By Lisa A. McCrohan
How many times have I rocked you to sleep,
held you, laid next to you?
I never counted.
Yes, there have been times I’ve counted the minutes –
the minutes until I’d get half an hour of alone time;
the minutes until I could tend to myself,
my heart’s yearnings, my healing
in the quietness at the end of the day.
I stopped “should-ing” myself into believing
this was wrong to want.
As I mother you, I am mothering myself
and I am realizing that often,
it is the fierce love we have for our children
that teaches us how to love ourselves.
YOU, my precious little ones,
are teaching me how to “hold love.”
How to hold my goodness
and let go of anything
that keeps me from believing
I am enough
How to hold what is most important
and let go of what really doesn’t matter
How to hold joy
and let go of being right
How to hold uncertainty
and let go of asking why
How to hold grief
and let go of denying,
pushing or analyzing
How to hold forgiveness
and let go of blaming
How to hold imperfection
and let go of pretending
How to hold frailty
and let go of being strong
How to hold prayer
while nursing, making lunches,
healing hurt knees
and let go of making it to mass
How to hold the divine
and let go of searching.
You are teaching me,
my precious little ones,
how to hold you,
how to hold each beautiful moment,
how to hold the world in my heart
as my beloved child,
when it is time.
Lisa A. McCrohan, ©2013
Before I gave birth to my first child, I prayed for a teacher. See, we had just moved to a new town (new state!) and I missed my teachers in Boston. Little did I know that my greatest teachers would arrive as two little infants.
This journey of parenthood is teaching me about birthing and embracing, dying and letting go. It takes me into deep places within myself and back out into the world in ways I never could have imagined, then returning me RIGHT HERE, traversing the inner landscape of my own heart.
My heart has broken open – wider and wider with each passing year as a mama. My little teachers are teaching me how to hold love — to soak it up in my bones, to hold them and this world as my beloveds. They are teaching me how to let go — let go of my ego, let go of my ideas and plans, let go of my desires, and even to let go of my children and my own life go when it is time.
More and more I see this life of mine as a journey of holding, embodying, and embracing love…and then letting go. Letting go and into the arms of the divine. All from my greatest teachers that I have the privilege to live with, hold, and let go every day.
Blessings to each of you and the teachers in your life,
MA, LCSW-C, RYT
** Friends, thank you for all your lovely comments — here, on Facebook, and in emails. It’s a delight to know that something here resonates with you and inspires you. I appreciate them. This is truly how we support each other in community. I hope today you are inspired to live with more delight, compassion, and connection. Visit the Barefoot Barn for more information or contact me about mindful coaching, psychotherapy, workshops and retreats.