how the fear of death dissolves

sunrise

This is a tender post.  Over the last few years, I’ve started to reconcile my fear of others dear to me dying.  I used to be terrified of my parents dying.  My dad remembers when I was in middle school and we were traveling with my soccer team to a tournament in North Carolina.  My dad was getting dressed and I saw gray hair on his chest (he was all of 40 or so!).  “Dad!” I cried with tears streaming down my face, “You are dying!”

Ever since I can remember, I had been scared of my parents dying.  Past life stuff, stuff from this life…doesn’t matter the source, really.  All I know is that the fear of them dying kept me frozen.  It kept me from living.  It made me hold back.  In most of my relationships.

That fear is losing its grip on me. Little by little.  And oddly enough, this comes at a time when my parents are aging.  Dad retires this month.

I have always believed in a Divine presence. I’ve never needed to “know” what “comes after death” in this lifetime.  I do not think ANY one religion has the monopoly on truth when it comes to “the after-life.”  I have always just known that whatever happens, it has to be lovely.  And gentle.  It’s home.

But we can know something and still not be “healed.”  Information — in the form of a thought, knowledge, or even a cognitive belief — informs.  It doesn’t heal.

Healing happens in our bodies.  It is here, in our cells, in our tissues, in our nervous systems, in our BODIES that we hold all our memories, experiences, interactions.  It is in our bodies that we hold the fears (and joys) that arise out of those experiences.  So,  it is IN THE BODY where we “go” to heal these tender wounds.

How?

Noticing what arises when we become fearful.  Noticing the sensations that arise.  Breathing.  Allowing.  Holding each image that arises with gentleness, as though we were holding a small child.  Giving it all a lot of spaciousness.  Connecting to our hearts.  Allowing the body to do what it needs to do.

Mindfulness.  Radical acceptance.  Spaciousness. Gentleness.

Doing very little.

These are healing balm. This is how any fear dissolves.

It’s not through analyzing our fears or dissecting them. It’s feeling them in our bodies.  And letting the body’s innate wisdom to do what it needs to do.

Our mainstream culture fears death.  We are “sold” every day on ways to preserve and hang on to youth.  But this keeps us in denial that we will all meet death.  You, me, those dear to us.   We will all meet death.

Instead of being frozen with fear, I find that I am thawing out.  I am beginning to LIVE this one precious, wild life, with total clarity that death will meet me some day.

And I hope that my last breath is the same as this one I take right now: full of gratitude and true contentment.  I hope that I have lived a life of being ALIVE and tender.  I hope I have followed the delights of my heart with no regrets…surrendering and “birthing” into Home.

Running over a snake

I have no picture.  I didn’t want to take one.  There is one already etched in my mind.  The other evening, we were all packed up in the minivan and off to our friend’s house for a lovely evening to be had.  We parked.  We started to get out.  Then we noticed a HUUUUGE snake crossing the road (no joke!).

I am waaaaay freaked by snakes.  Ever since a dream when I was about seven.  I just freak out about them.  My children, on the other hand, are fascinated by them.  Even my two year old.  (“I wuuuuuuv snakes, mommy!”)

I noticed myself becoming incredibly nervous.  But I decided to engage in a new option:  be fascinated.  So I shouted to the kiddos in the back, “Hey guys!  Look!  A huuuuge snake up ahead!  It’s crossing the road!  Come see!”

My five year old leaped out of his carseat.  Brian went to unbuckle our two year old.

I noticed a truck stop by the snake.  I assumed they too were admiring this huge snake (that Brian insisted was NOT poisonous).  But they weren’t.  They were backing up.  They tried to run over the snake.

Again and again.  He backed up and tried to run over the snake while the snake hissed and tried to attack the truck.

I was in shock.  It all happened so quickly — here were my son and I sitting in the front seat of our car now.  Me – trying to be fascinated and face my fear of snakes for my kiddos’ delight.  My son – over the top excited and entranced by the snake.

Before I could act to turn my son’s gaze from watching, we saw it happen.  The truck ran over the snake.  It twitched and twitched.  “OH my god!  He ran over the snake! I’m so sorry!  Oh son, I’m so sorry!”  My heart ached as I watched the snake laying there.  A million things crossed my mind.  I have never ever seen someone right in front of me intentionally KILL another living being.  I mourned for this snake.  AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE SNAKES.  I FEAR them.  My heart SANK for my son as I pulled him close to me.  He was already weeping.

The truck pulled up beside us and gave us a thumbs-up.  I felt sick.  Physically sick.  My son was wailing.  A sound came from deep within him that I had never heard before.  Mourning.  Brian came around and held our son.  I took our daughter inside.  They prayed for the snake and sent it some healing energy.

I have never seen anyone take a life before.  But I’m an adult.  My little five year old — he is trying to make sense of the world, seeing that the world is a bit bigger than our sunshine-filled kitchen.  Brian was brilliant with how he held our son.

Ironically, later that night, at our friend’s house, after a huge rainstorm that we all watched from the porch, our friend had a “fake snake” (it still made me squirm) that he got from our local zoo.  My son and daughter both held it and hugged it.  Again my two year old, “I wuuuuv snakes, mommy!”  And our five year old hugged it tightly and asked, “Mom, if we go to the zoo and get one of these, can it sit at the table with us and eat dinner?”

That spirit of the that snake might be at our dinner table for a loooong time.  That somehow seems right.  Both Brian and I talked last night about how we didn’t do enough to get the truck to stop.  Shock or not.  Maybe we are doing enough in teaching our children that when people do mean things it’s because they are scared.  And to help them become “unscared.”  Maybe we are doing enough in teaching our children about compassion and a regard for life – whether or not we have “issues” with that life.  Maybe we are doing enough by comforting our children in ways that allow them to experience the fullest sense of their emotions…and for it to be OK.  That fake snake we will get at the zoo will be a reminder for me of just this.

And as our son was going to bed he said, “Mom, you don’t have to be afraid of snakes. Here’s what i’ll do.  Me and dad will tell you if we see a snake if it is poisonous or not.  If it’s poisonous, you can stay inside.  If it’s not, you can come out.  You’ll be safe, mom.  I’ll protect you this way.”

I’ll protect YOU this way, my son, by being honest with you, comforting you when you see the cruelty of life, and holding you until a “right response” rises up from within you and respond with offering your unique healing balm to this world.

Sunshine Award

I am honored that my blog has been nominated for The Sunshine Award by Gina at Professions for PEACE.  Oh Gina, she is a lovely, love soul.  Her writing is authentic, her words breathe a sense of lightness into every cell of me, and her joy is contagious.  Read just one of her posts and you’ll know what I mean.  Thank you, Gina.  I am delighted.

This award is given to “bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere.”  It’s my vocation/call in life to inspire others to follow what delights their hearts, act with compassion for themselves and others, and to cultivate community between soulful folks.

Being new at this “blog award” thing, I never really knew what to do with the awards folks have nominated me for (several are included below as I am now nominating THEM for this Sunshine Award!).  Gina’s award inspired me to do what brings joy to my heart.  Duh! I love it!  Some times I can be too literal!  So with that “freedom card” in my pocket, on to the Sunshine Award!  Thank you, Gina!

The steps to take, preferably with joy 
1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.
2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.
3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.
4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

The Nominees ~ These folks just delight my heart.  They are who are on my heart right in this moment.  Their blogs are the ones that are speaking to me right now and my heart wants to highlight these women.  What they write resonates with something within me and I am often brought to tears.  I am so grateful for the companionship of these writers.

Bella Bleue  Erin is a delight.  Her words uplift and encourage.
Being Zen Angela writes with a clear and authentic voice.  I always find something new, enlightening and challenging reading her posts.
Kindness Girl  Patience is a girl on a mission to spread kindness across the planet.  And an incredible photographer.
A Design so Vast Lindsey’s words are breath-taking, raw, and she puts into eloquent words what is stirring in my heart.
I Stop for Suffering Meg is one of those folks you trust and adore immediately.  She simplifies some pretty deep Buddhist stuff in a way that you say to yourself, “Ohhhh I get that!  I can do that!”
My two Cents Maria is an incredible shopper, witty, well-dressed, and a loyal friend who will go through your closet and tell you the truth…and bring YOU out through your wardrobe!
The Yoga of Motherhood Ali is a mom, yogini, world traveler and poet.  Her words are informed by decades of practice.  She’s the real deal.

The Questions about me…:

What is your favorite color?  
~  Depends.  In general – green.  On me – pink.  Any shade!

What is your favorite animal?  
~  I love dogs and cats too.  Bears, monkeys, pigs, cows…you name it.

What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?  
~  WATER!

Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?  
~  Ohhhhh I am still trying to figure out the social media thing.

What’s your passion? 
~  Following what delights my heart.  Inspiring compassion.  Delighting in connecting with other soulful folks.

What’s your favorite pattern? 
~  Swirls.

Do you prefer giving or getting presents?  
~  I stress about giving gifts when I “have to.”  I’m not much of a shopper.  So I tend to stress when there is a holiday or a birthday celebration.  BUT when I DO see something that makes me think of a person, I get it!  And I LOVE giving it to them!  I also love to make things.  I TREASURE it when someone takes the time to make me something.  I know how valuable time is now.

What’s your favorite number?  
~  Three.

Favorite day of the week? 
~ I’d have to say Friday.  It’s our “Saturday” since our work week starts on Sunday.

Favorite flower?
~ I tend to love wild flowers, even patches of clover (growing in our “grass” right now!).  Wild flowers make me pause, breathe and smile – knowing that something beautiful can grow anywhere.

So there you have it, folks, in case you wanted to know a little bit more about me.

But instead of me, focus on the blogs above.  The ladies are gems.  Deep.  Passionate.  Real.  And inspiring.

Ok, phew, I’m done!  For an extrovert I really don’t like such attention on me!

Ladies who were nominated — you can soak up the love in private and never mention it on your blog, or announce it to the world!  You know me, I’m about whatever brings you delight.

Love to you all, Lisa

My vows

Reblogged from istopforsuffering:

I vow to live as an instrument of peace.  To live a simple, sincere, gentle and serene life.  

 

I will cultivate cheerfulness, compassion, and hope.  Only speaking words that are true, necessary, and kind.

 

I shall exercise economy in expenditure, generosity in giving, diligence in my faith, and fidelity to every trust.  

 

Where there is darkness, I will bring light.  Where there is intolerance, I will bring understanding.  

Read more… 47 more words

I am always moved by Meg's words of wisdom and how she lives. Thank you, Meg!

Mom to mom: 10 ways to empower a fellow mama

you are beautiful, girlfriend!

There are a lot of forces in our world that seek to divide women, to pin mom against mom.  As women, as moms, let’s seek to align ourselves.  Here are 10 ways to empower a fellow mama:

1.  Build her up instead of tearing her down — even when she’s not around.  Any woman, every woman.  Seek to say nothing negative about any other woman.  If it’s not kind, don’t say it.

2.  Build up her kiddos.  Same as above.

3.  Ask her about her passions.  Is it going back to school? Running a small business?  Running a marathon?  Tell her you believe in her.  Ask her often about what gives her life and energizes her.

4.  Give her space to talk — and just listen.  Tell her she doesn’t have to hurry or apologize for “taking up your time.”

5.  Tell her you get anxious too. Tell her you get lonely too.

6. What do you think is fabulous about her? Is it the way she talks kindly to her children? Is it how her hair curls so cutely around her face? Tell her! Tell her she is beautiful – inside and out.

7. Hug her. Look her in the eyes and say, “I’m so glad I know you!”

8. Tell her kind things about her kiddos.

9. Believe in abundance rather than scarcity. Just because she has a gorgeous life…(body, partner, garden, ETTTTCCCC!) doesn’t mean you can’t or aren’t already gorgeous. There’s enough gorgeousness to go around.

10. Give her space to shine – like in a conversation with others, let her story be central and the only focus once in awhile.

Empower her. Let her shine. Be kind to her. Remind her of her beauty. Every woman. Any woman.

Regarding Life

Today, on my way to work, winding around the beautiful Cabin John parkway in DC, next to the Potomac River, at 6:30 in the morning (yes, folks, it IS early), I saw a huge turtle trying to cross the road. 

I let out a gasp. Then I quickly looked around to see if there was a place to pull off. Of course there isn’t on the parkway. My heart sank. I know what will probably happen.

I started to think about how most people I know regard life. It’s in our being, our cells, our DNA, our wiring to have compassion. Even the driver next to me who was weaving in and out of traffic and being “not so kind” on the road saw the turtle too, and for a moment, we exchanged a heart-full and regretful glance. A glance of “oh my goodness, can we do anything?” Instinctual within both of us was a desire to preserve life.

My husband has a way of tenderly and mindfully regarding life. He NOTICES things in nature. He pauses and regards life. Like this tiny caterpillar.

Brian holding a tiny caterpillar on a nature walk with our children

Over the years of living with and loving Brian, his practice of pausing and noticing and REGARDING life has soaked into my bones. This is a gift he has given us. And he is passing this on to our children.

When our children stop and pick up a worm, bug or ant, they regard it as a sacred moment. They know they are on sacred ground. Their bodies become calm, their breathing slows down, and their eyes…their eyes widen. I FEEL the energy of their hearts widening too. They know they are holding LIFE. Even in its tiniest form, they know to reverence life.

It doesn’t matter to me when my children begin to read, when they know their multiplication tables, how many A+’s they receive, if they hit the ball out of the park or if they get into an ivy league school.

If Brian and I can pass on to our children such a regard for life, and this under girds all they do, I will say that we’ve done an incredible job parenting.

The Miracle in the Now

The miracle is finding the peace and beauty in the ordinariness of our everyday lives. Seeing it all as SACRED. A gift. May we all experience several miracles today!!

(Coming soon…a video series on finding the sacred in everyday life!)

Repost: Mindful Moment: My mom’s every day love…in a grapefruit

{I wrote this a year ago.  I was reminded of it because, lately, I find that I am being called to a deeper sense of “selflessness.”  I see and notice and am grateful for how my mom and my husband both live lives of “serving the other.”  I am being called to be “less about me” – in every thing. More on this as the adventure unfolds}.

Grapefruit.  I could’ve sobbed over my grapefruit the other morning.  Carefully cutting the outside circle of my grapefruit, I stopped.  The memory of my mother so lovingly and thoroughly cutting my grapefruit for me as a girl flooded my mind and heart.  Back then, I probably didn’t say, “thank you.”  Back then, I took it for granted that she put such extraordinary care into something so ordinary.  Back then, I’m embarrassed to admit, I never thought that it was any “big deal.”

Now, as a mom to two little ones, I get it.  The time, attention, care, focus, energy, and “groundedness in what is important” it took for my mom to cut my grapefruit and never even say anything about it – I know all too well now what a big deal that is!  To take the time, to put off showering or brushing teeth or fixing her own breakfast, to put attention into one thing instead of being a multi-tasking queen, to muster up the energy from a night of little sleep from a tending to a sick little one, to find balance in divvying up time with more than one child, to recognize in the moment “THIS. This is what matters” — THAT is extraordinary.

mom and me

And I am humbled.  Grateful.  I want to go back in time and savor every little cut out triangle of grapefruit and hug my mom and kiss her and tell her she rocks and thank her for all the little every day ways she showed me extraordinary love.  Cutting my grapefruit.  Making my lunch (yes, even through high school).  Telling me to “take a mental health day.”  Braiding my hair.  Driving me (and team mates!) to and from soccer practice.  The list goes on.   Flashes of these memories flood my heart.  And I pick up my phone to call her.  She’s asleep.  My heart can’t wait to tell her “thank you.”

Ordinary things done with extraordinary love.

Before having my two little ones, I wanted to do extraordinary things in this world.  I had specific ideas about what that meant.  None of them involved cutting grapefruit.  But the other morning, I thought about how now it’s my turn to embody this legacy of loving with great tenderness and attention in the ordinary.  And I am quietly grateful as I go about my afternoon.  I cut an apple for my two little ones, peeling the skin carefully so my little C. can easily chomp away.

beholding my little one

grandma…still lovingly regarding her honeys

B-bye Guilt, Hello Goddess

Reblogged from Gems of Delight:

Guilt.  Mama guilt.  Wife guilt.  Whatever kind of guilt you got -- let's let it go!  Let's encourage each other to drop the guilt.  We can be awfully, awfully hard on ourselves.  Our "Oh I did a bad thing" or "I should be doing such and such" or "A good...... (mom, friend, wife) does such and such" can quiiiiickly turn in to "I'm bad."  Then we've got shame. 

Read more… 256 more words

Reposting for all you goddesses out there!

Blog Award

This past month I was graced with being nominated for two blog awards.

Nikky gave me the beautiful blogger award. I am grateful to Nikky. She is surviving the abuse of her partner. She blogs to connect with others and share her story — to empower others and herself. Her words are raw, real, and authentic.

Angela nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. It is a delight to read Angela’s blog, Zen Being. She writes so beautifully about mindfulness and everyday life. Her posts challenge me, get me thinking, and bring me into a sense of “yes” — with life, my own self, my practice, and all living beings. I am grateful to Angela!

Just like so many of you who blog, I write the words that honor the stirrings and whispers within my heart. I know of no other way.