Tips for Mindful Relationships #7: Regard

Recall the last conversation you had with your partner.

Did you look at them?

Did  your eyes communicate “I see you?”

Did your heart communicate “I’m listening?”

Did you look at them — really look at them and hold them with regard?

We can so often get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily living that we forget to MAKE EYE CONTACT with our partner.  We can get so caught up in our interpretations, sulking in our hurts, mired in the story we’ve created, as our anger grows and we feel even more justified and RIGHT.  We can get so caught up in our habitual ways of interpreting and reacting.

Soon these fleeting moments turn into “the norm.”  We can spend years this way.  Decades.  Even a lifetime.

How lonely.  What a waste. There is much more happiness available to us than this!

Folks can often come to therapy with a laundry list of complaints about their partner (or children).  They want to know how to “get” their partner to do, say, or feel something.  I save them several long, expensive, fruitless sessions:  you can’t.

We can’t GET anyone to do anything.  The only thing we have “control” of is OURselves.  OUR reactions.  OUR actions, words, and emotions.

We live in a “me, me, me” culture.  And we live in the extremes — either totally negating “me” or totally wrapped up in “me” mode.

This does not work for being in a healthy and flourishing relationship.

Try “regard.”

Have regard for your Self.  Acknowledge what is happening within you at any given moment.  BE with arises.  Truly, some need will arise.  A deep need from the heart.  Share that need with your partner.

Have regard for your partner.  LIIIIIIISTEN.  Listen with the eyes and ears of your heart for the underlying need that is being expressed.  Let your whole BODY communicate, “I SEE YOU.”

This week, vow to yourself, if you feel moved to, that you will practice treating yourself and your partner with REGARD.  And when you don’t, just wake up, acknowledge that, and begin again.  There is ALWAYS time to begin again, this time, with your heart postured for listening and acting with kindness.

Want some great info on compassionate communication?  Check out the Center for Nonviolent Communication .  This is an international organization for communicating with compassion – with our partners, children, co-workers, etc.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #4: It’s Your Choice

lifesshinyprettythings.blogspot.com/

In a Single Day

There are a million chances

in a single

day

when we have the power

to create

or destroy,

to build someone up

or tear them down,

a million chances to

pull away

or move toward,

to be right

or be kind,

to act out of fear

or choose

Love.

Lisa A. McCrohan © 2009

People come to me in pain.  Maybe not physical pain, but emotional, psychological, spiritual and surely “relational” pain.  They want to know how to connect to their partner (and others in their lives), how to be happy, and a lot of the times, how to get their needs met.

A sure way to not be happy, to not connect to your beloved, to not get your needs met, and to remain suffering is to believe you have no choice – that “this” – whatever it is – is happening “to you.”

Many of us believe that IF ONLY our partner were to do X, THEN we’d get along…THEN I’d be happy, THEN I wouldn’t get so frustrated, THEN I wouldn’t nag (or pull away, or blow up).

These “IF / THEN” statements are a lie, a distorted belief that keeps us trapped in the same old way of feeling, reacting, and being together.

One path to “being happy,” to connecting with your beloved, and to possibly shifting the suffering in your life is to realize you have a choice.

Every day YOU have a choice. And a million chances to try something different.

Will your voice communicate kindness or meanness? 

Will you pull away or move toward? 

Will you choose to follow the fears of your ego or the wisdom of your heart?

It can be scary to try something new. It’s as though everything in you is resisting it (that’s the ego, friend).  The ego loves what is comfortable – even if it isn’t healthy or helping you to grow (or grow up!).

So just breathe.
Acknowledge that fear.
Don’t try to get rid of it.
Allow it to be there.
It’ll end up shifting on its own.
A choice will rise up within you.
AND then make a choice.
Even when you mess up, ok, let that moment go.
THIS moment, THIS choice.

Ok so you mess up again.  Let it go.  Make your choice in this new breath, this new moment.

I mess up every day – I may react harshly to my husband or sigh a long “I’m annoyed and I’m pulling away” kind of sigh.  But some times I can catch myself and wake up…and make a different choice.  Wow!  What a difference this makes.

My willingness to be vulnerable and say, “Wow, I’m sorry, let’s try this again” and own my reactions becomes an invitation to Brian to come closer…it draws him in and we connect.

YOU have the power to create or destroy the life you want. In every every every situation there is a choice.

Buddha said something like this: “Liberation isn’t the end of suffering but rather the realization that you are suffering.”

Why? Because when you wake up and realize that you are suffering, then you have a choice.  THAT is liberation.

How about a little tenderness?

Little C as a newborn after a bath

One of my teachers shared this video.  Oh my goodness.  Please, view it right now. Then come back and read this post.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/04/skip-your-morning-meditation-watch-this-instead

I was moved to tears watching this hospital worker bathe this newborn.  I was struck by the woman’s tenderness and total presence as she bathed a child who is not her own.  Time stood still as she slowly led this newborn into an experience of the holy – an opportunity to remember “Home” out of the womb.  Her safe and loving hands caressed this child in wholeness.  A sacred, intimate dance in the water.  A sensual experience.

Tenderness.  Leads.  Us.  Home.

Watch how the newborn settles.  Just watch his or her eyes as the worker brings the child into the water.  They communicate “ahhhhh, I am home.”   See how his or her body completely relaxes.  See how the worker’s hands lovingly massage the child’s head, back and hips.

I showed this to Brian last night.  We sat in silence for awhile — how you do when you’ve just seen God incarnate.  And you realize you’ve just been asleep but now you are awake and SEEING how EVERYthing is drenched in the Divine and is holy.

Witnessing this newborn’s first bath cuts through the veils of illusion that keep me from remembering that each of us was such a newborn.  Each of us – no matter what we’ve done in life – has that pure and holy newborn in us.  The sacred pulse of the Divine.  We are breathing miracles, vessels of Divine Light.  Holders of the holy.

Our flesh is a miracle.  Our bodies are holy.  I do believe that our human journey is about casting off the veils of illusion in our minds so our hearts can lead us where they know to go:  Home.

Every human being deserves such loving touch, tenderness, and attention. A reminder of how the Divine holds us.  A reminder of Home.

Who do we hold with such tenderness?  Who do we need to hold like this?

Who holds us with such tenderness?  Who do we need to ask to hold us like this?

When we tenderly regard and hold others, we bring heaven to earth.  And all of us soften, open, connect…and settle.

If just one day this week all of us held someone with such regard and tenderness, our planet would feel a gigantic shift.

Truly we all walking on holy ground.  We should all have enough sense to take off our shoes and kiss the ground – and each other.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #6: How to love the one you’re with

This fall, I found myself feeling irritate with Brian. (I know, how could I be upset with this sweet face?! It happens!)

I kept focusing on what he wasn’t doing “right” (cough. um…MY way). This didn’t make anyone happy. Including me.

I decided to stop whining and do something. I heard a great idea:

1. Make a list of the things you love about your partner.
2. Share it with them.
3. Make a list of the things you want your partner to do differently.
4. Throw it away. (They ain’t gonna change)
5. Make a list of the things you can do for your partner.
6. Start doing them.

I needed that “kick-in-the-butt” kind of love. So, this is what I did:

1. I made a list of the things I love about Brian. It was long.

2. I shared it with him. A few times.
3. I never made the second list (see why below)
5. I made a list of the things I could do for Brian.
6. I started to do them.

This is what I discovered:
1. Brian does MORE than enough.
2. I’VE got some work to do.
3. As I wrote out the things I love about Brian, my heart softened.
4. I stopped focusing on how I wanted things to be different.
5. When it came time to write the list of things I wanted to change about Brian, this is what I wrote:

Nothing. I couldn’t think of a single thing Brian had to change. I felt sorry for being so hard on Brian and asked him to forgive me.
6. I felt empowered by focusing on what I could do for Brian.
7. Some of the things that frustrate me about Brian are actually things that I wish I was more like (eg. how easy-going he is). So I decided to figure out ways I could “practice being Brian”…in my own “Lisa” way.

So what happened?
I started to appreciate, once again, who Brian is and how he loves us and this world. I started to focus on the little things that I could do for him to see him happy. I started tucking in the sheets for him, moving the seat back in the car, quietly touching his shoulder and looking at him for a moment in the “kitchen chaos” in the morning. I have started to feel lighter, empowered, and connected to Brian again. And Brian has started to smile more, too.

Stuff still bugs me. In those moments, I breathe, change my focus, and I say something like “Let it go, Lis. No big deal.” Or I remind myself of how Brian truly loves me and is a goooood man. And he is human. I give him a break. I give myself a break. I remind myself that there’s ALWAYS something I can do to stay frustrated and turn away or be lighter and connect. I’m working on choosing “connection.” It just feels better.

Tips for Mindful Relationships # 5: Don’t Take it Personally

I finally arrived at my friend’s house after packing up the kiddos, turning around to get the toy my son had forgotten at home and wanted to give to his friend, returning an important phone call, packing my things to head off to work in an hour when my husband would meet me at our friend’s house and where I’d hand the kiddos off to him, and handing out snacks to the kiddos as we drove…and when we arrived there my friend was ON THE PHONE. Here’s what went through my mind in a millisecond:

{My heart slumping forward a bit}, “Oh, weren’t you ready and watching for us? It took so much effort to get here and I was so excited to see you and now it’s like that is no big deal. I really care for you and love us hanging out.” {Now anger kicking in, chest puffed up}, “Do you know what I did to get here?! You shouldn’t be on the phone!”

Hurt. Then anger. Then judgment.

Do you see the cascade of self-righteousness?! Separateness – a “me” and “them.” A distancing. My world becoming myopic as I felt justified to feel this way. My body becoming rigid. Embarrassing, eh?! But it’s true, this happens!

Has this happened to you?

There are situations like this every day over this way! Taking personally the driver who cuts me off or the check-out counter dude who throws my stuff in those flimbsy plastic bags that inevitably break when I’m walking up the stairs to our house or when Brian leaves his stuff on the island in the kitchen.

All of this happened in about 5 seconds. Then I noticed this internal reaction. I breathed. And I said to myself, “Don’t take it personally.”

The minute I said that to myself a whole cascade of new reactions happened.

Spaciousness. Lightening up. My grip on my anger and self-righteousness loosened. The lens of my view widened. “It’s not personal.” And I began believing that.

And then…even more good stuff… I softened and extended some compassion to my dear friend: “We’ve got to support each other as women, as moms. I’d want the same kind of allowing and spaciousness to just be where I’m at. I know how little time each of us has to ‘take care of business’, to make a phone call, to have a moment.”

And my heart then became gracious, supportive, and connected again to my dear friend, a fellow mindful mama in the trenches. My heart widened and opened so wide. And I loved her…and myself.

I decided to focus on my little C. busy investigating the coffee table. And I relaxed, delighting in my daughter and feeling connected again to my friend.

ALL IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS! I laughed. I watched how my relationship to the experience changed as I just breathed and said, “Don’t take it personally.” And for a moment, I was able to see clearly again. We’re all in this together. And offering spaciousness just to be exactly as we are is such loveliness. We all want that. Thanks to all of you who extend such lovely spaciousness to me, including my dear friend!

So here’s to “not taking it personally” when our partners leave the toilet seat up, a friend forgets to call, a co-worker acts gruff, or a stranger in line behind us bumps her cart into our heels. “It’s not personal.”

Tips for Mindful Relationships #4: It’s Your Choice

lifesshinyprettythings.blogspot.com/

In a Single Day

There are a million chances

in a single

day

when we have the power

to create

or destroy,

to build someone up

or tear them down,

a million chances to

pull away

or move toward,

to be right

or be kind,

to act out of fear

or choose

Love.

Lisa A. McCrohan © 2009

People come to me in pain.  Maybe not physical pain, but emotional, psychological, spiritual and surely “relational” pain.  They want to know how to connect to their partner (and others in their lives), how to be happy, and a lot of the times, how to get their needs met.

A sure way to not be happy, to not connect to your beloved, to not get your needs met, and to remain suffering is to believe you have no choice – that “this” – whatever it is – is happening “to you.”

Many of us believe that IF ONLY our partner were to do X, THEN we’d get along…THEN I’d be happy, THEN I wouldn’t get so frustrated, THEN I wouldn’t nag (or pull away, or blow up).

These “IF / THEN” statements are a lie, a distorted belief that keeps us trapped in the same old way of feeling, reacting, and being together.

One path to “being happy,” to connecting with your beloved, and to possibly shifting the suffering in your life is to realize you have a choice.

Every day YOU have a choice. And a million chances to try something different. 

Will your voice communicate kindness or meanness? 

Will you pull away or move toward? 

Will you choose to follow the fears of your ego or the wisdom of your heart?

It can be scary to try something new. It’s as though everything in you is resisting it (that’s the ego, friend).  The ego loves what is comfortable – even if it isn’t healthy or helping you to grow (or grow up!).

So just breathe.
Acknowledge that fear.
Don’t try to get rid of it.
Allow it to be there.
It’ll end up shifting on its own.
A choice will rise up within you.
AND then make a choice.
Even when you mess up, ok, let that moment go.
THIS moment, THIS choice.

Ok so you mess up again.  Let it go.  Make your choice in this new breath, this new moment.

I mess up every day – I may react harshly to my husband or sigh a long “I’m annoyed and I’m pulling away” kind of sigh.  But some times I can catch myself and wake up…and make a different choice.  Wow!  What a difference this makes. 

My willingness to be vulnerable and say, “Wow, I’m sorry, let’s try this again” and own my reactions becomes an invitation to Brian to come closer…it draws him in and we connect.

YOU have the power to create or destroy the life you want. In every every every situation there is a choice.

Buddha said something like this: “Liberation isn’t the end of suffering but rather the realization that you are suffering.”

Why? Because when you wake up and realize that you are suffering, then you have a choice.  THAT is liberation.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #3: Speak Their Language

I often see couples in therapy who really do care for each other – but what they are experiencing is, as Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men, “a failure to communicate.”

What’s happening?  Sometimes it may be that they are speaking different love languages.  One simple way I have found to be effective in quickly improving communication is to figure out who is speaking what language and then coach the couple in each using the love language of their partner when they want to communicate “I love you” and “I care for you.”

What’s a love language?

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote an easy-to-read book called The Five Love Languages.  A love language, as Dr. Chapman explains, “is a way of expressing and interpreting love.”  He writes that there are five universal love languages and we all have a primary one that we like to “speak” – or rather use when giving love and get when receiving love:

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch

How do I figure out my love language?

Here’s the gist:

Ask yourself, “How do I usually give (demonstrate) love?” Is it through a written card? Spending time with that person? Do I always have a little something to give them?  Do I do things for them?  Do I reach out and touch the person?

Ask yourself, “When do I feel most loved?  When do I get that warm fuzzy feeling and know, ‘ahhhh, they really love me’?” Is it when they talk to me and tell me what a great spouse I am?  When we hang out together?  When I receive a gift from them?  When they do something for me?  When we embrace/hug/kiss/carress?

(A great indicator to our primary love language:  how we give love is usually how we like to get it back!)

Can you see where there might be a ‘failure to communicate?’  It might be that you are speaking one language and your spouse is speaking another – and you both don’t feel “heard” (loved, seen, cared for…).

The truth may NOT be that your partner doesn’t love, see, or care for you.  You just might be speaking or sharing your love using a different language.

What to do?

Once you identify your primary love language and that of your partner, when you want to connect to them, begin by speaking their language!  (Imagine if both people in the relationship speak the other person’s language – they’ll both feel heard and loved!)

How does that look?

Ok, let’s say Jim’s primary love language is acts of service and his wife, Sally, hers is words of affirmation.  Jim and Sally really care for each other.  Jim shows her that by working hard at his job, making her coffee, or getting her car washed.  Sally shows that she cares by complimenting Jim and telling him how much and why she loves him.

But neither of them feels loved, heard, or cared for.  Jim is confused because he does all this stuff for her.  Sally is confused because she is constantly telling him what she appreciates about him.

Jim and Sally come to therapy.  They start to understand what their love languages are.  Jim begins trying to TELL Sally things like, he loves her and what he appreciates about her (some times it’s as easy as saying your partner’s name in a kind way!).

Sally begins trying to notice little things she can DO for him to show she is thinking of him, like making his coffee, getting his car washed (the same stuff he was doing for her!), etc.

After a few weeks of being mindful of each other’s love language, they may both report in therapy that they feel more heard, seen, appreciated, and connected to each other.

I have found the love languages to be a nifty tool in a couple learning to become mindful of how to effectively connect to each other. They learn that it may not be that their partner is this mean and selfish person!  But rather they are just using different languages to demonstrate their affection. And once they become mindful of their partner’s love language, they can speak to them in a way that leaves their beloved with that feeling of “ahhhhh, I am so loved!”

 

Tips for Mindful Relationships #2: Words and Body Language

Choosing Our Words and Body Language

Tip: Communicate with your beloved in such a way that there leaves no doubt in his or her mind and heart the depth and breadth of your love for them.

Let your words communicate it.  Let your body language communicate it.

I remember sharing this with a couple in therapy.  The wife said, “This is haaaaard.”  She’s right.  It is really hard…at first…because often we have been trying to get the other person to change and making them responsible for changing how we are as a couple.

Instead of asking, nagging, or demanding our partner to do something so we feel more connected to them, we take a breath.

We take responsibility for improving our communication with our partner.

We take the initiative to change the way we interact with our partner.

We pause and choose our words with mindfulness and care.

We pause and notice what our body language is communicating.

Here’s where I get black and white:

Our words either uplift or tear apart.

Our body language either communicates that we want to connect or disconnect.

I can guarantee that using words that tear apart will not draw you closer to your partner or get you what you want.  I can guarantee that turning away from your partner or withholding your loving gaze will not draw them closer to you.

But I have seen it happen again and again – in therapy with clients and in my own relationship with my husband – that when we choose words that are honest but compassionate, and a bodily stance that is inviting rather than stand-offish, things begin to shift.

I can hear the “But she is the one who should…..” and the “But you just don’t get it.  He is so…..”

Nope.  Enough trying to make the other person change.

Take responsibility for your part of the interactions with your partner.  When you do this, you no longer play the victim and there is an incredible sense of self-power that comes from this.

Can you imagine what would happen if both people in a partnership made it their “job” to communicate in such a way that left no doubt of their love for their partner?!  Both would flourish.

Tips for Mindful Relationships #1: Just Ask

Any time you look at your partner and have the thought, “He/she should……..” think again! Time and time again I hear people say that their partner “should know that I need such and such or that I like such and such.”

Examples:

“He should know I’ve been home with two kiddos all day and need some real adult conversation.”

“She should know I don’t like to talk while I’m watching my TV show.”

So what do we often do?

Often we sulk and act like a victim.  I know that word makes people cringe but often it’s true – we make someone else responsible for our happiness while we sit back and “can’t believe” what we put up with.

Better solution?

The minute you become aware of one of your thoughts that starts with “He/she should…” switch it around right there and then to “I can…”

“I can ask for what I want.”

“I can let him know how I’m feeling.”

“I can tell her that this is important to me.”

And then just ask.

Just ask for what you want in a kind, direct way. 

Just say what you need without complicating it or having a two hour discussion about it. 

Most often you’ll end up getting exactly what you want!  Our partners WANT us to be happy and they WANT us to feel loved (if they don’t, that’s a whole other blog entry).  And when those we love have specific direction about how to help, love, and nurture us, they are better equipped to give it to you!  Instead of having to read your mind and trying to guess why you aren’t talking to her or why you are acting all irritated toward him, your partner will now feel empowered with a specific way to love you up!  It’s a win-win!

Here’s how a scene might look:

Wife and husband are home from work.

Wife wants to connect by talking. Husband wants to decompress from a long day of talking.

Wife notices that husband is quiet and begins to think, ‘What is up with him?!  He’s being cold. He should know that I want to connect to him.”  She gets irritated.

Husband begins to think, “Huh, I wonder what’s up with her?  She seems to be in a bad mood. She should know I need just five minutes to decompress.”

Wife begins to act passive aggressive.  Husband begins to feel drained and pulls away.

Stop right there.

Take a breath.

Instead of acting out, pulling away, or sulking, each could take responsibility for what they want and just ask for it.

First – they could each ask themselves, “What is it I want?”

Name it! “I need a hug” or “I need to talk” or “I need five minutes by myself.”

They could then say to themselves, “I can ask for what I need!”

Then just ask for it!

Wife could say, “Honey, I could really use a hug and kiss. I’d love to chat with you about the day.”

Husband could say, “Love, I need just five minutes to myself and then I can listen.”

If each of them says what they need and listens to the other, then they’ll want to do what the other needs and then they’ll also get their need met!  Win-win!

Try it out. Just ask for what you want.