Today I turn 40. I wept last night as Brian showed me my gift still in progress. He knows that although I am an extrovert, my heart needs time, privacy and intimacy to absorb and drink in such love. He shared with me the raw footage of a gift that he has orchestrated and dear ones and strangers have so willingly and so beautifully participated in. And I wept.
You see, beneath the words we speak, beyond the anxiety of everyday life, something deep within us calls to us – calls to us through the hurry, worry, busy – reminding us “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE AND YOU ARE LOVED. THERE IS NO NEED TO STRIVE, PANT, TRY OR WORK SO HARD. YOU ALREADY ‘ARE’ WHAT YOU SO DEEPLY LONG FOR.” And sometimes, someone so dear to us, someone who so intimately knows us hears that call louder than we hear it ourselves. And they sing it, recite it, chant it for us on the outside of our body so we can hear our own Voice.
This is what Brian and dear ones have given me.
Brian looked over my binders of poems I’ve written over the last four decades of my life. He chose “Here.”
The holy is right here
in this moment.
watching her eyelashes flutter
as she pulls you closer
in her fairy dress and pearls
cups her little hands so softly
around your ear
and whispers a magical secret.
seeing he wants to be held
pausing to hear the unspoken ache
to still find healing in your embrace.
when you are angry and so very right
taking your beloved’s hand
and choosing instead
to soften and let go.
watching his eyes light up
talking with his hands
wondering how they got so big
listening to spy tales and adventures
he has in store out back
asking you to fasten all the gadgets
around his tiny waist so he can run.
memorizing the way he still looks at you
wanting to make love to you
wanting to make you happy
wanting you to know how he sees you
embodying your power as you age,
fuller, rounder, sensual, beautiful.
watching her walk away from you
into class for the first time
shrugging her shoulders
taking it all in
looking at you
looking back to her class
finding herself, her place
your years of loving her.
noticing how he still calls you his little girl
now softer, now hugging longer,
now moving slower.
seeing how all these years
she just wanted you to be happy
silently, prayerfully, gladly sacrificing her life
feeling your bare feet in the cool grass
the hint of fall’s arrival soon
believing that every scar, every giggle
every heart ache, every long embrace
in this messy, imperfect, human form
all for you to have
and let go.
Linger here in this fleeting,
fragile, miraculous moment
just as it is.
Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2013
This poem was one I wrote as though God were reminding me to linger and bless this beautiful life right here in this present moment. I don’t perfectly embody the words of the poem in my everyday life. I wrote it as encouragement to me to slow down and savor and be blessed because I see two paths I can go down in this life. One is the path of being so busy and worried and full of anxiety. One is the path of embodying the image I see of myself as an older woman – still, quiet, grounded, with a heart so wide and empty that it is full of only love – and memory of and connection to the Divine – amidst the chaos in this world. And I can choose “Here” in any moment.
Now, a side note. I have been writing all my life.
From the stories and books I wrote in Mrs. Kostenbader’s third grade class about love bugs, mysteries, and poems of friendships, when I write, a peace settles within me. I am connected to the Divine and this world. I feel as though I am fully embodying a call within me. Such an act of intimacy leaves me shy to share. And for decades my words remained just within me. Gentle encouragement by my mom and dear ones, and little by little, I have started to share. There are so many poems I’ve written that I still haven’t put out into the world. Again, my soul moves slowly, prefers candlelight instead of bright light and revealing it all.
Well, Brian chose this poem and called family and friends. He asked them to each video tape themselves reading this poem – dear friends, my parents, and even my children. Brian called a parishioner at the church where he works to ask for advice about video editing. This person thought this was such an awesome gift he said he would do it for Brian – for me.
I wept. I wept for over an hour. Loud, audible cries. I’ll cry again when I see the final product. Here are my dear ones – so so beautiful and more beautiful over the years. Here are my dear ones reading lines of my poem. Out loud. Here are my dear ones reading to MY poem to ME. Here I am listening to their voice speaking my words written in the silence of “deep listening” – NOW needing to be heard not only in my own mind and heart, but into the world. Here are my dear ones giving sound to the words whispered by the Divine within – reminding me, tethering me to, reflecting to me the TRUTH within me.
The experience of hearing “my” words spoken outside of me and audible into the world – and have my words read TO ME…this leaves me speechless. It is prayer, blessing, and gift – opened, offered, cherished, shared. There is no striving in me for anything – even to “be” a writer. There’s nothing I NEED to accomplish. I have no need to strive…because there is nothing to achieve. I already am.
And that is what this gift does for me – it calls me forth to stand and know that all I have ever wanted, I already am. Beyond a writer or poet. Beyond even being a mom. All I have ever wanted, what my soul yearns for, is to be so connected to, to embody the Divine so intimately that I am no longer. “Lisa,” I hear, “You already are.”
My One Desire
By Lisa A. McCrohan
I look back now
and I see how all my efforts
all my trying, yearning,
have been to
more deeply be aligned
All my desires
in every cell of me
so fully that
Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2013
Dear friends, may you know that you already “are” – whatever it is you desire. May you see how all your desires lead you back to only one — whatever name you have for the divine, the “oneness” that we all are, come from and return to. May your striving be lessened and may peace settle in your heart.
Lisa A. McCrohan
MA, LCSW-C, RYT
Mom. Compassion Coach. Psychotherapist. Delight passionista.
** Friends, I’m glad you are a part of this community. If you’d like to receive Gems in your inbox, click “follow.” I hope today you are inspired to live with more delight, compassion, and connection in your everyday life. Visit the Barefoot Barn for more information or contact me about mindful/compassion coaching, psychotherapy, workshops and retreats.