Don’t fake the joy.

I read something the other day that made my stomach turn.  A blog chastising moms to “love it all” and “enjoy every minute of it.”

There are plenty of moments in parenting that just plain bite.

There are plenty of moments when I am not joy-filled as I clean up squashed and crunchy food on the floor, separate my two kiddos as they bug each other…for the upteenth time…that hour, look down and realize that I have strawberry stains from little hands on my ONE (ONE!) NEW cute, stain-free t-shirt, and think about how in the world am I going to get to the Y today?!

It’s in those moments when jumping in to being “joyful” would be to deny what is present right here, right now.

Yes, I get the whole “self-talk” thing and “positive thinking” thing and the “you have a choice in every moment” thing.  While there is a place for “embracing the positive” and “choosing joy”….

…there is also a crucial first step that we CAN NOT skip.  Whenever we deny what is present — anger, rage, sadness, loneliness (you name it) — we cannot embrace true joy.  I’m not talking about getting all mired in the emotion (that doesn’t help either!  Then we are hijacked).  I’m talking about not chasing after joy, clinging to it, and believing that it’s a permanent feeling.  We set ourselves up to feel awfully guilty if we believe we should be joyful every moment and we deny what is currently present within us.

So what do we do?

Before running after joy, “shoulding” ourselves in to it; before getting mired in our emotions…… we pause.

We notice whatever is present. 

We say “Ahhh, I see you, dear one” with tenderness.

We put our hand on our heart.

We allow whatever arises space to be.

We accept.

We allow.

We breathe.

Without clinging or pushing away — anything.

And what happens?  We soften!  We relax.  We create spaciousness.  Insight arises.  We embrace the next right thing to do…which may be mom taking a “mama time-out” or hugging and saying sorry…and going outside to play and buy something from the ice cream truck that comes down our street riiiiight around dinner time.

Ironically, as we accept WHAT IS — without denying anything or forcing ourselves to ‘be joyful’ – joy naturally arises.  A deeper joy that sustains us.

So don’t fake the joy.  Create the space for it to rise on its own.

B-bye Guilt, Hello Goddess

Drop the guilt. Be the goddess.

Guilt.  Mama guilt.  Wife guilt.  Whatever kind of guilt you got — let’s let it go!  Let’s encourage each other to drop the guilt.  We can be awfully, awfully hard on ourselves.  Our “Oh I did a bad thing” or “I should be doing such and such” or “A good…… (mom, friend, wife) does such and such” can quiiiiickly turn in to “I’m bad.”  Then we’ve got shame.  Guilt and shame — touch combo.  They paralyze us.  They get us believing a story that takes us far away from our original, natural state: our tender, confident, bold, soft, powerful, loving, compassionate heart.  Call it being “Christ-like” or being a “Bodhisattva” or embodying “Shakti”– our natural state is one of believing in our goodness and acting with compassion for ourselves and each other.

Ok, so how we do drop the guilt and embrace the goddess?

First, encourage each other! Encourage your fellow goddess.  When you notice your friend is caught in the illusion of guilt and shame and is “going down that path…fast,” look her in the eyes, place a hand on her arm, and tenderly say to her, “Friend, I see you.  And I see your light.” Smile at her!  Smile at her goodness…and her goddess.

When you wake up and notice you are “shoulding” all over yourself, in that moment of awareness, put your hand over your own beautiful, tender, powerful heart and say, “Ahhhh, sweet love.  I see you.  I see your light.”

Try it.  See what happens.  Right now!  You softened – didn’t you?  Even if you felt silly – you probably laughed.  You lightened up.  Maybe you even started to ask the question, “So what would it look like for me to embrace my goddess instead of my guilt?  What does ‘being a goddess’ look like for me?”

B-bye guilt.  Hello to our light.  Our tender, powerful, creative, sweet, compassionate goddess.

Embrace your inner sensual goddess

embracing your sensual goddess

I wrote a post awhile back titled “Enough.” Enough of us women playing small, cutting on other women, displacing our anger, and enough of not believing in ourselves, our dreams, and each other.

“Enough” is rising up in me like a volcano. I see it in other women. I see it present in our culture – women reclaiming our feminine power.  Do you feel it too?

Do you sense the movement within you to abandon your ego and false beliefs?  Do you feel the tension building between the call of that Divine movement and your desire to cling to what is no longer serving you?

Do you hear the Great Mother, the ultimate of feminine power, calling you to stand and rise and embrace your inner goddess?  Do you hear her whispering to you, “Come.  Claim your birthright to embody me?”

It IS our birthright to discard the destructive beliefs, lies we’ve told ourselves, and false stories that have been written on our skin and planted in our psyche.  It IS our birthright to claim our sensuality and the power of our feminine form.

But how?

How do we reclaim, embrace, and embody our feminine power?

It is NOT through patriarchal or Puritanical ways.  It’s not through domination or denial.

When we embrace, allow, hold everything in spaciousness, share power, and connect, we turn the lies written on our bodies and in our minds to ash.

Instead of pushing away — anything that is painful, ugly, “other” — we allow it to be present too.  We embrace it as Thich Nhat Hanh would say “as a dear one.”

We hold every thought, belief, emotion, and part of ourselves in s p a c i o u s n e s s.  No denying, pushing away, clinging to.

Here’ s an idea I told a client this week… Imagine a beautiful big bowl before you — huuuuge.  Imagine that bowl holding all the different parts of you, all the story lines, all the desires, all the answers to the question: “What is happening right now?”  And you just see the bowl holding it all. WE ARE THAT BOWL.  All we have to do is hold it.  Allow it.  Create spaciousness.  AND IT ALL SHIFTS ON IT’S OWN.

Instead of dominating, we share power. We share space.  We share resources.

Instead of disconnecting — from any part of ourselves, from our beloveds, from life — we connect.

AND…

We listen to the delights of our heart guiding us in EVERYDAY ways of giving voice to the goddess within that wants to emerge.  Like for me — I’ve been growing my hair out for two years now.  I felt the call to have “luscious long hair.”   This was a step.  And here’s my luscious long hair.  I love it.  I feel sensual — not for anyone else — but for me.

me with luscious long hair. goddess rising!

I’ve started to buy a few outfits that speak “goddess” to me.  I’ve started to be BOLD – with how I advocate for my dear ones, how I teach, and how I speak my truth.  I see the goddess in other women and moms — and I point out what I see.

Everyday there is an opportunity for us to embrace our inner sensual goddess.

And…any religion, dogma, or personal belief that tries to keep that feminine voice down is truly not of God. THAT is sin.

Stepping out into the Darkness

stepping out into the darkness

Stepping out into the Darkness

I am standing on the edge of a cliff
slowly breathing in the moonless night.
A cool breeze awakens my senses,
lungs and skin.
Darkness covers me
and the earth I am standing on
like a thick blanket.
I see nothing –
only feel
my heart beating:
“I am ready.”

The unknown calls to me.
Something in me knows there is life –
Vibrant, luminous life – a step away
and I can no longer remain where I am standing.
I lift a foot out into the open space
to sense what is beyond me
one last time.
Nothing –
only the cool wind against
the sole of my foot.

I have arrived here many times
and each time I hear the same calling:
“Jump!”

“Jump.”

Tonight I come empty
ready
open.
I don’t need to take a grand step
or a giant leap.
Just a step.
This is the next right thing to do.
And I have absolutely no idea
what I am stepping into.

But I trust.

And so I jump.
But I don’t fall.

I rise.

***
Lisa A. McCrohan, © 2012

Change is happening. I feel it. We (my family) are being drawn in to it. This is life, no? Nothing is static. Everything is constantly changing, shifting, cycling — dying, birthing, dying, birthing. But I have no idea what is next. But I/we are here…being called to jump. And so we trust. Even if that trust is about the size of a mustard seed. We trust. I know, with every cell in my body, that the divine holds her beloveds, and that instead of falling, we rise. So why is it is “hard” to do something so simple? So “guaranteed” to come out on the other side flourishing? It is JUST fear. Illusions. Well, and as I am in the mode of “saying yes” to everything, I say “yes” to the fear, too, allowing it to be here.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #10: Yes to the Mess

"Yes" to open.

What if we met any experience, feeling, or thought with total, radical acceptance? What if, instead of pushing away pain and fear, we invited them in? To sit down next to us. To have tea. Or, in my case, sit on the street curb with me. What if we treated them as a friend? Even a dear one?

What if we said “yes” to the mess of emotions, old stories, distorted beliefs, disdained parts of ourselves? Instead of trying to get rid of them, judging them, pushing them down, reacting to them…we simply let them be?

What if we just breathed, honored whatever wants to rise up within us to do so…and we just felt the sensations of pain, fear, sadness, grief, and shame?

I am convinced that we do not heal from trying harder, dissecting our inner thoughts and landscape, or making our “demons” our enemies by pushing them away or trying to get rid of them or crush them.

Tara Brach, a renowned Buddhist teacher with the Insight Meditation Community of Washington DC, in her book Radical Acceptance proposes that, in the moment of intense emotions or confusion, we ask ourselves: “What is happening right now? What inside me most needs my attention?”

And notice.

And say “yes.”

Yes to the knots in the stomach. Yes to the fearful thoughts, the judging thoughts, the shameful thoughts. Yes to the tightness in our jaws and throats. Yes to the hole in the heart. Yes to the grief gripping our ribs. Yes to the anger volcanically erupting from the depths of the belly.

Yes to the whole mess. Yes to breathing. Yes to connecting to EVERY EVERY single part of us, ostracizing not one part, and saying, as Thich Nhat Hanh would suggest, “Ahhh, there you are dear one. I see you. And that is why I am here.”

A welcomed dear one, sitting next to us.

I am sitting on a street curb. Much like we’d do when we were young, hanging outside with friends. I am saying, “Welcome” to fears that have gripped me and influenced my reactions to people and situations. They are calling my attention this Lent, this Spring. The thought of this brings up anxiety. Ok, so I’ll feel the sensations of anxiety. And then notice what happens next.

Ok, my dear ones. Come sit with me.

Tips for Everyday Mindfulness #9: Soften

Soften, soften, soften. Whenever we wake up and realize that we have hardened our hearts, that we are pulling away, that we are wanting to be right and standing our ground, that our anger has led us far away from what we really want (to belong, to be loved, to be connected)…the answer isn’t to get more ridged. Or more self-righteous. Or more self-protective and closed off. It’s to soften.

Soften our brow. Soften our jaw. Soften our shoulders away from our ears. Soften our grip on…everything. Unclench our fists. Soften our words – to ourselves and others. Soften around our heart. Soften, soften, soften.

I am finding more and more the truth of what Lao-tzu says here — softness always triumphs over hardness or harshness or rigid thinking or trying to justify our positioning. Softness is always stronger and more powerful than any kind of power that comes from fear and seeks to dominate. I am convinced of this now.

Next time we feel the burn of anger, of feeling justified in how we feel or in what we think, of judging someone else — however right we may believe we are — just soften. Breathe into the heart. Relax the shoulders and jaw and eyes and belly. Soften, soften, soften. And a strength rises.

100th Post: Love Heals

This is my 100th post. Some may reach that marker in a month. It took me over two years. And that’s just perfect.

I’ve been writing since I was in third grade. Books of tall tales, mysteriously missing christmas presents, flying love bugs from outerspace, and friends who make you smile. I started a “blog” on my old website long before I knew what a blog was. My soul softly smiles when I write a poem for a dear one. It’s in my bones that I’ll write a book someday. And if I don’t, my kiddos might (with all the journals I’ve left them!).

Here’s the thing: I used to put undue stress on myself with “shoulds” and deadlines about my life’s work. There was this urgency in me. The kind that originates from fear. Fears that hide themselves quite well within you and disguise themselves as allies of your “becoming.” I wanted to write books and books and books. I felt CALLED to, divinely inspired to.

But fear ALWAYS comes from ego. Not from the soul.

I am still called to write. I am still inspired to share the truths that rise up from within me, breathed by the Divine-in-residence of my soul. I am still called to lead – movements and meditations that connect us to our Selves, each other and the Divine. Every time I turn around, it’s as though God breathes this knowing in me.

BUT. HOW I go about what I do has shifted. The urgency – well, I sat with it. Loved it. Gave it room to be held. Craddled it.

And underneath that laid my fears. Fear of (and I’m being quite honest here) not “being” anyone. Of not “doing anything special” before I died. Fear of “not being remembered” long after I was in the grave. So I held those, too. Loved them. Craddled them.

I didn’t do this alone. My “tribe” of dear ones, my beloved Brian, my children — my greatest teachers — their love for me has wrapped itself around every raw bone in my body until my bones remembered the Truth we all know long before we are born: we are beautiful, safe, protected, adored, and so so loved.

And over time, not in one fell swoop, not in a magical wave of the wand, I sensed a peace taking up residence within me. Where there used to be fields of anxiety, now seeds of contentment blossomed. No rush. It’s all perfect. Just. As. It. Is.

And that seems to be the voice I hear now when the old storyline of fear creeps up. I am exactly where I am to be in this moment. Holding my little ones, being with Brian, leading a meditation at work, or writing a poem. I am reminded of Hafiz’s words,

“The place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.”

Now when I sense an urgency in me, it’s the fire of LOVE rather than the chains of fear. And my exhale reminds me:

“in the end, what matters most is:

how well did you love,

how fully did you live,

how deeply did you learn to let go?”

- Buddha

Let go. Of all plans. Ego. And, yes, even dreams.

Because, really, what any blog post, article or book I’ve ever written or will write comes down to is this:

Love heals.

And if I can breathe that Truth into the moments I am with my children, my husband, my dear ones, my colleagues, I have done enough…whether I never write a book or I write a hundred.

And I hope my final words with my last breath are: “thank you.” Because love has truly transformed me and healed me. I am forever grateful. And I am grateful for the movement within me to offer that love as the poetry of my heart to the world.

fully present and delighting