today, say something kind and tender to yourself. Encourage a fellow soulful friend. Tell them that you see them, you see their light. Say something kind. Let your eyes communicate compassion. And see how liberating your heart feels.

Blessings of Delight,
Lisa

** If this post resonated with you, check out the Barefoot Barn’s website. Join the growing Barefoot Barn community of soulful folks on Facebook.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #11: Don’t figure it out

our meditation space...wait, what's that on the pillow?!

(I was editing this post to share this with colleagues at work in a program I am facilitating for eight weeks, and I want to share it with all of you, too. Enjoy!…again!)

I found myself bothered by something the other day. I was frustrated with Brian and my son, though they weren’t “the problem.” When I had some alone time I immediately went into “figure it out” mode. You may be familiar with this mode – the one where you dissect and try with all your brain power to figure out what in the heck is going on, where the reaction came from, and the infamous “WHY” question – “why do I get so bothered by this?” The mode where you SEARCH for information and answers, thinking that will solve the problem.

Then I caught myself. What I tell clients at least a bagillion times came to me: “Information informs, it doesn’t heal.”

In Buddhist meditation and psychotherapy, and in many healing traditions, we don’t believe that ultimate healing comes for analyzing it, figuring it out, finding THE answer, THE cause. It may lead to some great information, enabling us to “wrap our heads around it” but it only goes so far.

Information informs. It doesn’t heal – the heart, emotions, nervous system, or relationships.

I have had many experiences where I know fully well what caused me to get angry, frustrated, or annoyed, and yet I still get hijacked by my emotions. I still go riiiiight into my familiar habitual way of reacting.

Why? Because I’m stuck.

Just like a gerbil on its wheel going around and around again getting nowhere. I haven’t healed from some event that is now lodge in the very cells of me. My body, thoughts, emotions and nervous system are frozen, still holding the experience.

Do you know this feeling?!

Instead of “figuring out THAT cause” or asking “WHY, WHY, WHY???” what can we do?

What brings a resolution to the emotional charge when presented with a stimulus that triggers the heck out of you?

Well, I can only speak from my own depth of heart and my experiences with accompanying others.

We can pause and breathe. With two little kiddos on me, in the middle of making breakfast and getting everyone ready for the day, I can’t go running up to my actual meditation cushion. Can you relate?

But we can go to the “meditation cushion in our hearts.”

We can put our hand on our hearts, breathe and hold whatever is rising up within us with compassion and spaciousness.

We can actually invite in the anger or frustration (and the emotions, thoughts, and memories that lie beneath that surface emotion) rather than pushing it away, analyzing it or judging it.

We can be gentle, give it breath, and bring it out into the light.

We can say, “Ahhh, there are you, dear one, I see you while we notice the sensations in our body that arise within us.

We can watch the emotions, thoughts, memories, and old beliefs, rise and intensify, and then fall…all. On. Their. Own. Watching and inviting instead of getting swept up in or hijacked by the emotion.

We can be curious with gentleness and not send out a search party into our hearts with the glaring lights of “Why do I DO this?! What IS this?!” Then watch it all shift and be released. Maybe we cry, sweat, or tingle. But we can know now that is the nervous system releasing, thawing out.

I used to say, “Oh but this is soooo haaaard!” But really, it’s so simple. We have the “tools” with us wherever we go – our breathe and our heart. Just pause and breathe. Feel it.

I’m done saying it’s so hard.

yep. cherrios!

I am seeing how in my own personal journey and in my work with clients that more and more often, healing comes from doing less and less. No complex treatment plans or coping strategies. No talking about it over and over again and reading a bagillion self-help books. No dissecting, digging into the past, or analyzing it.

I am finding that the times we do very little, great shifts occur.  On their own.  We find ourselves lighter, calmer, and more at peace.

Don’t fake the joy.

I read something the other day that made my stomach turn.  A blog chastising moms to “love it all” and “enjoy every minute of it.”

There are plenty of moments in parenting that just plain bite.

There are plenty of moments when I am not joy-filled as I clean up squashed and crunchy food on the floor, separate my two kiddos as they bug each other…for the upteenth time…that hour, look down and realize that I have strawberry stains from little hands on my ONE (ONE!) NEW cute, stain-free t-shirt, and think about how in the world am I going to get to the Y today?!

It’s in those moments when jumping in to being “joyful” would be to deny what is present right here, right now.

Yes, I get the whole “self-talk” thing and “positive thinking” thing and the “you have a choice in every moment” thing.  While there is a place for “embracing the positive” and “choosing joy”….

…there is also a crucial first step that we CAN NOT skip.  Whenever we deny what is present — anger, rage, sadness, loneliness (you name it) — we cannot embrace true joy.  I’m not talking about getting all mired in the emotion (that doesn’t help either!  Then we are hijacked).  I’m talking about not chasing after joy, clinging to it, and believing that it’s a permanent feeling.  We set ourselves up to feel awfully guilty if we believe we should be joyful every moment and we deny what is currently present within us.

So what do we do?

Before running after joy, “shoulding” ourselves in to it; before getting mired in our emotions…… we pause.

We notice whatever is present. 

We say “Ahhh, I see you, dear one” with tenderness.

We put our hand on our heart.

We allow whatever arises space to be.

We accept.

We allow.

We breathe.

Without clinging or pushing away — anything.

And what happens?  We soften!  We relax.  We create spaciousness.  Insight arises.  We embrace the next right thing to do…which may be mom taking a “mama time-out” or hugging and saying sorry…and going outside to play and buy something from the ice cream truck that comes down our street riiiiight around dinner time.

Ironically, as we accept WHAT IS — without denying anything or forcing ourselves to ‘be joyful’ – joy naturally arises.  A deeper joy that sustains us.

So don’t fake the joy.  Create the space for it to rise on its own.

Sacred Softening

Sacred Softening

My body knows
has always known
my way back to God.

I dance
moving in slow sensual swirls
under the vastness of a moon-lit night

swaying until stillness fills every cell
and there are no hard edges
striving, panting, thinking

only breath
and heart.

Empty now,
I open into spaciousness

becoming the brilliant Night Jewel
boldly, gently shimmering her soft light.

And I discover that
I have always been
resting

shining

in God’s lap.

© 2011 Lisa A. McCrohan

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness # 6: The Way

dawn emerging. on retreat.

The Way

It is in spaciousness

that we breathe

find stillness to rest in

allowing what is

to be

letting go of expectations

and embracing gentleness

as the way to truly heal.

Opening and softening,

we become.

This
is how
we unlearn
our way
back to
God.

© 2011 Lisa A. McCrohan

God seems to be reminding me again and again to “go back to the basics.” To breathe in a sense of spaciousness whenever I am experiencing an intense emotion. To create a bit of space between me and whatever feeling has a grip on me in the moment. To let compassionate spaciousness hold it. Much like pouring a spoonful of water into the ocean. Seeing it dissolve. Becoming part of something bigger than itself.

When this happens, I can breathe better. Think clearer. My heart opens. I connect – to my heart, my beloveds, my “enemy.”

What just had a tight grip on me five breaths ago now feels like No. Big. Deal.

Gentleness. Softening. I am tired of tightening up, hardening my heart, trying harder. It just doesn’t work. Doesn’t bring healing. Or rest. Or stillness. Or closeness – with myself, my God, or anyone.

Countless strategies and programs. Unlearn it all – all that our culture says is true strength, beauty, power, and the way to feel better.

Open instead of close off. Include instead of shut out. Soften instead of harden. Let it be instead of trying.

Ahhh yet how quickly we can forget in the moment and let our world become so myopic.

Just go back to the basics. There is no other way.

Don’t figure it out

our meditation space...wait, what's that on the pillow?!

I found myself bothered by something the other day. I was frustrated with Brian and my son, though they weren’t “the problem.” When I had some alone time I immediately went into “figure it out” mode. You may be familiar with this mode – the one where you dissect and try with all your brain power to figure out what in the heck is going on, where the reaction came from, and the infamous “WHY” question – “why do I get so bothered by this?” The mode where you SEARCH for information and answers, thinking that will solve the problem.

Then I caught myself. What I tell clients at least a bagillion times came to me: “Information informs, it doesn’t heal.”

In Buddhist meditation and psychotherapy, and in many healing traditions, we don’t believe that ultimate healing comes for analyzing it, figuring it out, finding THE answer, THE cause. It may lead to some great information, enabling us to “wrap our heads around it” but it only goes so far.

Information informs. It doesn’t heal – the heart, emotions, nervous system, or relationships.

I have had many experiences where I know fully well what caused me to get angry, frustrated, or annoyed, and yet I still get hijacked by my emotions. I still go riiiiight into my familiar habitual way of reacting.

Why? Because I’m stuck.

Just like a gerbil on its wheel going around and around again getting nowhere. I haven’t healed from some event that is now lodge in the very cells of me. My body, thoughts, emotions and nervous system are frozen, still holding the experience.

Do you know this feeling?!

Instead of “figuring out THAT cause” or asking “WHY, WHY, WHY???” what can we do?

What brings a resolution to the emotional charge when presented with a stimulus that triggers the heck out of you?

Well, I can only speak from my own depth of heart and my experiences with accompanying others.

We can pause and breathe. With two little kiddos on me, in the middle of making breakfast and getting everyone ready for the day, I can’t go running up to my actual meditation cushion. Can you relate?

But we can go to the “meditation cushion in our hearts.”

We can put our hand on our hearts, breathe and hold whatever is rising up within us with compassion and spaciousness.

We can actually invite in the anger or frustration (and the emotions, thoughts, and memories that lie beneath that surface emotion) rather than pushing it away, analyzing it or judging it.

We can be gentle, give it breath, and bring it out into the light.

We can say, “Ahhh, there are you, dear one, I see you while we notice the sensations in our body that arise within us.

We can watch the emotions, thoughts, memories, and old beliefs, rise and intensify, and then fall…all. On. Their. Own. Watching and inviting instead of getting swept up in or hijacked by the emotion.

We can be curious with gentleness and not send out a search party into our hearts with the glaring lights of “Why do I DO this?! What IS this?!” Then watch it all shift and be released. Maybe we cry, sweat, or tingle. But we can know now that is the nervous system releasing, thawing out.

I used to say, “Oh but this is soooo haaaard!” But really, it’s so simple. We have the “tools” with us wherever we go – our breathe and our heart. Just pause and breathe. Feel it.

I’m done saying it’s so hard.

yep. cherrios!

I am seeing how in my own personal journey and in my work with clients that more and more often, healing comes from doing less and less. No complex treatment plans or coping strategies. No talking about it over and over again and reading a bagillion self-help books. No dissecting, digging into the past, or analyzing it.

I am finding that the times we do very little, great shifts occur.  On their own.  We find ourselves lighter, calmer, and more at peace.

Mindful Moment: Thich Nhat Hanh (again!)

Oh how I love Thich Nhat Hanh! He has these these simple, lovely phrases for lightening and softening the heart that we can incorporate into any day we’re having…any moment, actually! Here’s one that I’m breathing today,

“Breathing in, I soften; breathing out, I smile.”