Today I turn 40.

Lisa McCrohan at 40

Today I turn 40. I wept last night as Brian showed me my gift still in progress. He knows that although I am an extrovert, my heart needs time, privacy and intimacy to absorb and drink in such love. He shared with me the raw footage of a gift that he has orchestrated and dear ones and strangers have so willingly and so beautifully participated in. And I wept.

You see, beneath the words we speak, beyond the anxiety of everyday life, something deep within us calls to us – calls to us through the hurry, worry, busy – reminding us “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE AND YOU ARE LOVED. THERE IS NO NEED TO STRIVE, PANT, TRY OR WORK SO HARD. YOU ALREADY ‘ARE’ WHAT YOU SO DEEPLY LONG FOR.” And sometimes, someone so dear to us, someone who so intimately knows us hears that call louder than we hear it ourselves. And they sing it, recite it, chant it for us on the outside of our body so we can hear our own Voice.

This is what Brian and dear ones have given me.

Brian looked over my binders of poems I’ve written over the last four decades of my life. He chose “Here.”

lisa mccrohan picking a good one
Here
By Lisa A. McCrohan

The holy is right here
in this moment.

Linger here
watching her eyelashes flutter
as she pulls you closer
in her fairy dress and pearls
cups her little hands so softly
around your ear
and whispers a magical secret.

Linger here
seeing he wants to be held
pausing to hear the unspoken ache
to still find healing in your embrace.

Linger here
forgiving
when you are angry and so very right
taking your beloved’s hand
and choosing instead
to soften and let go.

Linger here
watching his eyes light up
talking with his hands
wondering how they got so big
listening to spy tales and adventures
he has in store out back
asking you to fasten all the gadgets
around his tiny waist so he can run.

Linger here
memorizing the way he still looks at you
wanting to make love to you
wanting to make you happy
wanting you to know how he sees you
embodying your power as you age,
fuller, rounder, sensual, beautiful.

Linger here
watching her walk away from you
into class for the first time
shrugging her shoulders
taking it all in
looking at you
looking back to her class
finding herself, her place
your years of loving her.

Linger here
noticing how he still calls you his little girl
now softer, now hugging longer,
now moving slower.

Linger here
seeing how all these years
she just wanted you to be happy
silently, prayerfully, gladly sacrificing her life
for yours.

Linger here
feeling your bare feet in the cool grass
the hint of fall’s arrival soon
being breathed
being blessed
believing that every scar, every giggle
every heart ache, every long embrace
in this messy, imperfect, human form
is precious
all for you to have

and let go.

Linger here in this fleeting,
fragile, miraculous moment

holy

just as it is.

Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2013

lisa mccrohan kiss

This poem was one I wrote as though God were reminding me to linger and bless this beautiful life right here in this present moment. I don’t perfectly embody the words of the poem in my everyday life. I wrote it as encouragement to me to slow down and savor and be blessed because I see two paths I can go down in this life. One is the path of being so busy and worried and full of anxiety. One is the path of embodying the image I see of myself as an older woman – still, quiet, grounded, with a heart so wide and empty that it is full of only love – and memory of and connection to the Divine – amidst the chaos in this world. And I can choose “Here” in any moment.

dawn 10

Now, a side note. I have been writing all my life.

photo(2)

From the stories and books I wrote in Mrs. Kostenbader’s third grade class about love bugs, mysteries, and poems of friendships, when I write, a peace settles within me. I am connected to the Divine and this world. I feel as though I am fully embodying a call within me. Such an act of intimacy leaves me shy to share. And for decades my words remained just within me. Gentle encouragement by my mom and dear ones, and little by little, I have started to share. There are so many poems I’ve written that I still haven’t put out into the world. Again, my soul moves slowly, prefers candlelight instead of bright light and revealing it all.

lisa mccrohan sunrise

Well, Brian chose this poem and called family and friends. He asked them to each video tape themselves reading this poem – dear friends, my parents, and even my children. Brian called a parishioner at the church where he works to ask for advice about video editing. This person thought this was such an awesome gift he said he would do it for Brian – for me.

I wept. I wept for over an hour. Loud, audible cries. I’ll cry again when I see the final product. Here are my dear ones – so so beautiful and more beautiful over the years.  Here are my dear ones reading lines of my poem. Out loud. Here are my dear ones reading to MY poem to ME. Here I am listening to their voice speaking my words written in the silence of “deep listening” – NOW needing to be heard not only in my own mind and heart, but into the world. Here are my dear ones giving sound to the words whispered by the Divine within – reminding me, tethering me to, reflecting to me the TRUTH within me.

The experience of hearing “my” words spoken outside of me and audible into the world – and have my words read TO ME…this leaves me speechless. It is prayer, blessing, and gift – opened, offered, cherished, shared. There is no striving in me for anything – even to “be” a writer. There’s nothing I NEED to accomplish. I have no need to strive…because there is nothing to achieve. I already am.

And that is what this gift does for me – it calls me forth to stand and know that all I have ever wanted, I already am. Beyond a writer or poet. Beyond even being a mom. All I have ever wanted, what my soul yearns for, is to be so connected to, to embody the Divine so intimately that I am no longer. “Lisa,” I hear, “You already are.”


My One Desire

By Lisa A. McCrohan

I look back now
and I see how all my efforts
all my trying, yearning,
reaching, searching
and

letting go

have been to
more deeply be aligned
with You.

All my desires
lead
to
just
One -

only
You.

I desire
only
to
embody
You
in every cell of me
so fully that

i am
no
longer

and

only
You
remain.

Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2013

***********************************

Dear friends, may you know that you already “are” – whatever it is you desire. May you see how all your desires lead you back to only one — whatever name you have for the divine, the “oneness” that we all are, come from and return to. May your striving be lessened and may peace settle in your heart.

Many blessings,

Lisa A. McCrohan
MA, LCSW-C, RYT
Mom. Compassion Coach. Psychotherapist. Delight passionista.

barefootideaslogo ** Friends, I’m glad you are a part of this community. If you’d like to receive Gems in your inbox, click “follow.” I hope today you are inspired to live with more delight, compassion, and connection in your everyday life. Visit the Barefoot Barn for more information or contact me about mindful/compassion coaching, psychotherapy, workshops and retreats.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jennifer Knight
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 08:05:40

    I wish a beautiful, Happy Birthday, to an amazing, inspiring soul. No need to tell you what I still have to tell so many friends: to be every day older is such a blessing. We are not guaranteed old age, I’ll take each and every day as they come, each as a beautiful gift. May you truly enjoy this one.

    Jennifer Knight knighthouse@verizon.net

    >

    Reply

  2. abusedsurvivingthriving
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 09:29:28

    I so relate to this beautiful post. I feel I have so much inside me to give, to let out but something huge is blocking it from happening. If only I could give 1/4 of what you give to the world I would be happy! Happy, Happy Birthday Lisa! You are a beautiful soul! ~Stanley

    Reply

  3. Tammy
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 10:42:22

    Happy Birthday!! I have full blown chills after reading this!! I think the beauty of it all struck me however the confirmation .. From you … To me … that I am already who I’ve strived so hard to be! Thank you!

    Reply

    • Lisa A. McCrohan
      Jan 26, 2014 @ 21:56:13

      TAMMY! YES — we already ARE who we long to be! Every single time I catch myself in this thinking that I am not “already” and put a lot of judgment around it all, I pause and just let it go. I/you/we already “are.” Such love to you! Lisa

      Reply

  4. brendamarroy
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 12:26:17

    First, happy birthday.
    Second, I am so appreciative and filled with gratitude that on your birthday you have given me the gift of your poetry. Your words go straight to my heart because you write from your heart. You are so beautiful, inspired, and inspiring. Love and hugs, Brenda

    Reply

  5. elorayne
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 13:48:26

    What complete beauty in every way possible. Happy birthday again!

    Reply

  6. Julie H.
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 15:10:45

    Lisa, I know few people who “are” more so than you. You are divine, in so many ways, and you spread that light to all those around you. Your poem is so touching, so beautiful – it made me weep, too. We are all blessed to have you in our lives, whether it is through this blog, or, FB, or in person!

    Reply

  7. Amanda
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 17:19:37

    Wow, thank you.

    Reply

  8. Trackback: Gratitude for the good stuff - Abundant Mama
  9. Milena
    Jan 21, 2014 @ 07:56:31

    What a beautiful gift :)
    I wish you a very happy belated birthday, dear Lisa. May this year bring you joy, happiness, good health and a lot of precious moments with all your dear ones.
    By the way, your poems are just beautiful, as always :)

    Reply

    • Lisa A. McCrohan
      Jan 26, 2014 @ 21:59:43

      Eline – I am so grateful for your kind words and well wishes. I so love your poetry — you bring me deep into a place within myself where the holy resides/takes up residence. Thank you, dear heart — fellow poet, mystic, lover of light. Blessings, Lisa

      Reply

  10. Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 11:37:01

    This gives me all kinds of inspirational ideas! LOVE love LOVE your poem! xo

    Reply

  11. Professions for PEACE
    Jan 29, 2014 @ 22:02:34

    Oh my gosh, the busyness of life has pulled me away from my cherished visits here, and look what I missed! Your birthday! Please accept my happiest, warmest wishes for a most amazing year for you Lisa. You are a beautifully bright star shining your loving wisdom into our world, and I am so thankful for you.
    Big, joyful, happy birthday hugs! xo Gina

    Reply

    • Lisa A. McCrohan
      Jan 30, 2014 @ 11:42:23

      OHHH GINA! Whenever we visit each other’s sites, it is the right time! I am so so grateful to you! Thank you for your warm well-wishes. I am deeply moved. What a loving presence you are, Gina. I am glad you are on this earth. Love, Lisa

      Reply

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Copyright. 2013. All rights reserved. No portion of any post may be copied without written permission from the author. The advice offered herein does not constitute a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice and intervention. The self-help contents are solely the opinion of the blogger and should not be considered as a form of therapy, advice, direction and/or diagnosis or treatment of any kind: medical, spiritual, mental, or other. If expert advice or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
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