Drop the Mama Guilt and Get Resourced

I’m a mindful parent. I also work with parents every day to bring more compassion and mindfulness into their lives, including their parenting. I think it’s fabulous how much attention parenting is getting these days. What drives me nuts are posts on some parenting sites and blogs that guilt mamas (and dads) into loving every minute of being a parent and being absolutely perfectly present in every moment.

Holy tamole. It’s too much! There is soooooooooo much focus on how to parent in loving and kind ways – how to effectively manage tantrums, teenagers talking back, and messy rooms. (Actually there is too much information out there that folks don’t know where to go and what to advise to listen to…and so they feel frozen).

And while that’s great, what I DON’T see much of is this: resourcing mom and dad. Teaching mom and dad how to be gentle and kind to ourselves. How to allow ourselves to be human. How to be present to our own hearts and yearnings and sadness and yes, even rage and mourning. And learning to gently tend to and nourish ourselves.

That’s the “harder” stuff. You can focus on discipline strategies ‘til you are blue in the face and things may change…for a moment. But the realllll shifts in our lives AND in our children (and their behavior) come from this: mom and dad learning to be kind and compassionate with our own selves.

We all want our children to grow to become confident, happy, and compassionate adults. A sure way to support this is for us to be kind and gentle with ourselves – to be with whatever rises up within us, responding with compassionate attention.

THIS is the foundation of every single effective parenting or disciplining strategy.

So enooooooough focus on guilting mama into loving every moment of the day. Enooooough telling us that “oh you’d better savor it because…” WE GET IT. Instead, let’s focus on the harder stuff to explain and put into words. Let’s focus on the murkier work. Let’s focus our attention on our own hearts and bodies. Ask yourself: what do you love? What is drawing your attention – from the depths of you?

Let yourself be silently drawn
by the strange pull of what you really love.
It will not lead you astray.
~ Rumi ~

Be the goddess you are. Be the goddess you are called to be. Maybe that means speaking your truth in a way that has been silenced for too long. Maybe that means wearing soft, flowy sensual clothing in fabrics that allow you to move and breathe. Maybe that’s creating, making art, painting, writing. Whatever it is, do it.

(By the way…the blogs/websites on my Blog Roll are about resourcing mamas!)

I can’t

Moms.  We are a powerful bunch.  Blood, vomit, skinned knees and elbows, broken bones, broken hearts, lost lovies, middle of the night hugs and holding.  Can’t find your favorite blanket?  No problem.  Want to play basketball this winter?  We’ll get you there.  Gotta do a fundraiser?  Let’s do it.  We make it happen.  We handle it.

But in a world of perfect pinterest pictures and crafts and recipes; in a world where ultimately the buck stops with us; in a world where many of us don’t have the luxury of generations of women with us throughout the day…

…we can feel responsible…for EVERYthing.  How our children act and feel, how the house looks, the finances, menus for meals, making sure our kiddos get enough rest and love and warm clothes and friends and piano practice and exposure to the arts, birthday parties, homemade cupcakes, the right presents…etc etc.

We are the family’s pediatrician, chef, party planner, CPA, soccer coach, chauffeur, social planner, interior designer, hair dresser, breadwinner, school board rep, historian and picture taker…

We get up. We make it happen.  Kiddos are bathed and dressed and sometimes we are, too.

But over the years, though I have felt this ever increasing surge of “at the end of the day, I’m responsible for it all,” I have also found myself saying, “I can’t do it.”

And more and more on a regular basis.

This morning was one of those “I can’t” days.

I can’t stay up till midnight editing family pictures in time for today’s party and get up early and not be exhausted.  I can’t be present to my kiddos when they seem to really just need ME this morning and do the final touches on my presents for family.  I can’t make homemade butternut squash soup, vacuum (at least the main floor!), straighten up, clean the main bathroom, get dressed, get the kiddos fed and happy and off each other, get Christmas cards in the mail, get to mass, get ready for the party at our house WHILE BRIAN IS AT WORK.

I can’t do it alone.

“I can’t do it,” I found myself silently saying to myself as I threw the unbaked butternut squash back into the frig and responded harshly to the kiddos asking for a snack and looked at the disaster of a kitchen.  I called Brian, “I can’t do it.”

A tightness gripped my stomach and spread up to my throat.  I had to admit I couldn’t do it today.

I am not super mom. And though I don’t try to be, I admit, there are times I feel “responsible” as though I were super mom.

Today, this morning, I am tired and cranky and alone mom.  I am  frazzled mom.  I am in-need-of-a-nap-and-some-help mom.  I am in-need-of-breakfast mom.

I couldn’t and I didn’t.

Unknowingly, my dear friend and neighbor happened to call in the middle of it all.  “I’m going to the Common Market, do you need anything?”

God bless you!  “Yes, I need twine!”

“Twine?”

“Yes, twine.  To wrap the cards I made for the girls in my family.”

“I’ve got some.  It’s in tangled in a ball — the kiddos got to it and….”

She didn’t even have to explain.  I got it.  And she got me!

My five year old, who is always spot on and honest and an extrovert who shares, “Mom, you’re kind of like Aunt Petunia this morning (the awful aunt in Harry Potter).  What gives?” And he gave me a hug.

So Brian came.  I slept.  He made the soup, put Clara down for a nap, and straightened up enough.  And from upstairs, I heard…nothing.  And it was beautiful.

I received their kindness today.

We’ve all heard, “Tis better to give than to receive.”

Nope.  It’s harder to receive.  When you give, you are in control.  You are “on top.”  Often someone feels indebted to you.  You get a warm, fuzzy feeling and often a warm and verbose “THANK YOU!”

When you receive…you are brought to the vulnerable raw, helpless, needy parts of yourself.  You are humbled by your own weakness and often times…brokenness.

It’s hard to be in that place.  God forbid we admit being needy and vulnerable and unable to “make it happen.”

Over the years of having kiddos I have been brought to my knees many times — in prayer, sleep deprived and exhausted rocking and nursing, to the toilet vomiting (mine or my kiddos), the floor wiping up god knows what spilled, and into the arms of my Brian saying, “I can’t do it.”

It’s hard to admit that.  But I can’t.  I can’t be present to my kiddos and get a million things done.  I can’t be on the PTA, our CPA, FB, or…some other acronym…and cook homemade meals, blog every day, work, write, do yoga, meditate…..blah blah blah.

So I don’t.

But I can do a few things. And do them with love and attention and kindness.  And that’s what my life is about — being mindful of slowing down, of noticing what really matters, of being ok with not having it all together.  That’s what parenting is teaching me.

I…we all..can do one thing in a moment instead of mulit-tasking and busying our lives and doing a crappy job at it.

We can sllllllllow down.

Leave the dishes.  Forget nicely wrapped presents.  Slow down and receive the moment.

Receive…

This breath.

This hug from your little one,

this Grace,

this help,

this kindness from others.

And so, this morning, my “act of kindness” was to myself (and ultimately, my family!).  I took a nap so I’d wake up as Lisa. Not Aunt Petunia.  Lisa whose eyes smile tenderly at my little ones. Lisa whose can greet family and make folks feel welcomed and loved.  Lisa who can handle a new marble game all over the floor.  Lisa who can hold Little C all afternoon.   Lisa who can read another chapter and another and another of “The MAgic Tree House” to my son.  Lisa who can say, “Thank you” to Brian at the end of a beautiful, humbling day.

Mama, got self-compassion?

Caring for ourselves IS caring for others.  We all have heard of the “airplane rule” — put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others.  Every single workshop or class I teach, every single person I see in counseling, we practice self-compassion.  It is the basis for how we treat others, including our dearest ones.

When we are kind to ourselves and well-resourced, we are able to be more mindful and soulful in our interactions with others.  When we regard ourselves — every part of ourselves — with deeeeep love, we are able to more fully extend that regard to those we love.  When we see ourselves through the eyes of compassion, we can see others with those same soft, kind, sparkling eyes.

This weekend, dear ones, please… get resourced.

Notice what you say to yourself.

Notice how you tend to yourself — how you brush your hair, what you read or watch, what you put into your body, how you breathe.

Find what nourishes you, what enlivens you — in little doses…because that’s how we transform our lives..in moments — by incorporating little moments of Sacred Pausing and kindness to ourselves in the daily hustle and bustle of our days.

By transforming our moment-to-moment experience and soaking ourselves in self-compassion, this is how we create a more compassionate home and world.

Don’t fake the joy.

I read something the other day that made my stomach turn.  A blog chastising moms to “love it all” and “enjoy every minute of it.”

There are plenty of moments in parenting that just plain bite.

There are plenty of moments when I am not joy-filled as I clean up squashed and crunchy food on the floor, separate my two kiddos as they bug each other…for the upteenth time…that hour, look down and realize that I have strawberry stains from little hands on my ONE (ONE!) NEW cute, stain-free t-shirt, and think about how in the world am I going to get to the Y today?!

It’s in those moments when jumping in to being “joyful” would be to deny what is present right here, right now.

Yes, I get the whole “self-talk” thing and “positive thinking” thing and the “you have a choice in every moment” thing.  While there is a place for “embracing the positive” and “choosing joy”….

…there is also a crucial first step that we CAN NOT skip.  Whenever we deny what is present — anger, rage, sadness, loneliness (you name it) — we cannot embrace true joy.  I’m not talking about getting all mired in the emotion (that doesn’t help either!  Then we are hijacked).  I’m talking about not chasing after joy, clinging to it, and believing that it’s a permanent feeling.  We set ourselves up to feel awfully guilty if we believe we should be joyful every moment and we deny what is currently present within us.

So what do we do?

Before running after joy, “shoulding” ourselves in to it; before getting mired in our emotions…… we pause.

We notice whatever is present. 

We say “Ahhh, I see you, dear one” with tenderness.

We put our hand on our heart.

We allow whatever arises space to be.

We accept.

We allow.

We breathe.

Without clinging or pushing away — anything.

And what happens?  We soften!  We relax.  We create spaciousness.  Insight arises.  We embrace the next right thing to do…which may be mom taking a “mama time-out” or hugging and saying sorry…and going outside to play and buy something from the ice cream truck that comes down our street riiiiight around dinner time.

Ironically, as we accept WHAT IS — without denying anything or forcing ourselves to ‘be joyful’ – joy naturally arises.  A deeper joy that sustains us.

So don’t fake the joy.  Create the space for it to rise on its own.

B-bye Guilt, Hello Goddess

Drop the guilt. Be the goddess.

Guilt.  Mama guilt.  Wife guilt.  Whatever kind of guilt you got — let’s let it go!  Let’s encourage each other to drop the guilt.  We can be awfully, awfully hard on ourselves.  Our “Oh I did a bad thing” or “I should be doing such and such” or “A good…… (mom, friend, wife) does such and such” can quiiiiickly turn in to “I’m bad.”  Then we’ve got shame.  Guilt and shame — touch combo.  They paralyze us.  They get us believing a story that takes us far away from our original, natural state: our tender, confident, bold, soft, powerful, loving, compassionate heart.  Call it being “Christ-like” or being a “Bodhisattva” or embodying “Shakti”– our natural state is one of believing in our goodness and acting with compassion for ourselves and each other.

Ok, so how we do drop the guilt and embrace the goddess?

First, encourage each other! Encourage your fellow goddess.  When you notice your friend is caught in the illusion of guilt and shame and is “going down that path…fast,” look her in the eyes, place a hand on her arm, and tenderly say to her, “Friend, I see you.  And I see your light.” Smile at her!  Smile at her goodness…and her goddess.

When you wake up and notice you are “shoulding” all over yourself, in that moment of awareness, put your hand over your own beautiful, tender, powerful heart and say, “Ahhhh, sweet love.  I see you.  I see your light.”

Try it.  See what happens.  Right now!  You softened – didn’t you?  Even if you felt silly – you probably laughed.  You lightened up.  Maybe you even started to ask the question, “So what would it look like for me to embrace my goddess instead of my guilt?  What does ‘being a goddess’ look like for me?”

B-bye guilt.  Hello to our light.  Our tender, powerful, creative, sweet, compassionate goddess.

Embrace your inner sensual goddess

embracing your sensual goddess

I wrote a post awhile back titled “Enough.” Enough of us women playing small, cutting on other women, displacing our anger, and enough of not believing in ourselves, our dreams, and each other.

“Enough” is rising up in me like a volcano. I see it in other women. I see it present in our culture – women reclaiming our feminine power.  Do you feel it too?

Do you sense the movement within you to abandon your ego and false beliefs?  Do you feel the tension building between the call of that Divine movement and your desire to cling to what is no longer serving you?

Do you hear the Great Mother, the ultimate of feminine power, calling you to stand and rise and embrace your inner goddess?  Do you hear her whispering to you, “Come.  Claim your birthright to embody me?”

It IS our birthright to discard the destructive beliefs, lies we’ve told ourselves, and false stories that have been written on our skin and planted in our psyche.  It IS our birthright to claim our sensuality and the power of our feminine form.

But how?

How do we reclaim, embrace, and embody our feminine power?

It is NOT through patriarchal or Puritanical ways.  It’s not through domination or denial.

When we embrace, allow, hold everything in spaciousness, share power, and connect, we turn the lies written on our bodies and in our minds to ash.

Instead of pushing away — anything that is painful, ugly, “other” — we allow it to be present too.  We embrace it as Thich Nhat Hanh would say “as a dear one.”

We hold every thought, belief, emotion, and part of ourselves in s p a c i o u s n e s s.  No denying, pushing away, clinging to.

Here’ s an idea I told a client this week… Imagine a beautiful big bowl before you — huuuuge.  Imagine that bowl holding all the different parts of you, all the story lines, all the desires, all the answers to the question: “What is happening right now?”  And you just see the bowl holding it all. WE ARE THAT BOWL.  All we have to do is hold it.  Allow it.  Create spaciousness.  AND IT ALL SHIFTS ON IT’S OWN.

Instead of dominating, we share power. We share space.  We share resources.

Instead of disconnecting — from any part of ourselves, from our beloveds, from life — we connect.

AND…

We listen to the delights of our heart guiding us in EVERYDAY ways of giving voice to the goddess within that wants to emerge.  Like for me — I’ve been growing my hair out for two years now.  I felt the call to have “luscious long hair.”   This was a step.  And here’s my luscious long hair.  I love it.  I feel sensual — not for anyone else — but for me.

me with luscious long hair. goddess rising!

I’ve started to buy a few outfits that speak “goddess” to me.  I’ve started to be BOLD – with how I advocate for my dear ones, how I teach, and how I speak my truth.  I see the goddess in other women and moms — and I point out what I see.

Everyday there is an opportunity for us to embrace our inner sensual goddess.

And…any religion, dogma, or personal belief that tries to keep that feminine voice down is truly not of God. THAT is sin.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #9: Soften

Soften, soften, soften. Whenever we wake up and realize that we have hardened our hearts, that we are pulling away, that we are wanting to be right and standing our ground, that our anger has led us far away from what we really want (to belong, to be loved, to be connected)…the answer isn’t to get more ridged. Or more self-righteous. Or more self-protective and closed off. It’s to soften.

Soften our brow. Soften our jaw. Soften our shoulders away from our ears. Soften our grip on…everything. Unclench our fists. Soften our words – to ourselves and others. Soften around our heart. Soften, soften, soften.

I am finding more and more the truth of what Lao-tzu says here — softness always triumphs over hardness or harshness or rigid thinking or trying to justify our positioning. Softness is always stronger and more powerful than any kind of power that comes from fear and seeks to dominate. I am convinced of this now.

Next time we feel the burn of anger, of feeling justified in how we feel or in what we think, of judging someone else — however right we may believe we are — just soften. Breathe into the heart. Relax the shoulders and jaw and eyes and belly. Soften, soften, soften. And a strength rises.

God in the ugly

Inspired by the spiritual yoga class I teach at our local parish, I started to really sit with the Gospel reading for today, Sunday, November 20, 2011. It’s the very “Catholic-y” famous Matthew 25: “…for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothes me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.”

taken by theojunior, flicker

Noticing God…… Right here. In even the ugliest of places. The vulnerable, the outcast, the imprisoned. No, not just in what is beautiful.

It’s easy to see God in babies and butterflies. What about seeing God in the ugly?

The outcast, the sick, the lonely?

What about seeing God in what makes us recoil…about ourselves? The parts of us that we are ashamed of so we try and keep them in the dark? The outcast, ugly parts of us longing to be gently brought out into the light with tender, warm hands…holding, protecting, healing?

I see God in the lavenders and reds of the rising sun, the ocean-blue eyes of my children, the coziness of our light-filled home. I have become mindful and grateful for such delights. I have trained my brain and eyes and heart to pause and notice these silent gems in my day. And while yes, I could always use more mindfulness in my day to notice these gems, tonight, as I write, in the darkness, listening to the rain, feeling the pulse of silence in our sleeping home, I’m wondering about seeing God in the ugly. The ugly moments of my day. The ugly parts of me. My habitual reactions looping again and again.

I haven’t looked for God there. If anything, I have tried to keep God out. Along with the light and my beloveds and my Self. Oh the ego has been hard at work “protecting” what no longer needs to stay shut up, shut in, imprisoned.

God in the imperfect. The ugly. The outcast. I imagine God in the trash. In the dumpster. Digging. Saying to any part we’ve banished, “No, we will not throw out this one. Come, Sweet Love. Yes, I call you ‘Sweet Love.’ We have a lot of holding of you to do.”

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness # 3: Choosing Joy

Today I have two great quotes!  Both were sitting on my heart today.  They are by the beloved Thich Nhat Hanh.

“The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive.”

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

The other day I was sitting with a client and we were talking about how sometimes we just don’t FEEL like smiling (or getting up in the morning, changing our attitude, letting someone “off the hook”…).

Sometimes it’s as though we are waiting for something outside of us to be our source of joy — waiting for something to shift, someone else to change, something to bring us happiness or cause us to smile.

I love TNH’s reminder that sometimes just choosing to smile DESPITE how we FEEL can actually shift our sense of joy, our outlook, and even our situation.

The miracle, then, is just as TNH says — it’s NOT walking on water, it’s realizing that we have a choice about how we “do” the everyday ordinary stuff of our day.

It’s choosing to smile instead of waiting for circumstances, emotions, or thoughts to shift.

It’s realizing that circumstances, emotions, and thoughts can actually shift because of our decision to smile.  Our decision to CHOOSE JOY.

I have to admit, I find this pretty hard to do especially on Wednesdays.   At about 4 pm it’s pretty hard for me not to complain.  I hold on tightly to the distorted belief that IF ONLY my circumstances would change, everyone napped today, …blah blah blah…. THEN I’d be less stressed (I wrote a post on this about the “if only” myth with our partners).

Maybe some of that is true.  I definitely know I could use more sleep as well as time to myself.

But my experience of Wednesdays could poooooossibly be different if I chose to smile – despite my circumstances, despite my tired bones, despite how I felt or what I thought.

Maybe it’d be different if I chose to believe that just getting food on the table, cuddling with my three year old, holding our little seven month old, and chatting with a neighbor for 10 minutes at the playground are all miracles.  And it is enough.

A lovely way to care for ourselves and shift our moods is to CHOOSE JOY.  Choose to smile in THIS moment.

Embrace the miracle of just breathing into the moment and choosing to softly smile.  THAT is enough.

Follow that little whisper!

I love this post on Quest 2Be Me. Here is a woman who was just following what delights her heart (this is my personal mantra I have to say to myself over and over again!) and things started to happen for her. She started a blog not knowing where it’d take her or even what to write!  But she wrote.  And soon she got the little whisper within her to call a local magazine and ask if they take submissions.  And now…she’s the editor!

What a great reminder… just listen to the daily whispers of your heart — the big promptings and the little ones. Amidst the “stuff” of daily living and working and parenting and wiping bums or meeting deadlines.

Sit in silence every day — even just for a few minutes to gather yourself, collect the parts of you that have been scattered.  And rest there for a moment.

Soft whispers from deep within us rise to the surface.

Follow. those. whispers.

These are the “actions” we should take.  These are the ones that DELIGHT the soul.

I honestly think that this is how we can live.  Each and every day.  Maybe not every minute.  I don’t want to strive for that too!!!  But I have noticed that on the days I feel myself pushing something along, I am more anxious.  I’m more tired.  My muscles and face and brow tighten up.

And when I just stop, check in with my heart, and quiet myself for a moment…there is always a whisper (and sometimes a SHOUT!) showing  me where there is an opportunity to choose DELIGHT.  AND. I. RELAX.

I feel more connected — to myself, my life, this world. I exhale!  Ahhhhh, my heart feels Hafiz’s words of wisdom….

“Awake, my dear. Be kind to your sleeping heart.
Take it out into the vast field of light and let it breathe.”
- Hafiz

So thanks fellow mama and blogger!  What a lovely reminder!