Gem of peace: doing nothing out of anger

Gem of PEACE for today: A few weeks ago, the contractors restoring our house messed up and didn’t put insulation back into one of our walls.  Here’s how it went down and what I learned…about myself and anger.

I had a feeling they didn’t put insulation into one of the walls they were restoring.  I asked them.  “Of course we did,” they assured me.

But it still bugged me.  Brian and I sat with it over night.  We decided to ask them in the morning to open the drywall again.  If there was insulation, we’d pay for the extra repairs.

In the morning, Brian asked them to cut open the drywall to see.  There wasn’t any.

Brian was there when all this went down as I was at the doctor’s office (remember, I still have a brain injury!).  When he told me, I was livid.  I felt cheated.  I felt taken advantage of.  I was angry that we had been so kind to the workers (feeding them, making sure they were comfortable) and this is how they treated us.

I told Brian I was going to march into the house and talk to the manager. I walked inside and found the head guy.  I said to him, “How could you?!  How could you do this?!  We were kind to you!  We made sure you were taken care of.  We trusted you!”

I wasn’t yelling – and I felt “proud” of myself for this (I’m not proud of this now!).  Until…

The manager apologizes profusely.  He then explained what happened.  It was a mistake.  Nothing intentional.  All the guys on the crew apologized.  One guy cut the drywall and left it there. Another guy went upstairs, saw the drywall in place and just started sealing it up without checking to make sure it was ready to go.  Yes, they are responsible for slowing down and doing a good job.  BUT…

THIS is what sits with me:  I intentionally went in there to talk to the manager knowing I was angry, thinking I was justified and that my story was correct (“they are taking advantage of us!” etc).   I didn’t seek to understand first.  And really…my story was wrong. 

The bottom line is this:

my anger was coming from stress (try having a brain injury and then three floors worth of your home destroyed and tons of pounding and sawing) and from fear (feeling vulnerable — I know nothing about home repairs).  It was also coming from old habitual ways of thinking…past experiences making their way into my analysis of the current situation.

Anger does this — we get a story going in our head.  Our thinking becomes really myopic (“they did this to pull one over on us!”).   We feel vulnerable, taken advantage of, like a victim, and powerless.  We get justified in our anger.  And we act out.

I am learned that even though I was correct in that they did not put in insulation, it didn’t serve me (I felt awful later) or the situation to act out of anger.  I am learning and learning that when we are angry, it is better to do NOTHING.  Don’t talk.  Don’t reply to an email.  Don’t text. Goodness don’t post it on Facebook.  Don’t do ANYTHING out of anger.

Instead…breathe.  Long exhales.

Tend to the vulnerable feeling.

Tend to the feeling of powerlessness.

Treat yourself with the utmost kindness and tender regard.

Soften. 

Wait.

A reaction out of anger is always from fear.  And it holds an empty, short-lived, ultimately deflating sense of power (often then filled with guilt and shame).  It hurts others.  It hurts ourselves.  It disconnects us from others and our own hearts.  It feels sticky, ugly, yucky.  It’s laden with regret.

A response out of groundedness, tenderness, and self-compassion comes from love.  And it holds a sort of power that is spacious, full, uplifting, and EMPOWERING.  A true power.  It connects us to the deep power of our hearts…and this universe.  No matter what the outcome of the situation, there is a sense of peace within us because we are taking action that is aligned with love — ultimately, our true nature…our home.

I may not do this every time.  But I am going to make a commitment to try and do NOTHING out of anger.  Instead, to pause and wait… wait with kindness for my own self and breathe.  If this is humanly possible, I hope you will join me!  Do NOTHING when you are angry!  Wait.

Share with me how it goes for you!

Love,

Lisa

* Thank you for reading these Gems of Delight and being a part of the Barefoot Barn community.  Thank you for being a part of this evolution of bringing more compassion into the world by sharing these Gems with your dear ones so they can live with more delight, compassion, and connection in their everyday lives.  I hope these Gems serve you.  Visit the Barefoot Barn website for other ways that I may serve you with mindful coaching (especially for parents!), psychotherapy, workshops and retreats.  Thank you for sharing your comments — it is always a delight to hear what gems are emerging within your own heart.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #4: It’s Your Choice

lifesshinyprettythings.blogspot.com/

In a Single Day

There are a million chances

in a single

day

when we have the power

to create

or destroy,

to build someone up

or tear them down,

a million chances to

pull away

or move toward,

to be right

or be kind,

to act out of fear

or choose

Love.

Lisa A. McCrohan © 2009

People come to me in pain.  Maybe not physical pain, but emotional, psychological, spiritual and surely “relational” pain.  They want to know how to connect to their partner (and others in their lives), how to be happy, and a lot of the times, how to get their needs met.

A sure way to not be happy, to not connect to your beloved, to not get your needs met, and to remain suffering is to believe you have no choice – that “this” – whatever it is – is happening “to you.”

Many of us believe that IF ONLY our partner were to do X, THEN we’d get along…THEN I’d be happy, THEN I wouldn’t get so frustrated, THEN I wouldn’t nag (or pull away, or blow up).

These “IF / THEN” statements are a lie, a distorted belief that keeps us trapped in the same old way of feeling, reacting, and being together.

One path to “being happy,” to connecting with your beloved, and to possibly shifting the suffering in your life is to realize you have a choice.

Every day YOU have a choice. And a million chances to try something different.

Will your voice communicate kindness or meanness? 

Will you pull away or move toward? 

Will you choose to follow the fears of your ego or the wisdom of your heart?

It can be scary to try something new. It’s as though everything in you is resisting it (that’s the ego, friend).  The ego loves what is comfortable – even if it isn’t healthy or helping you to grow (or grow up!).

So just breathe.
Acknowledge that fear.
Don’t try to get rid of it.
Allow it to be there.
It’ll end up shifting on its own.
A choice will rise up within you.
AND then make a choice.
Even when you mess up, ok, let that moment go.
THIS moment, THIS choice.

Ok so you mess up again.  Let it go.  Make your choice in this new breath, this new moment.

I mess up every day – I may react harshly to my husband or sigh a long “I’m annoyed and I’m pulling away” kind of sigh.  But some times I can catch myself and wake up…and make a different choice.  Wow!  What a difference this makes.

My willingness to be vulnerable and say, “Wow, I’m sorry, let’s try this again” and own my reactions becomes an invitation to Brian to come closer…it draws him in and we connect.

YOU have the power to create or destroy the life you want. In every every every situation there is a choice.

Buddha said something like this: “Liberation isn’t the end of suffering but rather the realization that you are suffering.”

Why? Because when you wake up and realize that you are suffering, then you have a choice.  THAT is liberation.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness # 6: The Way

dawn emerging. on retreat.

The Way

It is in spaciousness

that we breathe

find stillness to rest in

allowing what is

to be

letting go of expectations

and embracing gentleness

as the way to truly heal.

Opening and softening,

we become.

This
is how
we unlearn
our way
back to
God.

© 2011 Lisa A. McCrohan

God seems to be reminding me again and again to “go back to the basics.” To breathe in a sense of spaciousness whenever I am experiencing an intense emotion. To create a bit of space between me and whatever feeling has a grip on me in the moment. To let compassionate spaciousness hold it. Much like pouring a spoonful of water into the ocean. Seeing it dissolve. Becoming part of something bigger than itself.

When this happens, I can breathe better. Think clearer. My heart opens. I connect – to my heart, my beloveds, my “enemy.”

What just had a tight grip on me five breaths ago now feels like No. Big. Deal.

Gentleness. Softening. I am tired of tightening up, hardening my heart, trying harder. It just doesn’t work. Doesn’t bring healing. Or rest. Or stillness. Or closeness – with myself, my God, or anyone.

Countless strategies and programs. Unlearn it all – all that our culture says is true strength, beauty, power, and the way to feel better.

Open instead of close off. Include instead of shut out. Soften instead of harden. Let it be instead of trying.

Ahhh yet how quickly we can forget in the moment and let our world become so myopic.

Just go back to the basics. There is no other way.

Love’s Quietness: My Husband’s Everyday Valentine Gift

“True inward quietness…is not vacancy, but stability—the steadfastness of a single purpose.”
-Caroline Stephen

Last night I felt drawn to go back and read some journals from years past. I happened to pull out the one from my first semester in graduate school, the fall I met my husband, Brian. In reading some of my entries, I was struck by something: what I sensed in him and between us then is what I still sense today. And I needed the reminder.

“Sept. 29: Brian came over and we made dinner. Oh how it seems to just flow between us…He has a beautiful, kind presence… I find myself thinking of him as I meditate and pray, feeling a soft smile emerging from a deep space within me. I pray that God will direct my head and heart to what’s really at my core. Whatever God is up to – let God be up to it.”

“Oct 1: I have fallen for Brian. ‘Ahhhh!’ is all I can say. My heart is exhaling. There is a gentleness about him, a profound peacefulness…how can I be taken by someone from such a deep, soothing, peaceful place in me…Tonight he laid his head down on my lap and I just sat there petting his head. We sat like that in silence for an hour, our hands softly touching. No words…just ‘being.’ This is true grace. I am at peace, wrapped in peace, melting into Brian.”

I knew at the end of that first semester that we would be in each other’s lives. I saw within Brian a profound peace, a gentle and powerful stillness that made every cell in me exhale.

A decade later, life looks completely different than it did that first semester. A new town, tough pregnancies, two kiddos who are our greatest teachers, loneliness, sleepless nights, a mortgage, forgetting it’s recycling day, budgeting, births, deaths, and everything in between.

As I sat there reading these entries, I was struck by how, over the last few years, I have often been frustrated with Brian’s quietness. I’m not talking about the typical “wife wants to talk, husband is talked out” kind of frustration. For an introvert, Brian is actually really awesome about engaging me in conversation.

But rather this: I can get so frustrated thinking that Brian is not “in it with me” because he doesn’t “match” my inner emotional state – when I am stressed about getting out the door in the morning, worried about registering for preschool, packing for a family trip, or figuring out the grocery list.

Sometimes I have pulled back over the years, mistakenly thinking that I am “in it alone” when Brian is calm and quiet. And when we feel alone many of us protect ourselves, often retreating inward, withholding, cowering back, blaming, lashing out. And if you are anything like me, we push away the very thing we need.

But what I am coming to know and heal – through a lot of meditation! – is that my frustration and anger have nothing to do with Brian’s quiet. Just as Eckhart Tolle says, “You are never angry for the reason you think you are,” I am angry because I am filled with fear. Feeding that fear are old hurts, old patterns being relived, hijacking me while I stand in our kitchen, holding C., getting A. ready for school, searching for my keys, and talking harshly to Brian. It is the fear that “I am alone in this.” As I let that fear hijack me, it grows, I push Brian away, and I feel even more alone.

But the times when I acknowledge that I am starting to feel alone, breathe with it, and choose to connect to Brian, I receive the very thing I need: to be alongside a kind, stable, steadfast soul drawing me into a vast landscape of peace and tender love. Brian’s quietness is that peaceful landscape that holds and heals my fear of “being in it all alone.” In ways I never imagined that first New England fall when I fell in love with Brain, his quiet, gentle presence is actually my healing balm, a soothing salve that nourishes and strengthens me.

I once asked Brian when we first started dating what he believed his purpose was on this earth. He said, “To love.” I have written about how I have three (not one!) words for this year: soften, strengthen, and forgive. When I choose to turn toward those sweet blue eyes, Brian’s peaceful presence softens my worries, strengthens my light, and draws me into a sense of “home” within my own soul. THAT is Love. And I am grateful that Love forgives and embraces again and again.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweet love.

Dear Dr. Trauma Expert:

Dear Dr. Trauma Expert,

I went to your conference the other week.  Your research is cutting-edge.  I bow to how you take on “the powers that be” of the mental health world, challenging the way we diagnose and treat complex trauma in children and adults.  The findings of your research and the outcomes of the work your center does is phenomenal – challenging the “here, take a pill and feel better” mentality of the big-bucks-pharmaceutical-driven-mental-health world that, in many cases, may actually be harming patients.  You’ve shown how yoga, mindfulness, body movement, and a whole host of simple and “wholistic practices” can impact the parts of the brain impaired by trauma and resolve trauma symptoms.  As a woman of the next generation of therapists who knew even when I started my career 14 years ago that there was more to wellbeing than just giving someone a pill, I am estatic to be practicing in these times.  You and many of your colleagues have sustained what I knew in my body, heart, and gut were avenues to true healing.  That helps make my job a lot easier.  Thank you!

But, Dr., at the conference…you were cruel.

I say this with compassion.  It’s taken about a week to muster up this compassion.  At first I was shocked.  So were about 400 other people – as I observed from the audible gasp in the audience when you reacted with harshness to a comment.  Then I was angry – how could someone who is a trauma expert act with such cruelty?!  I was also flabbergasted that I saw people still buying your books!  I thought, “How can anyone have respect for this man?!”  I also heard that some of your colleagues can be “scared stiff” to work with you.

Then I practiced metta meditation.  I sent loving-kindness to you, as well as to myself and all the other practitioners who were there this past weekend.

Then my heart began to soften and my mind opened to understand what may be happening.  Here are three thoughts:

1. Vicarious trauma. Maybe you – like all of us who do this work – are carrying the stories of your patients in your own nervous system.  Maybe you are tired from your fighting against the “establishment”, working long hours for little pay, and seeing so many patients who have experienced the most horrendous of atrocities.  And maybe it has been a long time since you cared for yourself, acknowledged the impact of the work you do on your wellbeing, and done the very practices your research shows to improve functioning, lighten the heart, fortify the body, and heal the brain.
2. My own reaction. I love Eckhardt Tolle’s reminder that we are never angry for the reason we think we are and Michael Brown’s reminder that every person who triggers us is just a messenger showing us something about ourselves that we are not willing to see.  And that leads me to the next point – power.  My anger with you was an opportunity for me to be conscious of how I use my power and to also heal from the times others have used their power “in not so nice ways” in my life.
3. Power. Why did folks still buy your books?  Maybe they forgave you and could more easily look beyond the cruelty you displayed.  Possibly.  Maybe it also has to do with what you yourself have talked about:  when we’ve been traumatized, we look to align and attach ourselves to a person of power – even if that person is the same one who is hurting you. It’s a self-survival strategy.

Power is a curious thing.  In this culture and times many of our leaders lead with fear.  As you put it, President Bush during 9/11 was acting as a “limbic man” – a man caught in fight-or-flight.  A man who was scared himself and led from a place of fear.

When we lead from a place of fear – as a world leader, trauma expert presenting, manager in an office job, or parent – we may get the respect we want and people may follow us without question.  No squabbles. People still buy our books.   Our children listen to us.  Nations align themselves with us.

But what. are. we. doing. to. the. hearts. bodies. brains. and psyche of those we lead?????????

This is how many dictators have led. This is how many atrocities have been committed.  Dr. Trauma expert, you, me, every one of us feeds this “cruel energy” when we ourselves are scared, “limbic people,” and we lead using fear to command and attract followers – at a conference, at home, at the United Nations table.

Like I’ve said in another post, I do not want to be this kind of leader.  I don’t think you do either.  I think you, too, know – not just in your head but in your heart and body – that there is another type of power.  The power of gentleness, compassion, and presence.  The power of building people up instead of tearing people down.  The power of joining (Carl Rogers), integrating (Dan Siegel), and being a compassionate presence (Jack Kornfield).  The power of acting from a place of abundance and love instead of deficit and fear.

I do NOT believe that it is “survival of the fittest” that has kept the human species comin’ along.  But rather it is the “love and nurturance” we have shown each other throughout time that sustains human life.

So, dear colleague, I don’t think you’ll ever read this post.  But, I hope you feel my prayer to you – and all of us – that we lead from a place of love.  That we nurture our own selves by being consciously aware of what residual or vicarious trauma we are holding.  That we do the healing work necessary to have compassion for ourselves.  And then we are able to react less to people from our limbic system and respond more from the heart.

And it starts with being a conscious leader right here, right now in whatever ways we have power.  Thanks Gandhi – peace does begin with you/me.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #4: It’s Your Choice

lifesshinyprettythings.blogspot.com/

In a Single Day

There are a million chances

in a single

day

when we have the power

to create

or destroy,

to build someone up

or tear them down,

a million chances to

pull away

or move toward,

to be right

or be kind,

to act out of fear

or choose

Love.

Lisa A. McCrohan © 2009

People come to me in pain.  Maybe not physical pain, but emotional, psychological, spiritual and surely “relational” pain.  They want to know how to connect to their partner (and others in their lives), how to be happy, and a lot of the times, how to get their needs met.

A sure way to not be happy, to not connect to your beloved, to not get your needs met, and to remain suffering is to believe you have no choice – that “this” – whatever it is – is happening “to you.”

Many of us believe that IF ONLY our partner were to do X, THEN we’d get along…THEN I’d be happy, THEN I wouldn’t get so frustrated, THEN I wouldn’t nag (or pull away, or blow up).

These “IF / THEN” statements are a lie, a distorted belief that keeps us trapped in the same old way of feeling, reacting, and being together.

One path to “being happy,” to connecting with your beloved, and to possibly shifting the suffering in your life is to realize you have a choice.

Every day YOU have a choice. And a million chances to try something different. 

Will your voice communicate kindness or meanness? 

Will you pull away or move toward? 

Will you choose to follow the fears of your ego or the wisdom of your heart?

It can be scary to try something new. It’s as though everything in you is resisting it (that’s the ego, friend).  The ego loves what is comfortable – even if it isn’t healthy or helping you to grow (or grow up!).

So just breathe.
Acknowledge that fear.
Don’t try to get rid of it.
Allow it to be there.
It’ll end up shifting on its own.
A choice will rise up within you.
AND then make a choice.
Even when you mess up, ok, let that moment go.
THIS moment, THIS choice.

Ok so you mess up again.  Let it go.  Make your choice in this new breath, this new moment.

I mess up every day – I may react harshly to my husband or sigh a long “I’m annoyed and I’m pulling away” kind of sigh.  But some times I can catch myself and wake up…and make a different choice.  Wow!  What a difference this makes. 

My willingness to be vulnerable and say, “Wow, I’m sorry, let’s try this again” and own my reactions becomes an invitation to Brian to come closer…it draws him in and we connect.

YOU have the power to create or destroy the life you want. In every every every situation there is a choice.

Buddha said something like this: “Liberation isn’t the end of suffering but rather the realization that you are suffering.”

Why? Because when you wake up and realize that you are suffering, then you have a choice.  THAT is liberation.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #1: Loosening your grip on anger

The 14th Dalai Lama

We are born to be happy.
-Dalai Lama

When was the last time you were angry?  Maybe it was when you were stuck in traffic or when your teenager started to back-talk.  Whatever the situation, ask yourself, when I got angry did I say or do anything that, later, when I thought about it, I wouldn’t have said or did?

All of us have had the experience of saying or doing things in the moment of feeling angry that we later regret.  We can minimize these times, build healthier relationships with those we love, and feel happier by changing what we do with our anger.

Anger is a natural human emotion.  One of my colleagues has said that if anger had a voice it’d say something like, “there has been an injustice.”

Like all emotions, anger can inform our decisions about how to stand up for justice or change a situation – if we treat it with mindfulness.

But most often, we get swept away by anger.

It controls us rather than us being able to remain centered and observe it without being overtaken by it.  Anger becomes a wild forest fire, as the Buddha said.

If you want healthier and happier relationships with the people you love, then learn to “get a grip”.  Here’s what I mean:

We often want others to be the ones who change.  For example, your child does something that frustrates you.  You start shouting then expect your child to stop doing the frustrating behavior.  Have you noticed how this just escalates the situation?  Anger doesn’t bring peace.  It brings more anger, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding.

A healthier response is to learn to “loosen your grip” on your anger.
How?

1. Own your anger. Before the next time you become angry, reflect on this: your reaction is your responsibility.

This is hard for folks to hear, but it’s the first step to liberation from you anger and to experiencing happiness: your co-worker, child, partner, parent, neighbor didn’t “make you” get angry.  That was your choice.  Make a commitment to yourself that the next time you become angry, you’ll own it.

2. Acknowledge your anger in the moment.  You may say something like, “Oh wow, I’m getting angry.”  Even if you can’t name it exactly just notice something like, “Man, I’m getting bent out of shape” or “I can feel my jaw tightening.”

3. Allow the anger to be there.  The Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh suggests saying to the anger, “Oh there you are dear one, I see you.”

You notice it and allow it to be there.  You are present to it without trying to get rid of it or getting overwhelmed by it.  This healthy “observer” stance grounds you, creates a healthy sense of distance between you and your anger, and enables you to stand and watch the anger without getting consumed by it.

4. Breathe.  Focus on your exhale and exhale completely.  This slows down the stress response that kicks us in to fight, flight, or freeze mode.  It enables us to access the part of the brain used for better decision-making.

5. Touch something. Touch the arms of the chair you are sitting on or become aware of your feet touching the ground.   This sends a signal to the brain, “Whoa, come back here to the present moment.  Get a grip.”

6. Let it go.  Become aware of what you are feeling, own it, allow it, and literally grip or touch something.  Then envision yourself letting the anger go.  Choose to see anger for what any emotion is – it’s like water – it wants to flow. It doesn’t want to get stuck or stagnant.  See it like a wave – moving in and then out of you.

7. Ask yourself, “What is the compassionate response?”  What action would be an act of kindness toward yourself and for the other?  Just do it.

When you decide to practice this, you’ll notice that your change in response will elicit a change in whoever you were angry with too.  By you changing yourself you’ve changed the situation and possibly even the other person’s response toward you.  Becoming mindful and then ultimately letting go of our anger frees us and enables us to accept our birthright – to be happy.

I have taught these tips to clients for years – from elementary school children to grown adults.  I have seen the liberation that can take a hold of the total person.  I see it in  their faces, eyes, heart, words, and actions – just by practicing these simple steps.  Sometimes I have to remind myself DAILY and moment-by-moment of these very practices!  Sometimes I mess up and my anger gets the better of me. 

But then there is the next breath, the next moment…a new opportunity to choose something different, a more compassionate response.  It’s in those moments that a spaciousness begins to be breathed into all of our hearts and our lives.